Hey eggheads! No Danish sex party for you

Legalised prostitution celebrates its tenth anniversary this year in Denmark. As long as you’re in good with the IRS – the freebee amendment, we gather – you can sell that horizontal mambo till your crotch falls off. So getting laid during the UN Climate Summit in December should be fairly easy, right? Wrong. The Copenhagen City Counsel recently emerged with a plan. An ethical code of conduct to be handed out during the cleverly nicknamed COP15, saying something like, ”Lay off the hookers, climate dudes. Please.”

Vice: Hello Trine Schaltz of the Socialist People’s Party and city counsel woman!

Trine Schaltz: Hi, I was expecting another call, you know that feeling?

Sure, angry hookers I assume?

No no.

But what’s up with you guys shaking down honest working girls?

Earlier this year there was a preliminary climate summit during which we noticed an increase in prostitution. So we felt that we wanted to discourage the summit participants soliciting prostitutes, staying in hotels that allow prostitutes and so forth, while they’re in Copenhagen. We want to signal that we don’t find it "OK."

So you're just horsing around on moral high grounds?

You can say that, yes.

But, since it’s a climate summit, why don’t you advise the visitors to, I don’t know, boycott Copenhagen taxis and go rent some fucking bikes?

We felt this was more important, you have to consider the bigger picture.

Which is?

When there’s an increase in demand, we also see more women being trafficked to Denmark. I can only speak for my own party, and we already address matters like trafficking and the consequences of illegal prostitution. Members of every represented party passed this proposal.

OK, I admit that the taxi metaphor wasn’t apt. What you’re really saying is more like, "Don’t buy Lego," because you’re afraid of playing into the hands of the Lego-knock off mafia?

Well, we feel the prostitution issue is a bit more important.

Don’t feel any regret towards the legal prostitutes whose businesses you’re jeopardising here?

Actually, some of them have thanked us for putting focus on the issue.

I heard talk of badges. Tell me, what will be written on them?

Something like "The city of Copenhagen recommends that you do not solicit prostitutes during your stay in the city."

You’re gonna need some pretty big badges. Do you have time for a hypothetical question?

Sure, shoot.

You know the movie Indecent Proposal with Demi Moore and Robert Redford?

Yes.

Great, well would you--hypothetically--accept money to sleep with a stranger?

No, I wouldn’t. Money isn’t everything you know.

OK, thanks!

You’re welcome.

We also called SIO, which is sort of like a prostitute union.

Vice: Susanne Møller, you’re the spokesperson for hookers in Denmark.

Susanne Møller: Actually we prefer the term sex workers.

Sex workers it is then! So, are you guys getting good and ready for the climate summit?

Sure, but there won't be more work, that’s a myth.

So City Hall is lying then?

I just don’t think they know any better and they don’t do the research, so instead they grasp at whatever straws they can find. This climate summit assumption was based on a single article, where two sex workers said they were slightly busier during the preliminary summit.

Then what’s their angle?

They want to ban prostitution altogether and this is just another way of harassing us. Won't be the last time and it’s not the first either.

What else have they done?

Earlier they came up with all sorts of bogus reasons why prostitution was hazardous to our health.

Like?

Like they said we were a high-risk group for arthritis of the jaw.

Ah right, from all the cocksucking and such? But it was total bogus, they made it up based on some half-arsed research, that was later dismissed as being completely false.

So not that thankful I take it?

Like I said, it’s harassment and what right do they have to go around scaring off our customers?

Have you heard about the bigger picture?

Listen, trafficking is ultimately competition for us and of course no women should be forced into prostitution against their will. But our feeling is that outlawing prostitution won’t better anything, it will just mean harder times for people who are already marginalised.

And the ethical code of conduct?

Come on. How is that going to help victims of trafficking? Anyway I would hope the climate folks have better things to do than run up prostitutes.

OK… wait a second, this isn’t one of those numbers where you end up paying shitloads of money is it?

What? You called me?

Erm, yeah but, what I mean is… never mind, I’m calling from an office phone anyway. Bye!

Goodbye.