So You’re Jealous Of Your Friends’ Partner - What Now?

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So you’re feeling jealous that your friend has entered a new relationship and has started to pull away from you. That’s okay, this is normal. It’s healthy for you to miss your friend and the dynamic you used to have. But it’s also common for your friend’s priorities to change once they get into a new relationship – and you can’t get mad at them for the way their life is changing.

While we might know that logically, it still doesn’t change how we feel in the moment. Seeing our messages stay on “delivered” when they used to reply right away can feel frustrating. Especially when something exciting or emotional has happened to you and you want to share it with someone. 

It’s easy then for this feeling to quickly turn bitter, and you might start feeling jealous that your friend isn’t dedicating the same amount of attention to you as they used to. 

We might react to this in a lot of different ways. We could confront our friend, but that could drive them away for good. We can let the friendship go, but if it’s a good friendship, isn’t it worth fighting for? 

If you’re at the stage where you don’t know how to approach your friend about growing apart from you, here are some things you can consider. 

First off, let’s interrogate what this feeling actually is. In their podcast Dateable: Your Insider’s Look Into Modern Dating, hosts Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu mention the importance of being able to name what it is that you’re feeling. They also discussed the importance of understanding the difference between jealousy and envy. Envy being a discontented longing for someone else's advantages, whereas jealousy is an unpleasant suspicion or apprehension of rivalship. 

In this situation, it’s important to recognise where this anxiety over your relationship is coming from. Are you envious of your friend because they’re in a relationship and you’re not? Or are you jealous of your friend’s partner and feeling replaced by them? 

Understanding this emotion can help you decide on what steps you should take next, and if it’s something you need to work on personally or something you need to discuss with your friend.

If you were someone who put a lot of yourself into the friendship, and they were one of your closest friends, then it makes sense that their absence would hurt so much more. 

But consider this an opportunity to branch out and form new and stronger friendships outside of this. Having a diverse friendship group opens up so many pathways for you, and helps you broaden your perspective. 

If your old friend didn’t share some of your hobbies or interests, this is a great opportunity to venture out and try new things yourself. If you’re focusing on the things in life that make you happy, and that you excel at, it’ll make that distance more bearable. 

There’s a saying that a friend getting into a relationship doesn’t mean you have to lose that friend. Instead, it means you’ve made another.

If this partner is genuinely a good match for your friend, shouldn’t you be excited they found someone they vibe with so well? And by extension, maybe a new friend that you can connect with? 

If you are jealous of your friend’s partner - a solution could be to become the partner’s friend as well. To help them feel welcome in the friendship group, rather than an outsider.

If your friend continues to be distant and isn’t making the effort to reach out or make plans anymore, it’s valid to address this concern with them. 

How you do this depends on the kind of friendship that you have. If you don’t think your friend would react well to serious confrontation, don’t put them on the spot and expect them to choose between you or your partner. No one likes being given an ultimatum. 

But it’s valuable for your friend to hear that they might be dropping the ball on their friendships, and if they’re a good friend, they wouldn’t want to upset you.  

You can start by asking how they’re doing and how they’re feeling in the relationship and this might open up the conversation – or you may just need to be vulnerable off the bat and, without blaming them, explain how you feel. 

However the kōrero goes, it’ll be a slow process, and you might not end up having the same dynamic that you used to. Your friend will have different priorities now, but it’s up to both of you to communicate those new boundaries and work through them together.

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