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LUNCH CONTROVERSY: DID MY CHOCOLATE JUST FAG-BASH ME?

January 21, 2010, 5:26pm

Today I went to get my stupid lunch of a stupid healthy salad and as I was plunking down my stupid dough, my eyes spotted these delicious-looking 50-cent Italian Baci Perugina chocolates right by the register. I thought, "This will be a perfectly-sized little treat to reward myself for eating such a stupid, boring, gross, healthy salad!" So I bought it and I ate my retarded salad and then it came time for the tasty treat. I slowly unraveled the foil with care, and as I popped the chocolate morsel into my mouth, a thin piece of waxy paper fluttered down to my desk. "Ooh, a fortune!" I thought. As I slowly, sumptuously swished the chocolatey indulgence around in my mouth, I held the fortune to my eyes. In five different languages it read:

"Only men who are not interested in women are interested in their clothes." Suddenly the sinfully delicious taste of Baci chocolate turned shamefully bitter in my mouth with the realization that MY CHOCOLATE WAS HOMOPHOBIC! I almost spit it out (almost) but my mind was reeling. First of all, the sentence structure renders the message unclear. Who is the "their" referring to? Does it mean that only men who are not interested in women are interested in their (the women's) clothes? Or their (their own) clothes? Thus, if we are to assume that "men who are not interested in women" is the Italian euphemism for "fags," then are they saying that only fags care about women's clothes, i.e. insinuating that the fashion industry is run by gays? Or does that mean if you dress fancy you're automatically a fag? OR is it just a condescending statement like "only fags care about fashion because it's stupid"? Or do they mean only fags care about what a woman is wearing, because straights are only concerned with whether or not they can fuck her? O-R is it like a macho, "real men don't worry about what to wear" thing? Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr is it secretly pro-homo and they're saying that only gays care about their own clothes, ergo, straight guys are slobs? Any which way, I don't like it! I urge everyone to BOYCOTT BACI PERUGINA until they explain themselves and apologize for ruining my lunch! AMY KELLNER