
Advertisement
While last week’s men rattled off statistics like their dicks were the starting lineup of the Packers, the women struggled with what adjectives to use to describe their vaginas. Many phrased this portion as a series of questions, creating a kind of textual vocal fry. Laura, a 24-year-old from Norfolk, England, said: “I have medium sized (I think) labia between my clit and my vagina. I don’t have anything around the hole, if that makes sense?”
Advertisement
In no particular order, survey respondents called their vaginas: Vadge, Front Bum, Vajayjay, Orchid, Little Ouse (a river in the east of England), Bits, Friend, Bearded Axe Wound, Matilda (“fun for when ‘Matilda’ by Alt-J comes on at a party”), Nunee, Minge, Noon, Vaginald (“pronounced like Reginald”), Demona, Vagina, Fleshy Twinkies, Ol’ Vag, Pum Pum, Vajeen (“like Borat”), My Girl, Kitty, Pussay, Fitte (“Swedish for marsh”), Ham, Clam, Fanny, Kitty, Waff, Her, Minge, ‘Gine, Lady Bits, Fertile Crescent, Junk, Cake, Innie, and Botty.Of all the respondents, only FG, a 30-year-old from London, didn’t have a nickname. “It's a vagina, not a dog,” she said. “I don't want to give it a name.”
Advertisement

Advertisement
1) Size of labia (see below) (I mean in the article, not your pants) (maybe, I don’t know your life)
2) Period-related problems (flow, cramps) and/or excessive discharge
3) Prevalence of thrush, UTIs, and other non-sexual infections and inconveniences
4) Fear of childbirth-related tearing
5) Shitty boyfriends from their teen years saying something terrible and scarring about their perfectly functional, healthy vaginaConcerns about unrealistic expectations from porn are largely unfounded.
While a few women said porn presented an unrealistic, idealized “porn vagina” that was “compact,” “perfect,” and “tight,” most of the respondents who talked about porn suggested it was one of the first places they had been exposed to the reality of widespread vaginal difference. “I watch porn to get off, but I also love the range of shapes, colors, textures and sizes of vaginas I get to see,” said Martha, a 27-year-old dental assistant from York, England. Overall, it was listed as a positive tool for self-love more often than a source of anxiety. “There are so many different kinds of vaginas, comparison is really impossible. [Watching porn] really helps me enjoy mine, knowing as long as it works it’s still going to be a source of pleasure for me and my partner,” said Samantha, a mother of two from Oregon.Things women are most curious about in relation to their own vaginas:
- Squirting, how to
- Vajazzling, when to try
- Queefing, on command if possible?
- Growing out their bushes “just to see”
- Taste and smell (as one woman put it, “I just think it would be fun to experiment with making it more or less musky, fruity, or sweet”)
Advertisement

While some people were very positive about their labia—“I think I've got a great package! (chubby labia with just enough trimmed pubic hair and a super cute clitoris!)” said Peach, an 18-year-old from Hamilton, ON, and the youngest person to take the survey—this body part was most often mentioned in the “do you have any complaints” portion of the questionnaire.Negative feelings tended to center around what one woman described as “being a bit too ‘there’ in terms of labia minora.” One woman from London said, “There's a flap that is quite big and you can see it from the outside. I never liked this big, hanging flap. I thought my vagina looked weird. In fact I still don't quite like the look of it." Heather, a 20-year-old from the UK, said: “To quote the great Stoya, if my vagina was an emoticon, it would always look like this :P.”A Texas woman with long, asymmetrical labia explained the root of the issue: “You can’t see it when I’m standing or anything, but sometimes it gets uncomfortable, and I feel kind of weird about it. During sex it’s not a problem, but it can like, rub against my underwear… Tucking your one hangy labia back in isn’t like picking a wedgie, you know?”Respondents with large inner labia tended to echo the views of less hung men from last week. Most of them had experienced problems with this part of their body in their younger years, but were increasingly coming to accept and even love it. “One of my labia is larger than the other, and I think I have quite a big clit, but I’m really not sure. I used to think it was beautiful and pink and lovely, but after a shitty ex described it’s appearance as ‘complicated,’ I kinda just feel like all vaginas are weird,” said Alice, a 23-year-old from London who said she feels “very affectionate” towards her vagina overall.Overall, though, women really, really love their vaginas.
For real. Regardless of complaints about heavy flow, especially pungent discharge, hanging lips, or a desire for different pubes, almost 100 percent of women were wild about their vaginas. Maria, a 27-year-old from London, said, “Mine’s not small and neat like some people’s. I feel fondly about it and protective over it. Nowadays I’m far more outwardly celebratory about having one, and I think that ties in with being more shouty and positive about being a woman.” Melissa, an Aussie, said “I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider my vagina a good friend. We’re VBFs.”“Love is maybe not strong enough a word,” said Ella, from Edmonton, England. “My vagina is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.” A 20-year-old named Violet added, “I love it more than Netflix.”Follow Monica Heisey on Twitter.
