Move over, T-Rex—here comes Confederate flag erotica. Occupying a previously untapped intersection between racist symbols, marriage equality, and right-wing conspiracy is A Confederate Flag Turned Me Gay, a new 20-page e-book.
It all starts with a warm memory of the unnamed narrator sticking his penis into a glory hole adorned by the Stars and Bars in the bathroom of his local gym. Flash-forward to present time and our protagonist is the webmaster of Sexy Rebel Hoes, a site that has the tagline: "Babes So Hot They'll Make the South Rise Again." Though his online fame means he's something of a ladies' man—our narrator tells us about countless women "riding on [his] big throbbing cock and screaming the name of Robert E. Lee while saluting the good old Stars and Bars," none of them have given him the kind of orgasm he found back at the Confederate Glory Hole. That is, until he's paid a visit by a mysterious (and well-hung) Leo Dick.
Written under the pen name LeRoy Ned Malone, and dedicated to "all the horrible bigots in the world," A Confederate Flag Turned Me Gay features gems like this:
Honestly, I wanted him to leave so Busty Betsy could flip me over and give me a proper fucking, but as an entrepreneur, I had to be willing to listen to new ways to make money. Besides, there was something pretty damn exciting about hearing a sales pitch while getting my butthole sanitized.
For the next ten minutes, I pummeled him like a jackhammer while he shouted the name of General Robert E. Lee. As much as I knew it must've made the great leader spit in his grave, it made me hornier than ever before.
Want some more in-depth stories about the Confederate flag?
1. Smiling Faces, Terrible Racists: The Dangerous Culture of White Possession in the Carolinas 2. Portland's Sons of the Confederacy Are Fighting for the Soul of the Confederacy in the Pacific Northwest 3. Why Some People Think Dylann Roof is Getting Special Treatment 4. What Racists Think of the Charleston Shooting
A Confederate Flag Turned Me Gay by LeRoy Ned Malone is available on Amazon for 99 cents.