Seven-Year-Old Boy Makes Extremely Unrealistic Application For Vacant Inverness Caledonian Thistle Job

When news broke that a seven-year-old boy called Ewen had applied to fill the vacant managerial position at Inverness Caledonian Thistle, many people were quick to praise his initiative. "Brilliant!" one Twitter user cried. "Love this!" exclaimed another. "This is my favourite news story of the week!" declared one particularly enthusiastic observer. "Good lad!" bellowed countless others, often accompanied by a handclap emoji or perhaps – if they were feeling generous – a cry-laughing face.

When the BBC reported that the lad's application had been turned down, many feigned disappointment. For the business-minded amongst us, however, this outcome was as inevitable as it was appropriate.

The fact is that seven-year-old boys cannot reasonably be considered for high-responsibility management roles. For a child of that age to apply to become a top-tier football coach – even in the Scottish Premier League – is both extremely unrealistic and an improper use of time.

When we encourage this sort of behaviour, surely we must ask ourselves: as a society, should we really be praising a seven-year-old for applying for a job before he has the requisite qualifications? Does Ewen even have a UEFA coaching license? And if not, how can he be surprised at his failure to land the role?

Rather than send an email to the club requesting an interview, Ewen sent a handwritten letter to Inverness Chairman Kenny Cameron. This isn't the '70s, unfortunately, and anything other than a cordial electronic communication is unlikely to secure an interview for this sort of job.

Moreover, the application suggests that the would-be manager might not be able to commit all of his time to the club. "I can speak to my Headmaster and see if he would be up for letting me leave school early for important matches and training" says Ewen. But what about the less important matches? How can an employee achieve an effective work-life balance, if he spends his evenings doing Key Stage Maths? And how can he possibly hope to help the club develop a marketable brand, if he's otherwise occupied playing wall ball, eating cheese strings, and making mock-Tudor houses out of papier-mâché?

It's just not feasible, sadly. The club has to protect its interests, hence reject outright all job applications it receives from primary-school children.

While the club has been entirely responsible in discouraging this sort of behaviour, the public have been considerably less prudent. Some of those endorsing Ewen's application must have seven-year-old children of their own, and should ask themselves: would your child succeed in a high-pressure working environment? Can your child deliver consistent results? Has your child got an excellent track record in senior football management? And, most importantly, why on earth would you want your child to manage Inverness Caledonian Thistle?

Disclaimer: this is intended as a parody of the world of work, and not meant to be taken seriously. If you're reading this, Ewen: 1) Good on you lad and 2) please do not read any more Vice articles, because they will destroy your innocence.