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Eighty-Five Classic Drug Hiding Places the DEA Doesn’t Know About

The DEA blew the lid off of a bunch of timeless stash spots, but there are plenty others they haven't found yet.
Photo by Flickr user Karen Blaha, with modifications

The Drug Enforcement Agency has published a list that explains all the secret places teens are supposedly stashing their drugs these days. As the Washington Post pointed out, the list completely blows up the spot on classic hiding spaces like graphing calculators, alarm clocks, posters, and candy wrappers.

"You usually wouldn't be suspicious of your teen keeping his or her graphing calculator close, but if you suspect them of addiction, you may have to be," the DEA wrote. "Just like with alarm clocks, a small amount of drugs can be hidden inside of the battery compartment."

The agency also warns parents of strange, innocuous stash spots like teddy bears (parents "may want to consider" checking "inside seams") and highlighters (because "believe it or not, teens have used the inside of highlighter caps to store small amounts of drugs"). Belt buckles and game consoles also made the list.

We know what you're thinking: bummer! Well don't worry, young person. While the government might have ruined your shoes, belts, and candy wrappers as hiding spots, there are lots of other classic places where drugs can go that the DEA doesn't seem to know about. Here are 85 of them:

  • In your sock drawer
  • In a binder
  • In a shampoo bottle
  • In a jar of peanut butter
  • In bread
  • In a pillow
  • In a locker (of enemy)
  • In a bible
  • In a bag in the ground
  • Under the rug
  • Under the welcome mat
  • Taped to the wall behind the piano
  • In a blunt
  • In a cup
  • In your stomach
  • In your cast (if broken bone)
  • Just eat them
  • Your watch
  • In the doghouse
  • Inside your dog
  • Inside your cat
  • In a lipstick container
  • In a deodorant container
  • In the rain gutter
  • In your pants
  • In your hat
  • In Pharrell's hat
  • At the center of a hedge maze
  • In some bushes
  • In a tree
  • At my house
  • In a DVD case
  • In a vitamin bottle
  • In a suitcase with a false bottom
  • In a coffin
  • In a safe deposit box
  • In your butt
  • In your older brother's butt
  • In heaven, in god's butt
  • In hell, in the devil's butt
  • At the bottom of the sea
  • Atop the peak of Mount Chimborazo
  • On the kitchen table, disguised as limes
  • In the woods
  • In the pocket of your cargo shorts
  • In the pocket of your regular shorts
  • In your shirt pocket
  • Behind a framed photo of you and your parents
  • Under the couch
  • On top of the fridge
  • In the basement
  • In the attic
  • Under the porch
  • Under a lamp
  • Taped to the ceiling fan
  • In the Forbidden Place
  • In the drain pipe on the side of the house
  • In your desk drawer
  • In your wallet
  • In your hands
  • In an old coffee can
  • In the town reservoir
  • In the Upside Down
  • Under your mattress
  • In one of these
  • Just sit on them
  • In a rental house for your drugs
  • On a shelf taller than your mom
  • On the roof of a gazebo
  • In a book bag
  • In the void in your life social media cannot fill
  • Under the blue padding on the trampoline
  • Out back
  • Inside the hellmouth
  • On a drone
  • In a cross-shaped locket
  • On hot, fresh beignets, only it's coke instead of powdered sugar
  • In Muska's eS shoes
  • In a fully inflated balloon
  • In your hair
  • Taped under your armpit
  • Under the sink
  • In the toilet tank
  • At school
  • Nowhere, because doing drugs is for fools

This article is for entertainment purposes only. As mentioned, the best way to hide your drugs is to not do them at all.