I Will Be Your Mayor Again, Toronto

Rob's re-coronation will probably drive Marion Barry into a fit of jealous rage.

Folks, it’s that time again. Yes, the time where I can take a break from the grueling slog of governing Toronto, and get back to what the people elected me to do: campaign for re-election. On January 2nd, I woke up before 10AM for the first time in decades, so that I could be the very first candidate to register for the 2014 municipal election. I know it’s hard to imagine what more I can possibly accomplish now that I’ve saved the city a billion dollars and lowered the unemployment rate to 7% last summer (since then, of course, city council raised it back up to 9.8% when they rudely stripped me of my job-creating powers). But there is still much to do in this great—albeit disaster-stricken—city of ours. The gravy train has been exhumed from the railyards, fresh tax dollars shoveled into its metaphorical furnace, wild-eyed tax-and-spend socialist Norm Kelly hired as the new engineer, and no one but I can stop it. That’s why I need your vote again this October 27th.

Now, you might be asking yourselves: “Why should we vote for you, Rob? You smoke crack!” Well, if that’s the case, then you might be distracted by those latte-gargling downtown elitists who point to my occasional modest consumption of alcohol and crack, and the fact that I inadvertently told a few fibs, and my associations with alleged “criminals” who are nothing more than misunderstood kids that got caught up in some politically-motivated dragnet. I need to remind you that these are all personal matters (or, in the case of my part-time driver, Sandro Lisi, who faces drug-trafficking and extortion charges, personnel matters), and none of them have any bearing whatsoever on my ability to be the greatest mayor in the history of Toronto. So just ignore all that stuff, and focus on my record. Actually, let’s ignore that too, and focus on my campaign platform, which is the most exciting platform I’ve ever climbed up on. Folks, I am thrilled to be back in the saddle. I’m chomping at the bit, and I am positively drooling at the prospect of campaigning. Of course, that might just be a side effect of the meth, but you should be happy to know I’ve moved on from crack.

A city without Mayor Frod at the helm is ripe for another attack from vengeful ice gods. Photo by Mark Watough.

The centrepiece of my campaign is a collector’s set of three key slogans. You’ve already heard “Frod More Years.” Another is “Still No Charges Yet,” because what more could the people ask of a mayoral candidate other than not yet being arrested for anything? But the one I’m most excited about, and I’ve been saving the best until now, is the brand new slogan for my 2014 campaign: “Stop The Gravy Train Again.” This inspiring and original new catchphrase was conceived by none other than the city’s most celebrated political mastermind, my brother Doug, who is my campaign manager and dispenser of mad $20’s. So what policies will I enact to derail this runaway train? Read on, folks.

One of the single biggest expenses in Toronto is the police budget. Now, as I always say, I’m a big fan of our front-line police officers (the ones who risk their lives to protect you from dangerous drug addicts who don’t happen to be mayors), and they are big fans of me. It’s all those higher-ranking officers and nosy detectives who keep invading our personal lives for purely political reasons; they’re the ones who have to go. So I promise to eliminate every position above the rank of constable in the Toronto Police Services. We don’t need high-falutin’ chiefs and inefficient middle managers gobbling up tax dollars so they can waste resources pursuing vendettas against law-abiding people who just happen to unwind now and then with a hit of crack, or order a jailhouse beating to protect their families. Those frontline officers will no longer have to worry about their superiors looking over their shoulders to enforce unnecessary laws, so they’ll be more likely to look the other way when you’re driving home after unwinding with a few drinks, or when your wife calls in a domestic assault. If you show a little generosity as a citizen, these guys will let you get on with your life instead of burdening the justice system with expensive court cases. Right away, there’s seven or eight billion dollars saved. Thank me later, folks.

Our city is swamped by another kind of gravy too, and you can see it on a fine summer day from any high-rise window: a sickening sea of green strangling the economic lifeblood of Toronto. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about the trees. Not content to pollute our yards with leaf corpses, or harbouring vicious birds who cost us a fortune in car washing, these foul flora were also responsible for all those nasty power outages during the recent ice storm. By maliciously flinging their frozen branches onto hydro wires, these trees turned our city into a war zone at the height of the Christmas season (though not badly enough to declare a state of emergency). Enough is enough, folks: We need to cut down all these trees, first thing. Now I know some pointy-headed policy wonk will point out that I voted against funding our tree-pruning program, but that’s because I don’t believe in coddling lazy unionized city workers. Instead, let’s contract out our citywide tree removal to the highest bidder, or at least a business with a catchy name. And how will this be paid for, you might ask? It’s simple, folks: We will penalize every property with trees on it, to the tune of $100 a tree. If you happen to own rental properties, by the way, you can easily pass this cost along to your tenants. Cut’em down now before the by-law takes effect!

Finally, a couple more brand new policy proposals. By cutting the size of city council in half, we can save trillions of dollars. It also means we could hold council meetings in a smaller side room, or at KFC, thereby freeing up the current council chamber to become a casino, bringing much-needed revenue into Toronto—while also taking advantage of Toonie Tuesdays where applicable. Also, did I mention subways? Subways, subways, subways? Subways… subways. Now that I’ve built a new subway line for Scarborough, it’s time to decide which area deserves a subway next. Obviously the denizens of Etobicoke (or as we affectionately call each other, Etobicokeheads) have been struggling for centuries without a single subway station. Since there’s no more money available to build new lines, I propose we move the Yonge-University loop from downtown (after all, those pampered ingrates already have more subways than they know what to do with) and reposition it to serve a busy loop from Dixon Road, through Windsor drive, looping around the Lisi residence, all the way to my house. I’ll call it the “Underworld Railroad.”

Those are merely a few of my policies, folks, just the tip of the iceberg for my Titanic re-election campaign. I’ll probably think up a few more gems on the campaign trail, or while hammered at a press scrum. Together we can Stop The Gravy Train Again. And as long as there’s Still No Charges Yet, it’ll be Frod More Years!

@TOMayorFrod