When your hot dog falls apart there's always Secret Caverns

If all the hot dogs and LSD of summer have mutated what’s left of your smarts into blubber and you find its easier to just glide on the slime of BBQ obesity farts than walk, its time for an educational psychedelic road trip to refresh. I suggest a holistic excursion that will cram all the art, science, and magic that you may need to alight the cerebrum back into action and get you re-spirited, fresh, crisp and ready for more hot dogs, LSD, and BBQ farts. In particular I recommend a trip to Secret Caverns,which is of course all about the coolness of caves and geology but comes with an extra bonus of a tripped-out hairy freak happening hosted by a Ya Ho Wha-ian rascally goblin.

As you get closer to the secret caverns, the climactic billboards get more detailed and you start to wonder what the hell is going to happen to you once you’re in there. The cave-hippy shows off some hallucinatory cavern dwelling weirdos like ammonites on unicycles, googly-eyed purple trilobites, lots of globs of marching goo with no faces, and dinosaurs on speed. Also, he never takes his Ray-Bans off. What is he hiding?

Except once, he has turned green and is clearly tripping balls and ready to bite your cheek off and feed you to the hungry, sad trilobites. Is that the secret? We are being lead to a voodoo feed hole for the starving ammonites on wheels?

This giant bat head welcomes you and you can relaaaax.

The gift shop is filled with cool shits, like bear head beer cozies, bat jewelry, swords, whoopee cushions, and a DEVO hat that is not for sale.

The DEVO presence is strong here and in lots of secret spots too. Here a DEVO hat is whipping this poor prehistoric tiger.

Soon, you are called to gather and enter as a group for the tour. Group tours are usually hustled to get in and out as quickly as possible; lollygagging is not tolerated, so stay focused. It is a little hard to admire the scene when you have 18 elderly people snarfling all about you, trying not to slip on the wet rocks. I actually don’t remember much except wondering why they don’t make better use of caves like this and turn them into hang out spots. I also wondered if any of the tour guides have sex with each other under the underground waterfall.

I felt jealous that once us paying customers leave, the tour guides probably rush down there and smoke weed, trip balls, like the green hippie and probably have the best time ever. Way better than paying for a hastened tour in and out. I saw no trilobites on wheels, but I did buy a few geodes to smash. Two dollars for a smash-it-yourself geode? I’ll take infinity of that kind of fun.