Room Service Guys See Some Crazy Shit

Illustrations by Claire Milbrath

I'm sure there’s a hilarious vintage porn scene that starts with a muscular room service guy showing up to a hotel room in tight briefs, a bowtie and crew cut. He brings the cart into the room and lifts the silver platter saying, “Did somebody order the kielbasa?”… or something like that. Then the two semi-hot female hotel guests take their clothes off and smear whip cream all over each other. Then they have sex to the sound of funk guitar.

While that sort of scenario probably doesn’t happen often in real life, there's something about the transient nature of hotel rooms that allows people to act a bit more laid back, sometimes they even get buck wild. Maybe it’s the feeling that you can make a mess and someone will always clean it up and that you’ll probably never even see that room again. So even though there aren't many spontaneous whip-cream filled three-ways and terrible sausage puns happening at most hotels, room service workers do get to witness some strange things. We spoke to some of them about some of the crazy shit they’ve seen.

Mr. Perfect
One week I delivered to a wealthy family of four who had two little girls. The father and mother dressed really well, the children were polite and well behaved. I delivered their breakfast and dinner every day for the entire week, to the point they knew me by name. I looked forward to serving them because I really loved watching how they were so close and loving. The dad always made sure his wife and kids had everything. I would always see him in the hallway holding his wife and carrying his two little girls. I admired him, he was polished, good looking, always smiled and was always close to his lady; a perfect gentleman. At the end of the week I served them their last dinner just before they flew out and I shook the man's hand and complimented him for being such a great father. Much later that same night, at the very last hour of my shift, I get an order for 2 bottles of Dom Perignon and some strawberries to another room.Two young beautiful naked escorts greet me at the door and ask me to set the room. As I asked who would like to sign the bill, the perfect father came out and said, "Hey, I know you." It was awkward. Apparently the guy decided to stay an extra night for a last-minute business call, which isn't uncommon.

Best Shift Ever
I had one room order a good amount of food. When I got upstairs this tall beautiful woman – she must have been at least 6 feet tall – opened the door and whispered for me to come in. She was fully nude and had great tits – they were huge. She was fully shaved below. She asked me to close the door right away. I had no clue what was happening but all I knew was that my dreams had come true, I had always wished for this situation to happen but never thought it would. So I stepped up like a man and just lived in the moment. As I pushed the cart to the middle of the room she was fully touching me and trying to turn me on. All of a sudden a really intoxicated man walked into the room and seemed happy to see me, it was her husband. I'm pretty sure he saw his wife all over me but he was so drunk he couldn’t even see where to sign his bill and spent a long time just looking at it. Most of the room was pretty dark so he walked towards the lit side while the lady was secretly placing her breasts on my face in the dark. I took my my time explaining the food thoroughly with every ingredient on the plate while feeling up his wife, making sure he couldn't see us. I felt a little guilty so I headed for the door all nonchalant. But the lady would not leave me alone and kept asking me to stay. All of this was happening while her husband was still trying to figure out how to sign the bill. I always promised myself that if I ever found myself in this situation that I would just enjoy it. So I grabbed her and fingered her until she came. She took a deep breath and right on time the man turned around and gave me the bill. I thanked them both. The best part was that the husband tipped me $50.

Mr. North
I requested to work a shift because a certain high profile celebrity came to town and I really, really wanted to meet this guy hoping he would tip well. Unfortunately it didn't work out and they gave the shift to some guy who's probably never even seen an episode of TMZ and had no clue who this celebrity was. Let's call this celebrity "Mr. North". I came in the next morning and asked my co-worker how our special guest was and he told me that Mr. North had specific requests and needed to be looked after very well. Mr. North ordered some OJ, pancakes and eggs for breakfast and the room service guy spent a lot of time making sure everything was perfect. He said Mr. North was a nice guy when he got to the door; he brought in the cart and set up his breakfast. But as he was walking out the door, Mr. North mentioned that he had no change on him so he was unable to give a tip. Instead Mr. North quickly grabbed an unused jacket from his wardrobe and handed it to the room service guy. The guy walked away in disgust and gave the jacket to a co-worker who later gave it to another co-worker because the jacket did not fit him. That same week I checked around and found other makes of that jacket were being sold for $1500 online. To this day I’ve never told him how much it was worth.

The Sex Hostage
There was a well-known conductor and musical director staying in the hotel and he’d been there for a couple days. No one had had much to say about him, he was nice enough. Then one Sunday morning a naked man crawled out of the conductor’s hotel window on the third floor, climbed over the balcony and scaled down the wall of the hotel. There was brunch being served on the patio below at the adjacent restaurant and the half-naked man jumped down onto the umbrella that was attached to a table and then crashed onto a table with people having brunch. He was shouting, “Don’t strangle me! Don’t strangle me!” The man got up off the table, hopped the fence of the upscale restaurant patio and ran off down the street. It’s a very busy restaurant and a really nice neighborhood with lots of people walking around and enjoying the day. Everyone thought it was some sort of drug-crazed lunatic. They sent someone up to the room immediately to see what was happening and it turned out our guest was holding him captive against his will in the hotel room – other staff had heard shouting earlier but hadn’t thought much of it and figured it just another rowdy domestic dispute. The guest ended up being charged with assault and forcible confinement.

Bang Bros
I came in to work one Sunday afternoon and it was slow. I hadn’t received many orders so I was just taking it easy. When one order finally came in, they demanded a lot of high maintenance things. They wanted me to cut their limes and lemons in a special way for them, give them 20 champagne glasses and a whole lot of serving utensils. This was very unusual because it was coming from a very expensive room that usually would order expensive wines and champagnes, not bring their own with them.  After filling the order and going up and down the elevator looking for weird things they asked for like ice bags and extra cloths, they all started to get to know me. Every time I delivered something to the room I noticed that there were more and more men. The room was full of weed smoke and it reeked of alcohol even though the windows were all open. They had loud rap music setting the mood. They asked me if I wanted to come party and that it was only proper that I join them after my shift. I was excited and looked forward to the end of my day. From where I was standing it looked like fun – a bunch of crazy rich dudes getting stoned.

At the end of my shift I stayed dressed in my work clothes ready to party and headed upstairs to the room fake-delivering an un-opened can of Red Bull in case someone from the hotel asked me what I was doing. As I opened the door, they were already all drunk and I noticed a large bowl of condoms, and I was excited thinking for sure there was going to be women inside having a wild party. There were a couple women, but they were really old and really wasted with tattoos everywhere and make-up all over their faces. One of them was doing a line off the end table and the other one was dancing up against her. It was horrifying and kind of nuts because these guys were so into it. As I entered they escorted me to the living room and told me it was my turn to have sex. I immediatley backed out towards the door and laughed it off saying, "Oh thanks, ya, it's OK. I'm only here to deliver this Red Bull." I got the hell out of there and drank at the pub next door instead.

Follow Angela on Twitter: @angelamaries

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