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Identity

An Imagined Conversation Between Kim Davis and Pope Francis

If a Pontifex meets a homophobic county clerk and no one is around to see it, can we still make fun of it?
October 1, 2015, 2:00pm
The Pope meeting some people who are not Kim Davis. Photo via Flickr user Governor Tom Wolf

INT. THE VATICAN EMBASSY IN WASHINGTON - NIGHT

KIM DAVIS and her QUIET HUSBAND enter an elaborately draped chamber. COOL POPE™ rises from his gilded yet humble chair.

COOL POPE™: Well… here you are.

KIM DAVIS: It's such an honor to meet you, your eminence.

COOL POPE™: Many thanks. Hope the disguise wasn't too uncomfortable, just trying to… Well, something about security I guess.

KIM DAVIS: Oh absolutely. I completely understand.

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Kim takes off a frizzy brown wig to reveal her naturally frizzy brown hair, tied in a ponytail. She removes her "I HAVE ONE GAY FRIEND AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" T-shirt to reveal a jean jacket, then removes that to reveal a tank top reading "ROWAN COUNTY JAIL."

COOL POPE™: It's very nice to meet you. You know, a lot of people don't know this about me but I'm not particularly gay-friendly, so it's nice to be among people who also agree that certain sexual preferences make you more deserving of basic human rights—although we can all agree conscientious objection belongs to everybody.

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KIM DAVIS: I just really admire your work with the poor and sick. Also your prog-rock album. "Fazei O Que Ele Vos Disser" is my jam.

COOL POPE™: Thank you my child. Here, have a rosary. Nice to meet you, goodby—

KIM DAVIS: Should we get a picture together?

The Pope meeting a toddler who is not Kim Davis. Photo via Flickr user Governor Tom Wolf

COOL POPE™: Oooh, you know what? I just think it might be more special if we didn't get a picture together. You know? Christ always said, "Live in the moment."

KIM DAVIS: JC said that?

COOL POPE™: Oh for sure, somewhere. Between like "love your neighbor" and "those different from you are scum," it's in there.

KIM DAVIS: Okay, I'm just going to send out a quick tweet about being in the Vatican Embassy. I can't believe it. I'm nobody!

COOL POPE™: Do you… have to tweet about it, though? I support your work and beliefs—I'm a Catholic official so my views are as backward as the next guy's, but I've got an image to uphold here. People think I'm Cool™. I know I asked you here, and I want you to know I'm proud of you. But do I want the world to know…?

KIM DAVIS: Unclear.

COOL POPE™: Rhetorical, actually. Very clear. I do not want them to know.

The Pope uses his mitre to push Kim Davis' fingers away from her phone. She looks disappointed, like two romantically committed women have just asked her to do a simple job involving routine paperwork.

QUIET HUSBAND: She's just been through so much lately. Maybe one tweet?

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The Cool Pope™ looks to his PR representative, who is frantically shaking her head no. He turns to face Kim.

COOL POPE™: It's, uh, so inspiring that you and… this man… have been joined in marriage for so many years.

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KIM DAVIS: A few years, for sure.

COOL POPE™: Just a few? A woman of your age, with all your children, I presumed…

KIM DAVIS: Yeahhhhhh… well, my first husband…

COOL POPE™: Everyone makes mistakes. As far as I'm concerned, one marriage rightfully annulled should not interfere with a truer second union.

QUIET HUSBAND: I'm the fourth!

COOL POPE™: Well, it's lovely to see two Catholics joined in God's Love.

KIM DAVIS: About that…

COOL POPE™: Here, have a rosary.

A VATICAN AIDE enters.

AIDE: Your Holiness, we've assembled a skateboard outside and are ready for you to ollie over some climate change scientists while selectively forgiving some abortions and texting one lucky teen.

COOL POPE™: Oh thank God. Okay, Cam—

KIM DAVIS: Kim.

COOL POPE™: Yes, Claire, please accept this gift of sunglasses. Now put your wig back on and stay strong. Bye!