We just found out Zac Efron and that pretty lady from the music video for 2K13 summer smash rape anthem "Blurred Lines" (her name is Emily Ratajkowki) are co-starring in an EDM-themed romantic drama titled We Are Your Friends. That's not actually the punchline.
While our initial reaction to a movie named after the once-great, then-overplayed, now-classic Justice vs. Simian tune was stomach churning, we've since let the news sink in and decided this might be the best major motion picture about music since Spinal Tap.
There's no hope for a DJ movie starring America's favorite pretty boy from High School Musical and an it-girl model. It's destined to be cheesier than an EDM-themed sweet sixteen. But why fight it? We Are Your Friends should embrace the cheese whole-heartedly and capture as many dance music clichés as cinematically possible. Here's a list of stuff we're praying makes the cut.
Love Interest Named Molly
The whole premise of this movie is that Zac Efron is a young DJ on the rise who's lucky enough to be mentored by a veteran of the scene. The plot thickens when they both fall for the same beautiful girl. If this bitch's name isn't Molly, then the writers just aren't trying hard enough.
Dubstep vs "Real Dubstep"
Picture the scene. Two or three dudes standing around in a corner arguing vehemently. Just before our stars enter the room, we hear their conversation. It's the age-old battle of an aging UK dubhead vs the American brostepper. They each know what "real" dubstep is, and whatever you're listening to is just crap.
DJs in Leather Jackets
Pretty sure this is the only union-approved uniform DJs are allowed to wear.
If you're going to make an EDM movie, you better get some high-profile cameos. In Hollywood terms, this is EDM's big break, and we think they should go all out. Put a DJ in every scene. Get at Tiësto, Diplo, Skrillex, Guetta, Hardwell, Krewella, Borgore, Avicii, anyone who's ever had their face featured on a Fathead. And then make them play janitors or cab drivers or waitresses or Person Walking Down Street No. 2. This is gold, people.
Hidden Mau5 Heads
You know how Disney puts hidden Mickeys all over their cartoons and theme park rides? The director should sprinkle some hidden Deadmau5 heads around the sets. Definitely put someone in the crowd in a DIY Deadmau5 helmet. Because really, when was the last time you went to a festival and didn't see at least three?
It's not a rave until you almost step on a pile of fuzzy-booted freaks all huddled together on the floor in one mass of sweaty bodies, giving each other massages and drooling over someone's mediocre gloving technique. We better see some besties assuming the position.
If the scene where Efron falls in love with Ratajkowki isn't one where she teaches him how to do the PLUR handshake, we don't even want to see this movie. Or live.
"No Requests Allowed"
Everyone knows there's no requesting the DJ, yet unbelievably, some asshole is always going try. There should totally be a bit where someone demands to hear "Animals" and the DJ points the boozer to a clearly-posted sign. And then we hear "Animals" anyway. Because who doesn't like "Animals?"
We heard a rumor that LA-based producer Them Jeans is teaching Efron how to DJ. We appreciate the project's dedication to authenticity, but we also know blogs love to point out when DJs forget to plug in.
Fucking Flyer Teams
Question. Why is it that every time I'm walking down the street, somebody wants to stop me just to give me a flyer? I have internet access, don't I? If this doesn't go down every time these guys leave the club, then We Are Your Friends just isn't telling the whole story. And there better be an extra sticky one under the driver-side windshield wiper. Funk dat.
More movie tings:
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Kat Bein has a Zac Efron pillow. No joke - @KatSaysKill