Let's Stop Freaking Out About Animal Oracles

I’m a big fan of sports and weird bets; I also happen to be a big fan of animals, in case you hadn’t guessed. So a few years ago when all these so-called animal oracles started popping up — started by Paul the Octopus who predicted that Germany would win the 2010 World Cup — I was pretty amused. I mean, who doesn’t want to throw down some cash based off the random whims of some psychic cat?

Probably because there are a few too many folks like myself, the trend has persisted. Speigel Online has been tracking 10 — count ‘em, TEN — animal oracles during this year’s Euro Cup, and four of them have been perfect, including otter pair Ferret and Mörmel, and Nelly the elephant. At this point, with scads of animals being deemed chosen ones and obsessed over by bored degenerate gamblers, the whole thing feels like it’s jumped the shark. (I wonder if said shark knew it was coming.)

But, as the animal fad has grown to stupid proportions, Germany’s animal protection agency has jumped into the fray to criticize treating regular old animals like they’re some sort of fortune-telling circus clown.

“It’s too much, almost every dog and pig in the country being made into the next oracle,” Marius Tünte, speaking for Germany’s Animal Protection Agency, told Spiegel. “They are trying to use the spectacle to achieve fame.”

First, let’s just acknowledge how serendipitously even-handed it is — or taunting, if you prefer to see it that way — that Spiegel would report criticism on animal oracles while posting an infographic highlighting their ten-strong oracle team’s wins and losses right next to the story. Forget the fact that the animals are being unwittingly co-opted for fame, that type of record keeping (and public shaming for the bad pickers) is the real abuse!

The APA is angry that people are indeed trying to score fame by hyping their random animals’ handicapping abilities, and does indeed compare them to poorly-treated circus animals. Now, most of the picking seems to involve feeding — e.g. a lamb is offered two bowls of oats, with a team’s flag on each, and the one she eats out of her pick — which at the very least suggests that the oracles aren’t malnourished.

The APA takes particular issue with a python named Ado, who has apparently been choosing its picks by eating one of two mice presented to it. Sure, that’s kinda gruesome, but it’s also how a python eats, and based on that alone I’d call it about as much mistreatment as any snake being filmed eating for Animal Planet. But, considering the types of horrors you see on the children’s beauty pageant circuit, who knows what torture the poor animals have gone through to get ready for the limelight.

On the other hand, there’s the case of Yvonne the cow, who escaped her pen in Bavaria, gained fame as an oracle, and as such has been picking teams on the run while avoiding her own slaughter for nearly 100 days now. Sure, it’s hilariously macabre, but has fame really been so bad for the old gal?

Now, I understand that the APA couldn’t respect itself as an animal rights organization if they didn’t speak up when a bunch of unwitting beasts are being turned into Miss Cleo. At the same time, I think that anyone concerned with what an animal has to say about a soccer game — or, more precisely, the colors of various countries’ flags place on its feed bowl — already has lost all respect for himself. Why should the APA jump into the fray? Can’t we all just led this goofball IRL meme thing just fade away?

Follow Derek Mead on Twitter: @derektmead.

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