If you've ever fallen in love you'll know that sometimes, just sometimes, knowing something isn't enough: you've got to shout it from the rooftops, spunk this month's rent on a plane-attached-banner, and post regrettably lengthy, personal brand destroying soppy statuses every time another anniversary rolls around.
Your relationship with dance music can be similar. Every so often a hot new track slinks into your life and takes control. You think about it constantly, imagine holding it in your sweat-soaked arms, picture the pair of you hanging out in a Hawaiian hammock. You want to tell the whole world how much you love it. How it's your new baby.
The thing is, language is a tricky bastard sometimes and the right words don't always form themselves at the right time. Luckily for the tongue-tied and cack-handed of us out there, there's another form of communication: the t-shirt. Despite commonly held misconceptions, slogans on t-shirts are genuinely the best form of self-expression man's had at his disposal since we emerged from the primordial ooze. Fuck writing a letter or learning semaphore or pounding out a bit of morse code, if you want to get a message across properly you've got to iron a cliche in Helvetica onto one of Fruit of the Loom's finest.
The slogan T Shirt is a peculiar item. The sort of thing worn by someone who is mates with everyone but friends with none. Walking around with "Sex, Drugs, and Sausage Rolls" across their chest, loosely grinning and jumping into other peoples photos with their thumbs up. But this tragic outcome is woven into the very cheap fabric of the slogan T Shirt's being. How can something printed so many times, stacked to the ceilings of Primark's energy sapping basements, every really apply to anyone? That being said, people do wear them, so with this curious popularity in mind, let us explore the finest moments in the short history of the EDM T Shirt.
Let's start with a bonafide classic. Everyone - apart from Bush and Blair, yeah?! - knows that war is a Bad Thing. You know what'll put an end to thousands of years of petty, pointless, world-destroying conflict? EDM and T-shirts. Why have the powers that be, with their owl burning ceremonies and their shadowy trips to Switzerland and their sharp haircuts, not harnessed the pure power of a sidechain compressed bassline played to a field of pissed-on-two-Bud-Lite fratboys? Sadly they've been too busy hoarding oil or whatever it is they do to notice that. Imagine all the leaders of the G8 donning these as they clink glasses and chat about economics while Madeon plays in the background. A happier world. A better world.
Twist: this one is actually about drugs. There is no Molly. I know, head-fuck right????!!!!
The original. What Knuckles is to house, this t shirt is to slogans promoted by drunk dudes with more muscles than me. Less a motto, and more a mantra, the slogan provides the simple instructions that, if followed day in day out, will guarantee the rave runs through your veins. That, or it will guarantee you become an overweight narcoleptic with a burgeoning drug habit.
Look, fella, I'm sorry right, and I know you bought me tickets to Royal Blood and you want to to listen to that new band your girlfriend's brother's mate used to be in and I know you thought we'd be heading down the Granby to see your dad's new folk act Half a Shilling but the truth is, and I really am sorry fella, but I love EDM too much to do any of the above.
You know what? Keep Calm and Carry on is strong fucking advice that we could all heed and everyone of you fuckboys on Twitter who thinks that it's pernicious reach around this entire soppy nation's sentimental necks is just showing off for 1 RT and 3 Favs. I Keep Calm and Chill Out, I Keep Calm and Go Shopping, I Keep Calm and Eat Chocolate, I Keep Calm and Drink Starbucks, I Keep Calm and Graduate, I Keep Calm Relax It's Sunday, I KEEP CALM AND RAVE ON.