Welcome, once again, to the Noisey Power Rankings, our very official system where we determine who had good weeks and who took big ol’ Ls. As always, we tried to cover musicians but got distracted by chain restaurants and weirdos in Florida. So let’s dig in…
There were many moving tributes to the late Marvel mastermind Stan Lee online this week, but none more touching than this one from sports radio host Mike Francesa. Beautiful words from a beautiful man. To quote Eddie in Hoboken, “Jeeeesus.”
How dark has this year been, exactly? It’s dark enough to make Shawn Mendes go goth. Shawn….. welcome to the eternal darkness. We meet on Wednesday nights. Bring your infinite sorrow and also some seltzer if you have time to swing by Stop and Shop.
We’re having a tough time imagining anything that embodies the USA in 2018 better than a stuffed bear made to look like our scowling, geriatric President with an American flag that comes out of its ass. We are wasting our time with this whole music writing thing and need to start a business that grifts MAGA grandparents out of their money. Maybe a hollowed out American Girl doll with room inside to store a handgun (in case MS-13 shows up at Christmas dinner)? We’re sure the NRA’s team of tinfoil hat dumbshits are already hard at work on such a thing, though.
Holy fuck we can’t believe we’re saying this but Iggy goes up this week. Known Israel supporter Bhad Bhabie tried to start some shit in a club by tossing a drink in the direction of Iggy, who did not engage, seeing as how that would have meant fighting a literal teenager. We realize how low the bar is set for Iggy that not participating in teen brawls will net her a good week, but a win is a win!
We never know what’s waiting for us in our inbox. This week, there was an email with the subject line: “Snoop Dogg Receives Special Delivery from Spyro the Dragon Drone.” At first we thought maybe someone had developed an AI bot to prank us with a bunch of random pop culture words randomly jammed together, but no, there are photos and videos of such an event (below). Snoop also got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which at first seemed cool but then we looked into it and you have to pay $40,000 for one of those things. Fucks to that! He could’ve bought a life-sized replica of himself made out of weed for that kinda money.
Look, we know we give Russ a lot of shit on this website for being Russ, but selling out the Staples Center? Goddamn. That’s a glo-up. This is just wholesome content and we can’t even be mad at it.
Kanye was never a great dancer, but this new video sees him dropping into Used Car Lot Inflatable Dancing Man territory. At first, we couldn’t figure out what was causing his dance moves to take this big of a hit, but then he tweeted a photo of himself singing Backstreet Boys songs at karaoke with Mark Zuckerberg. Yeah, that’ll do it. Hang out among tech bros long enough and their nerd stink is gonna rub off on you.
Lil Jon’s Publicist
Lil Jon’s publicist goes down for yelling at us on Twitter for spelling the rapper’s name wrong in last week’s power rankings. You’d think a person whose client became a national news story for getting owned on television by the dumbest man alive would have better things to do than correct music websites over typos, but no. Say hi to Lil Jhonn for us!
Applebee’s, what the fuck? What the fuuuuuck. This is a goddamn abomination. We will never eat at one of your locations again unless of course you provide us with complimentary gift cards at which point we will order some combo fajitas and could you tell them we need extra tortillas thank you.
We ran an interview with Tony Hawk about his video game soundtracks this week and, ignoring the fact that he said he didn't like the Ramones, the man is just a goddamn national treasure. We spent a good 45 minutes looking through Getty Images of him and each photo of his smiling skate-dad face is like a little gift from heaven. The Presidential Medal of Freedom would not even be worthy of the Birdman.
Frank Ocean goes up this week for unlocking his Instagram.
This Florida Woman Who Stole a Lobster from Red Lobster
While we’re on the subject of sea-dwelling filth creatures, shout outs to this Florida woman (of course) who got drunk as shit at Red Lobster and tried to pull a lobster out of the tank. Not as bold as last week’s Florida man (of course) who tripped baaaalls and jumped into an alligator pit, but she’s working up to it and we see her and respect her process.
Normally, we have a pretty firm anti-rat policy here at Noisey, but this particular rat is an inspiration to everyone: Don't take no shit offa nobody! Someone put the Rocky theme song on top of this.
Japan’s Minister in Charge of Cybersecurity
Whomst among us has not stretched the truth on a resumé? “Proficient in Microsoft Word?” What the fuck does that even mean, anyway? That you know all the letters? But goddamn, the resumé fibbers of the world should tip their hats in respect to Yoshitaka Sakurada, who got to the highest position in Japan's cybersecurity division without ever using a computer. "I give instructions to my aide and so I don't punch into a computer myself," he said. PUNCH INTO A COMPUTER. Holy hell. Yeah, go ahead and say that you're fluent in French on your resumé. Nothing matters anymore.
Earlier this year, we put together a ranking of every Mariah Carey album and every Jim Carrey movie (not sure why) and stuck her 2001 album Glitter at dead last (yes, even over Mr. Popper’s Penguins). But the Lambily (that’s what Mariah’s fanbase calls themselves for some reason) had the last laugh. After tweeting the hashtag #JusticeForGlitter for weeks, the Mariah diehards got the album up to number one on iTunes, 17 years later. So we guess we lost this one. But then again, they had to listen to Glitter, so they break even.
Sally is the first face people see when they walk into our office. She goes up, always. Follow her on Instagram and pay her to make videos like this for you.