MATTY PARKER: ROOMMATE

Vice

contributor and comedic brick shithouse

Mike Sacks

recently put together a new collection of humor writing. It's titled

Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason

and you can buy it

here

. As a special Friday treat, we've convinced Mike to let us excerpt a piece from the book. This one's about Matty Parker, Mike's former roommate. Mike also serves as Matty's official historian and biographer. As you'll discover, Matty is a somewhat troubled 31-year-old with a penchant for hot dogs, drinking too much booze, and self-loathing. Enjoy!

O, Matty Parker: My Roommate, My Patron!

O, Matty Parker of Manhattan! I sing your praises as your official historian and biographer! The magnificence of your existence knows no bounds! (As you already know from having read the previous 253 chapters, this is the ongoing biography of my roommate and patron, Matty Parker, 31, of Manhattan. In lieu of paying for rent or food, I spend my days and nights following Matty around, and then—usually very late in the evening, after Matty has gone to bed—I type up and e-mail a brand-new chapter to all of you.) What follows is Chapter 254, which I shall call "March 26." It was a very busy and fulfilling day! Matty awakes at noon. At precisely 2:05 PM, Matty meets with his former wife in the "Self Help" section of the Book Nook, near Lincoln Center, to iron out some details pertaining to the divorce settlement. The meeting ends with the somewhat sudden departure of Matty's wife at 2:07 PM. After apologizing to the store's staff for losing his temper and trying to rip in half

Understanding Ourselves & Our Relationships

, Matty makes his way over to Gray's Papaya—at the corner of 72nd Street and Broadway—for a delicious, relaxing lunch. Matty orders his usual: a large hot dog topped with coleslaw and extra mustard. While waiting for his order, Matty chats up a new employee, a pretty blonde working the cash register. Although the conversation starts slowly, Matty quickly impresses her with a detailed joke about a shy nun and a very randy sailor. As is his custom, Matty acts out all of the roles, complete with special vocal inflections and nuanced gestures. Lunch ends at 2:40 PM, just after Matty explains to the restaurant's manager that making seventeen-year-olds cry is not necessarily a hobby of his. At 2:46 PM, Matty finishes his hot dog out on the sidewalk. At 2:48 PM, Matty generously feeds a squirrel the remains of his bun. As luck would have it, an old acquaintance of Matty's happens to then pass by, Jill Turner, whom Matty had not seen in many years. After some pleasantries, the conversation continues thus:

Jill:

"So, who's your friend? And why is he jotting down everything you're saying?"

Matty:

"That's my roommate. He's under my patronage."

Jill:

"Patronage?"

Matty:

"I once read a

Prince Valiant

comic strip about a king who had his very own writer, and I thought it would be cool to have one also." At 3:09 PM, Jill leaves somewhat suddenly. At 3:47 PM, Matty purchases a very nice pair of striped slacks that will be more than adequate for an interview with a temp agency. Let me stress once again that Matty shouldn't be held accountable for losing his last job! How Matty was accused of masturbating in the office's technology room remains a mystery and will not be spoken of further, at least in this chapter. (For additional information, please see Chapter 186: "Matty is Escorted Out of Merrill Lynch by a Double-Gloved Security Guard.") At 4:15 PM, Matty reads the entire Help Wanted section of

The New York Times

while standing at a magazine/ newspaper kiosk, paying particularly close attention to those jobs that won't require references. A detailed account of the next five minutes: 4:17 PM: Matty steps in a wad of gum. 4:21 PM: Matty claps an old man on the back. 4:21 PM: Old man tells Matty not to touch him. 4:21 PM: Matty says he meant no disrespect; he was just trying to be friendly. 4:22 PM: Old man spits. With much already accomplished, it is now time to head home! As Matty and I walk back to our apartment, I take a moment to recall some of my all-time favorite "Matty- isms," deliciously witty quips and one-liners that Matty is so justifiably famous for. Here are just a few: "If owning a tanning lamp is a luxury, then call me luxurious." (November 3) "The heavier the cologne, the louder she's gonna moan." (February 15) "Flavored popcorn is for assholes." (often) "If there's a better party song than 'Kokomo,' I'd like to know about it." (March 3) "Superheroes who fly get laid the

most

. Superheroes who swim get laid the

least

." (Unknown) "If I wore a bathing suit with horizontal stripes, would my penis appear larger?" (March 12) (Note: There are literally thousands upon thousands of "Matty-isms," all of which you can find in

Appendix A

of this book.) By 5:21 PM, Matty is safely ensconced back in his "Poon Shack," the three-bedroom condo on West 79th that he bought a few years ago with a little help from his extraordinarily successful father (whom Matty resembles in both looks and character, if not height and personality). This is when things

really

heat up . . . • A magnificent and delicious dinner begins at 6:21 PM, with the arrival of the deliveryman from Señor Swanky's bearing the "Jalapeno Fire Bombs." • At 6:33 PM, Matty finishes drinking his fourth margarita out of a large plastic mug in the shape of a festive sombrero. • At 7:35 PM, Matty vomits into his large, sombrero- shaped plastic mug. As I now (at 9:45 PM) watch Matty slowly and begrudgingly finish his Mexican food sans utensils, I take a quick moment to thank myself for having responded to that full-page ad he placed in the back of

The Village Voice

in March 2010. The fact that I had just graduated from NYU, and couldn't afford to pay the rent on any apartment in Manhattan, let alone on such a beautiful apartment on the Upper East Side, only furthers my admiration for this amazing human being! Meanwhile, Matty burps loudly, yet not obnoxiously. This can signify only one thing: that Matty is readying himself for bed. "Catch you on the rebound," he impishly declares, winking and then making his way into his spacious bedroom, decorated just so with numerous and exciting promotional bar freebies. (For a complete and alphabetized list, please check out

Appendix B

.) Looking after Matty with awe, and wiping the hot sauce off my hand with a paper napkin, I can't help but smile. If day 254 was this exciting, what will day 255 have in store? Another old man spitting? Or perhaps just a quiet and rewarding day of "ordering in" and listening to Matty karaoke by himself to his enormous collection of

Party Jamz

CDs? No matter how it plays out, at least until my student loans are paid off, I'll be along for the exhilarating ride! O, Matty Parker, my roommate and my patron, I shall continue to sing your praises, as you are unequivocally without equal! Until tomorrow's electrifying chapter, I am very truly yours . . .

Mike Sacks, Official Biographer of Matty R. Parker, He of the Upper East Side of Manhattan