THE LONESOME BURIAL OF COREY HAIM

There are two ways to respond to the death of Corey Haim. The first, boring way is with sadness, because he was a human with serious problems and family that he left behind and so on. The other way, obviously, is the internet way; to take potshots at his career lowlights and otherwise revel soullessly in speaking ill of the dead. Impressively, the people of Toronto have found a third way: Bleating outrage.

Corey's body caused a minor uproar in the GTA when it was announced that the city, in its infinite pity, was paying for the burial of its prodigal son. Upon learning of this, Torontonians heaved up a might, collective "Thanks, but please no." To be fair, the city's full of molestees dying from addiction--most of whom didn't manage to simultaneously acquire fame and riches while becoming a byword for teenage girl-encrazer--but it's a little hard not to cringe at a public sentiment most concisely expressed as "No way am I paying $3 for a TTC ticket so a Corey doesn't end up getting dissected by med students."

But from this calamity, tragedy. It turns out that the only person who said anything about Toronto covering the funeral was Haim's cancer-stricken mom, who seemingly said it in the hopes that if it wasn't refuted by the time of the burial, it would come true. On top of that, Corey Feldman loudly announced that he would be nowhere near the funeral, as any Feldmanian trip to Toronto brings back bad memories.

So as it stands, the funeral will be small, private, Feldmanless, and funded by sold-off Haim memorabilia--freeing up the city of Toronto to rejoin the rest of the world in clucking sympathetically about a person they hadn't considered thinking about in at least a decade.

EDWARD PETRENKO