Five Reasons to Watch Football This Weekend

Are Newcastle Fucked?

City's recent problems have probably already seen them piss the title away like so many millions on bang-average defensive midfielders, but they should wipe the floor with Newcastle at the start of what could be another pretty harrowing slog for the Geordie nation.

It's hard to really see what can be made of Newcastle now. An injury crisis, a seemingly incompetent manager, a lack of investment and complete indifference from the owner have all rocked up at St James' Park looking like the four horsemen. Once upon a time that was Joe Kinnear, Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Jonas Gutierrez, but you can't get the staff these days.

At present, they're ten points clear, but most of the teams below them are resurgent, and they look like the worst club in the division at the moment, with only two possible exceptions – Aston Villa, who have just appointed a new manager, and Sunderland, who have a habit of somehow managing to stay up every year. Then there's Newcastle's run of fixtures coming up: Man City, Villa, Man United, Everton, Arsenal, Sunderland away, Liverpool, Tottenham. By the end of that, they're probably going to be in so much shit that even Alan Shearer won't be interested this time.

Will Anti-racism Devolve Into Another Point-scoring Exercise Between Arseholes?

Chelsea-Burnley is a fairly interesting game, with the hosts happily plodding along into an effective Burnley side scrapping for their lives. That said, anything other than a shock result will be overshadowed by whatever reaction there is to the incident in Paris in midweek. José Mourinho is supposedly about to speak out about it. Apropos of nothing, John Terry's contract is also up for renewal, but we imagine they'll probably sort that out at another time.

So far, the three fans have lost their right to attend Chelsea games, so it's nice to know that something good can come out of these things. Unfortunately, it's not stopped there.

Thanks to the two most tedious inclinations of football fans in 2015 – to act as their club's unpaid PR interns and to indulge in whataboutery – the issue has been buried under point-scoring. It allows a wider problem to be projected as being the sole responsibility not just of football, but of Chelsea (or if you've ever been cuckolded by Ally McCoist, Rangers). Chelsea fans are the most racist in the Premier League, according to Home Office Statistics. Well, Eugene Terreblanche was more racist than Nigel Farage, so what the fuck is everyone worrying about UKIP for?

Will Van Gaal's Luck Hold Out?

Look, if "picking up points while playing badly is the sign of Champions" were true, then Tony Pulis and Sam Allardyce would be battling it out for the title every year. As appealing as that universe sounds, unfortunately we're stuck with our current one, where you actually have to string together three passes in the right direction to win a football match.

Well, unless you're Louis van Gaal. Every week the football, defending, passing and general cohesion is worse, and every week is another win. It's mystifying. United have been utterly dreadful lately, playing relatively the joint worst football in the league along with Villa, and yet they're comfortably keeping Arsenal at arm's length.

Strangely, it also seems to be getting to Van Gaal. He's resembled Brendan Rodgers at the start of the season, veering wildly from excuses to derision to ridiculous praise as he stumbles around desperately trying to put a fat finger on his team's collective morale-boosting clitoris. He even weirdly flirted with Benitezism with his dossier of facts, somehow avoiding criticism for a defence that was basically "we're not a long-ball team – we only pass sideways and backwards."

Based on that, expect United to be truly rancid at Swansea, for Rooney to play at left-back and Juan Mata and Ander Herrera to look on impotently from the bench as their team struggle to get on the ball. And for United to win 3-1.

Are Southampton Actually Going to Do It?

Probably the fixture of the weekend here, as a crucial game for the battle for fourth takes place between Southampton and their biggest plunderers in the summer. It's looking like Koeman's men might actually be able to hold out and do it, and a win here pretty much confirms the stunning news that nobody predicted in the summer: Rickie Lambert is not good enough to win you the league.

It's not just Liverpool who got burned – Luke Shaw couldn't look less like a £30m player and Calum Chambers seems to have a touch of the Phil Joneses, putting in a handful of ridiculous performances before reverting to a sadder, more crocked normality. It's far too early to write them off, but let's say "Calum Chambers is a future England captain" tweets getting mass-RTd in 2017 when he gets loaned out to Blackburn don't exactly look like a flight of fancy.

Chambers will be our future captain. Not Wilsh or Rambo.

— The False LW (@MiaSanArsenal)February 15, 2015

Callum Chambers is class and he's only 19. He's hot a very promising career ahead. Future captain perhaps?

— Clock End Gooner (@ClockEndGoooner)August 19, 2014

So excited that we have Callum Chambers,he's an incredible talent,showing such maturity 4 a 19yr old.Future — Paul Swain (@paulswainAFC78)August 17, 2014

The conclusion is that Southampton were smart, but they also took a massive gamble that could easily have backfired, and they could get burned themselves if they try to do the same thing in summer. But if they get fourth, there's no pressure to sell, and the whole next few years might look radically different.

Is This the End of the Road for Allardyce?

Perhaps an underrated contender for England's worst derby here, but while Mauricio Pochettino has left a film of stout competence on the Spurs we all know and love, the focus might instead be on their opponents. Are we about to see yet another Sam Allardyce reign of terror brought to a tearful end?

It's been the usual drill for the big man for most of his career – appoint Allardyce, go up a level, play awful football, settle in upper-mid-table mediocrity, get ideas above your station, sack him, get relegated. West Ham are flirting with the same idea, going over his head again with signings, in part thanks to whatever unimaginably weird connections allow a couple of East London porn barons to bring in former Football Manager wonderkids from South America every year.

We had the same thing last season of course, and maybe they'll decide to see it out for another year. It's a glorious combination, really – pornographers, unwanted South American flair players, Sam Allardyce, Andy Carroll, Canary Wharf – it'd be a shame to see the show get cancelled so early.

@Callum_TH