I Spent a Decade Working for Churches (and It Was the Worst)

Illustrations by Michael Shaeffer

Before I started doing comedy and writing full time, I spent over a decade working for churches. Let me preface this by saying that I am not an angry atheist, or even someone who bashes organized religion. There are so many churches doing fantastic work for their communities and truly helping people with little or no attention from the media. I’ve worked for some that I’ve seen firsthand do tremendous work and even helped me with difficult times in my life. With that said, I’ve seen some of the most repulsive, sickening behavior you could possibly imagine by men and women claiming to be representatives of God. I worked with organizations in the smallest of towns and I’ve worked with some of the biggest names in religion, so I know what I’m talking about. I’m not someone judging from the outside. I’ve been a part of it, which, at times, felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.

I worked with an organization called Master’s Commission, which is basically a Bible college that combines the educational part of ministry with actual hands-on work. I had been involved with the program in Cincinnati, Ohio, and in Orlando, Florida. A pastor in Louisville, Kentucky, named Tony had seen the work that Master’s Commission had done and contacted my boss in Orlando about starting one at his church.

I was presented with an opportunity to move to Louisville with my wife at the time to run the program at his brand new church. As a 25-year-old, I was excited, but still smart enough to find out all the details. He sent over paperwork saying that the church would provide an apartment for us as well as pay us a handsome salary that was triple anything I had ever made before.

With the opportunity to return to my home state and to have financial stability doing what I enjoyed, I jumped at the chance. Tony contacted me and told me not to worry about bringing all of my old mix-and-match furniture, as they would be fully furnishing my place. I was in heaven.

That excitement didn’t last long.

Once I arrived, I quickly realized that I wasn’t just running a ministry training program, but basically every part of his church. My hours were whatever Tony felt like, which included staying up overnight burning CDs for a promotion idea he had at midnight. I pressed through all of this, because those things happen, right?

Then I realized something that wasn’t happening; I wasn’t getting paid. After a few weeks I approached Tony and asked when I would receive a check. He looked at me puzzled like I had asked some sort of ridiculous question. “Paid?” he asked. As I looked around the room for hidden cameras on what was clearly a prank show, Tony explained to me that he thought I would be raising my own salary as well as funding the ministry program and supporting his church. I had been taught to walk by faith, so I let him convince me this was possible. It was not.

I was booking services for the ministry program, driving my personal car since the church didn’t have any sort of vehicle, and trying to make my $200 love offering somehow cover my expenses for the trip, as well as my electric bill. After being forced to work on the kitchen staff at his daughter’s wedding (part of the ministry, right?) I was desperate. I brought him paperwork to sign so I could get food stamps. I couldn’t even afford to eat at this point. He looked at me, disgusted, and informed me of what an insult it was to even ask him to do this, and that if I had that little faith in God to provide for me, then I needed to do some serious soul searching. I did.

Three days later I told him I quit. Upon hearing this, he and his wife came over to my apartment and yelled at me for what was probably an hour, but felt like a year. They told me that I would never make it in ministry, or in life, if I couldn’t trust God. When they were finally done I heard a moving truck pull around out front. They were taking back all of the furniture that was given to me.

If you think he was done there, guess again. A few weeks after I moved, I received papers saying that he was suing me for the remaining cost of rent and for misrepresenting myself as someone who could do this job. Shockingly enough, Tony is no longer in ministry and his wife left him. I wonder what happened to his faith?

After a little time away repairing myself both mentally and emotionally, I got an offer to run another ministry program at the church where I had been a ministry student in Ohio. I was overjoyed by the chance to head up the exact program that had previously had such an impact on my life. We moved, and everything went great for the first year.

The number of students was up and our preview day had more attendants than any year in the history of the program. I was on fire. All of that came to a screeching halt one morning as my wife asked to meet with me, along with the senior pastor, in his office. I had no idea what was going on, but I assumed it wasn’t good judging by the tears that were building up in her eyes.

She then informed me that she had been having an affair with one of the students, who was more or less my assistant. It had been going on for a while. I said, “OK, good to know,” and walked out of the room, drove to the movie theater, and watched Shutter. It was one of the dumbest movies I had ever seen. I gathered myself together as I got a call from the pastor asking me to meet him and my wife at IHOP. I love pancakes so I figured this would be a great way to ruin my relationship, and with it, my favorite breakfast food.

He explained her feelings and issued an apology like some sort of contract negotiation, then asked if I would be OK to drive her home. I told him it would be fine. As soon as I got in the car I asked when she was leaving. She looked at me perplexed and asked what I meant. Apparently she thought I was going to let her plow my intern and then just hug her and go on about my day. I made it clear that I wanted nothing else to do with her ever again, much to her surprise.

I dropped her off at the house to pack and stayed at a friend’s place, only to be interrupted by a phone call from the pastor telling me he needed to meet as soon as possible. What happened next was truly astounding. He basically informed me that it wouldn’t look good if a single man was running their ministry program and so I could either reconcile things with my ex (I had already changed my relationship status on Myspace. It was officially over) or I could step down from my job. This is what Jesus would do, right? Thus saith the lord, if someone is down, maketh it that much worse.

I tried staying around for a few weeks after, taking a new role as an assistant in the program, but the pastor began trying to push me out. I bought a car since I had given the old one to my ex and he yelled at me for not consulting with him first on where to buy one. His assistant later met with me and told me I would be losing my health benefits and would go from a staff member to contract labor. At one point I decided to get away on my days off and go visit some friends in Louisville. I was told I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore and that I should stay in town for reasons that I’ll never understand. He was making my life hell, so I had to leave.

At this point, I was done working for churches. I moved down to Orlando for a fresh start and got a place with a couple of my friends. While unsuccessfully searching for a job, I ended up volunteering at the giant megachurch where my roommate worked. That eventually led to me getting hired as part of the staff there. These churches run like well-oiled machines, at least on the surface. Services are like rock concerts, and the thousands in attendance leave in awe.

Behind the scenes, however, it’s a different story. I saw men, women, and families fired constantly due to “budget issues.” These people made no more than $400 per week, while the senior pastor lived in a multimillion-dollar-home and had more luxury cars than Autotrader.com. Once, in a staff meeting, the pastor came in and informed the staff that, not only were none of us irreplaceable, but as soon as he found someone that could do any of our jobs for less money, he would fire us. That boosts moral, doesn’t it?

I saw families struggle to pay bills while the pastor’s daughter was given an apartment and paid a full salary to show up for maybe six hours per week. I came in every day terrified that it would be the day I would lose my job. I started absorbing other vacated jobs into my own. I would offer to take on the responsibilities of anyone who was fired, at no additional pay. I was making around $400 a week and doing the work of at least four people.

In July 2011, the church held its annual music conference, attended by thousands from around the world. I took on a tremendous workload to try to make myself as valuable as possible. At the end of the conference we were supposed to get a few well-deserved days off. Instead, after working what was probably an 80-hour week, I was brought into a conference room and told that my season was up. That’s the spiritual way of telling you that you’re fired. I was in a new, healthy relationship, expecting a child in five months. I had just worked as hard as I possibly could, and now I was being fired. It was devastating.

Again, I’m not bitter against God and I don't hate the church, although if there’s anyone who could justifiably hate church, it would be me. It’s unfortunate that anyone can start a business and claim that they are an ambassador of God, but it’s been that way for a long time and it will continue to be that way. I can only hope that people who run churches as if they're their personal bank accounts, tossing people aside, realize the error in their ways, or have that truth revealed to them. Not all churches are bad, but the ones that are have no problem being as bad as they can be.

@robfee