The 10 Filthiest Dance Records Ever

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The 10 Filthiest Dance Records Ever

When big dicks meet big beats.

A while back now, we presented you with the definitive list of dance music's least sexy missteps. It took in gabber, EDM and Moose T. After we finished writing it, we spent six months with barely any libido at all. Luckily, reader, that's over now, and like a bad Austin Power's impression, we've found our mojo baby. This turnaround is down to ten records. Dance music's rudest, most lascivious, flat out filthiest moments, all which are guaranteed to have you sweaty uncontrollably (and inconveniently) from start to finish. And if you can't take notes on filthiness from two, gawky, pallid, slightly uncomfortable music writers, then who can you turn to?

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What we've got for you is a blend of the sublime and the ridiculous. There are wails and whispers, crudities and subtleties, bangs and works. Why not DM that special person in your life, get a Dr Oetker or two in, chill some fruity cider, spread out a blanket and get these tunes on. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Maurice Joshua - I Gotta Big Dick

Sexy filth doesn't have to be clever, and never has this been more true than of the vocal sample bubbling through this acidic Maurice Joshua track. As the title suggests, the sample simply repeats "I gotta big dick". Over and over again. Now, a psycho-analytical stance on this cut would probably suggest that the vocalist performing the refrain has developed a phallic shaped inferiority complex, and is using acid house as a vain, egomaniacal platform to stave denial around his own self-esteem via public declaration, while simultaneously feeding his clear desire for attention and/or approval from potential sexual partners. That, or he really has got a big old dick.

A Black Girl Named Sally - Say You Love Me

Hands down, the sexiest record ever, ever pressed to wax. We don't know much about Sally other than the fact that this seductive, sutry, slinky little number is a deep house masterpiece. It's a record about female desire, feminine control, and reasserting dominance in sexual power relationships. Which makes it sound like the kind of thing writers love discussing but actually sounds like shit when you hear it out. Happily, Sally's clarion call is as good as it gets. There's orgasmic whimpers, a pulverising low-end thump and thud, Baikal-deep pads and a vocal you'll never, ever get tired off. All together now, "your wish is my command/your wish is my command/your wish is my command/l-l-l-let me take you to ecstasy…" Subtlety is sexy, yeah? Quietly, but effectively, filthy. It's the discreet Sunday morning fuckfest of dance music, except there's less toast-crumbs and Tim Lovejoy.

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DJ Flint - Denial #69 (DJ Milton Remix)

No list that purports to filthiness would be complete without a raucous, wild, rude, lewd, and crude slice of Dance Mania magic. Arguably the rudest record label ever — and, let's be honest, one of the best — Dance Mania specialized in hypersexual, hyper-frank ghettotech, booty bass, and all manner of stiff, jerking, heaving club-ready mechanisms. DJ Flint's original, and the superior remix, share the same conceit: a female narrator who demands reciprocal oral sex. She's got a point because, as porn, and maybe. if we're lucky real life, has taught us, it's always better when everyone's involved. It's a singalong classic ("TRICK DON'T WASTE MY TIME/IF YOU DO NOT 69/COS I WILL NOT SUCK THE D/IF YOU DO NOT LICKTHE P") and played at just the right time, it'll set the club OFF. Best not to play it if your mum's come down the community centre for moral support at your first club night.

DJ Assault - Dick by the Pound

Alongside Dance Mania, the other big omission from this list would have been DJ Assault. It was hard to pick between "Ass n Titties", "Nut In Your Eye" and this charming number, but in the end, we were sold on the playful male/female interaction on this stone cold classic. It's a simple story, told simply: man boasts about his big dick, girl boasts about her vagina, and everyone leaves smiling. The joy of these record stems from how badly explicit it is. This is a world where metaphor doesn't exist, a completely level sexual playing field. His dick is "kinda thick", her "pussy is so hairy", she's going to "make your dick cum all night" and he's going to "make you come like a motherfucker" — isn't that lovely? Harmony, at last!

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Jam & Spoon - My First Fantastic FF

Years ago now, we got the Optimo curated best of R&S record for Christmas. It was a gamechanger — these huge, thunderous, clanking, deep, dark, defiantly druggy, churning, raw, acid-corroded blasts from a techno furnace were a perfect introduction to earlyish techno's primal pleasures. Our naivety led us, momentarily, to confuse Jam & Spoon with Silver Spoon of "Sex on the Beach" fame, which made this record even more terrifying. The "FF" of the title stands, coqeuttishly for "fist fuck" which gives you an indication of the territory we're in with this one. This is the Berghain experience — the enveloping darkness, the dungeons, the whips and chains, the leather and amyl nitrate — before Berghain. It's incredibly exhilarating and oddly arousing. If the Black Girl Named Sally track above is a sun-dappled Sunday shag, this is a heaving, heavy, brutal fuck — it's a record that should come with a safe word.

Lil Louis - French Kiss

Now, yeah. you're right, last year we did call this one of the least sexy records ever. We were wrong and we can admit that now. See, last year, we only knew the record as the 12" we played at home once and had to hide for fear that our mum would bolt up the stairs, snap it in two, and pack us off to a convent, or whatever the male equivalent is. A monastery. That's it. This year, though, we're feeling more adult, we're grown and sexy and we heard Lil Louis play this out to a field full of attractive Parisians and everything changed. Fuck you, mum. Pure filth that, weirdly, your parents have probably shagged to.

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DJ Funk - Pussy Ride

Some Chicago hip-house-ghetto-tech here, with a spinning beat about as hard and fast as the proposed activities at the centre of vocals. "Don't you wanna pussy ride?" isn't a question we've personally ever been asked, but there is no denying it makes a deliciously filthy hook. We were a bit hard-pressed when it came to picking a DJ Funk track for this list — "Da Booty Perk-U-Later" deserves a shout — but when it came down to it, no other track made us blush quite as much as this one. And it's only 1 minute 56 seconds long! Sorry about that, we're not usually that quick.

Loose Joints - Is It All Over My Face

Tell us if we're over-thinking things, but "is it all over my face? You caught me love dancing" is a bit suggestive right? Just a bit. Like maybe the "it" might be…y'know. And maybe the "love dancing" actually means…y'know. Arthur Russell, who wrote and produced this slice of low-lit dirty disco described it as a "hymn to cruising". With that in mind, we're sticking with the original, male-vocal version, to preserve its original steamy status as an anthem for gay males in New York, before the Larry Levan edit switched the vocalist for a female, and the track became (in the words of one of Russell's collaborators) "a boring straight narrative…when it should have been a gay anthem."

DJ Rashad - Freakin Me on the Flo

"Freakin me on the flo" is one of those innuendo-laden phrases that definitely sounds like something dirty — we're just not 100% sure what. The line is lifted from a Mike Jones ft. Hurricane Chris' "Drop & Gimme 50", which is slightly less vague in its intentions, featuring lines like "Now put yo right hand in the air, put the left one in yo underwear, now tickle dat cat, tickle dat cat". Yet in Rashad's hands, underscored by a moody, blooming synth, the the whole thing oozes a slightly more subtle sauce.

Moodymann - Freeki Mutha F cker

The filthiness is too real on this track. We can only assume the vocals were literally recorded in bed during some breathy, post-coital pillow talk. Something about the volume of the speech, the sleepy, sultry tone with which it's said, plus that gently pulsing bass-line — this one is almost uncomfortably sexy. Particularly considering I'm sitting with headphones in at a shared desk trying to concentrate on a pasta salad as I write this.

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