Sports

So, This David Ortiz Bobblehead is a Nightmare

This bobblehead is a disaster.
August 9, 2016, 7:54pm

Ok I can see why they cancelled Ortiz bobblehead night pic.twitter.com/3E9AtWgxOy
— Connor #2019Champs (@connortheOGfam) August 9, 2016

Why is it so hard to not fuck up a bobblehead? The Red Sox were supposed to hand out David Ortiz bobbleheads to fans tonight before opening a three-game series against the Yankees and they are no longer doing that because, well, look at that thing. Please click on it and expand the image, too.

A statement from the #RedSox regarding tonight's David Ortiz bobblehead giveaway: pic.twitter.com/btKRFyvDIE
— Boston Red Sox (@RedSox) August 9, 2016

Working our way from the ground up—I am a fan of crescendo—and things are already a little rough. David Ortiz's name appears…sort of messed up? Non-symmetrical and maybe a little bit like it was glued-on macaroni from a kindergarten project. The sponsor's name, W.B. Mason is not much better, looking like a neon sign with a couple letters out. The bobble head recovers briefly as most of Ortiz's body seems unobjectionable, but then we get to the head and the wheels fall off the wagon.

The beard is like a nightmare chia pet and at a certain point it juts south for no discernible reason, making his chin look deformed. Then the lips. My god, the lips. They are really, really pink! Some have pointed out that it looks racist—the juxtaposition of colors giving Bobblehead Ortiz the appearance of wearing blackface—but obviously, history notwithstanding, the Red Sox are not going to commission a racist bobblehead. That's just a truly unfortunate coincidence, on a truly unfortunate bobblehead.