THE STORY OF CHRIS

Chris scared me when I was a little boy. He was, as they say about weird uncles, "different." A far cry from the average person living in Didam, the small Dutch village where I grew up, he had rough dreads, smelled like hell, pushed an old wagon through town and bought cola for his pony. No one seemed to know his story, but he had the sort of myths whispered about him that make for good teen horror movies. Now, almost ten years later, I started wondering how this oddball who lives on the fringe of society really lives--what he thinks and what he does. So, I paid him a visit.

Vice: Hello there, who are you?

Chris:

I am Chris Scheffer, but I'd much prefer it if my parents had named me Paul. Don't ask me why. I was born in Didam and my parents were very old fashioned. My father tried to control my entire life. I wasn't allowed to do anything and I had no friends. There were two groups of people at that time--the very smart and the imbeciles. Everyone thought I belonged in both groups because I was a good learner, but I had no life. My father wanted me to join the army, but that wasn't something I wanted to do, and I told him as much. He took me to the Postbank, a bank in Arnhem, and literally handed me over to the bank manager. I hated it but coped with working there for 25 years. The company shrink really helped me get through that time. The only good thing about working there were the mid-air battles.

Mid-air battles?

Yeah, you know, pretending to shoot at the sky [fires off a couple rounds from an invisible machine gun]. I was, and still am, known for that. After working there for 25 years there were a few shifts in power. My boss came to me one day and asked me to leave the bank with 40% of my salary. I Didn't believe him, because he didn't usually make decisions like that, but it turned out to be true and I didn't hesitate one second. I always told my bosses if they fired me I'd hire a farmer to drive into the bank with a manure tank, and I think they were afraid I'd really do that. I thought about driving an empty manure tank around outside of the bank to frighten them a bit, but I never did, and now that time is long gone and I've been living one day at a time ever since.

What's your biggest passion?

It's not really a passion, but my animals have really taken my heart--they're my best friends. My animals aren't the only things that keep me going though. I don't have internet or a TV, but I read a lot of newspapers. I only read them a couple of times per week, but always three at the same time because I don't want to read everything in one paper. They all have their own unique visions at certain points. Sometimes I think of something, and it stays in my head for a long time. Like a few months ago--I philosophized a lot about the time before the earth was born. They say there was a big bang, but what was there before that big bang? No one thinks about that, but I can fill my day with that thought. I live on my own, but I really do think about global news and problems.

You showed me a circus magazine. Do you like the circus?

I've always loved the circus. The circus has been criticized a lot lately, but I don't think the animals do everything they do for something to eat. The animal's caretakers really treat them with love. I think they are a great example for me--I don't want my animals to do those tricks, but I like the care that they use when working with their animals.

Do you have a lot of visitors?

Oh yes, I do. I have a fan club for every kind of animal. I would be lonely without my animals. I didn't have anything back in the day and I wasn't allowed to have anything. I remember my father coming here with my cousin, he told me to put on a nice vinyl for her. Then he got upset because it was taking me too long to find the right song for her. I did everything wrong in his opinion. I think that really made me who I am. There used to be a lot more visitors. I wanted to make a petting zoo here. There was one alderman who really liked the idea, but he left the board and when he did my ideas were wiped of the table. I was really disappointed by that.

Howcome you don't have TV or the internet? I just don't have any desire for it. I do sometimes watch TV when I'm at a friend's place, but there's so much more to life. I'm interested in it, but it contains too much information for me. It's the same with the internet. I wanted to know something about some kind of elephant one time, and a friend told me he would look it up for me. He showed up at my place with four sheets of information a few days later! How do you get your newspapers? I buy them. I used to read them in the supermarket but the manager kept giving me trouble. Now I buy them a few times a week. But three at a time like I said earlier. A guy asked me a few days ago if I read the newspaper, and when I told him I read three, he was stunned. I read a left-wing and a right-wing newspaper because I like to read from different points of view. That's why I do that.

What's your favorite kind of food?

I don't really care about food. I prefer having a lot of beer in the evening! I had an infection in my foot last year and the doctor told me I couldn't drink alcohol anymore. That really upset me, because I like a few beers before dinner. I could drink the entire evening, and sometimes I ate rookworst while drinking. It makes me feel good and I sleep tight afterwards. Someone told me to drink wine, but I didn't do it because I'd have to read about ten books first to know which ones were good.

I see you have a huge vinyl collection, what kind of music do you like?

I like to listen to Q-Music [Dutch radio station] in the evening. I am very fond of Shakira, Christina Aguilera, and I think Kelly Clarkson is very good. Oh, and Lionel Richie of course. I love "All Night Long." I used to listen to a lot of jazz, and it really helped me learn to actually

listen

to music. I supported Christina Aguilera when she gave five million dollars to victims of a huge disaster, that was awesome! I'm not a huge musician myself. Once I had to get some hay from my neighbors, and when I went into their attic I saw three drum sets and I asked if I could play them. The drums belonged to some rock band, but they gave me permission to play them, but told me I'd have to pay 12 hundred dollars if I broke the drumhead. I played the drums day after day for half a year. It was a cold attic, but the drumming kept me warm and I even got free coffee! I wouldn't go further without taking lessons, because I feel I've learned everything I can without a teacher. MATHIJS TROMP