Entertainment

Welcome This $300 Krampus Long Furby Into Your Home to Ruin Christmas

Don't even bother typing "best holiday presents" into Google. This is all you need.
Bettina Makalintal
Brooklyn, United States
December 12, 2019, 12:00pm
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Screenshot via eBay

God! Your family is so hard to shop for! You've already gotten your dad at least five sets of whiskey stones that he's never used, and your mom will really hate it if you get another cutesy mug to clutter her cupboards (though she'll smile and say, "oh honey, it's beautiful" anyway). As for your adolescent siblings… well, that explainer about what to gift a cool TikTok teen was definitely written by an out-of-touch millennial, so good luck there.

Get them something predictable and you risk disappointment or boredom. But get them something that they'd never in one million years—never in their most intense fever dream of the 90s—see coming, and at least you'll have something to talk about once you've burned through explaining the concept of a podcast for, like, the -nth time!!!

Get them the gift that will keep giving once you've returned to the blessed freedom of your own home. Get them the toy that will track them from every corner of your childhood house with red plastic eyes like the most haunting version of Toy Story imaginable. What I'm saying is: Get them the Krampus-themed long Furby—a custom, one-of-a-kind creation that's turned your favorite 90s toy into "Santa's bad apple half" per its description on eBay, where you can buy it now for the low price of $299 plus shipping.

Made by Minnesota-based sculptor and artist Sunny Biss, Krampus Furby is the gift for any occult lover with a knack for vintage toys, anyone who loved 2015's Adam Scott-starring Krampus more than it deserved, and anyone whose families could use a little gift-giving shake-up. Krampus Furby speaks to many souls, as well as, perhaps, those without souls. Fuck Santa: Krampus Furby is here to haunt us all.

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Photo courtesy Sunny Biss

While the standard Furby could once talk, the caption says, the heavy and expensive modifications made to this original Furby body have rendered him speechless. That doesn't mean that Krampus Furby has nothing to say: Krampus Furby is a statement in itself. Decked out with new black fur, horns, ears, and custom glass eyes, Furby is merely the head on a much longer, tattooed, four-legged body. Just like the eerie demon of European holiday folklore, he hath the arms and hands of a man but the hooved lower half of a goat. With no detail left untouched, Krampus Furby also has black nails, a gothic "KRAMPUS" chest piece, and "articulated armature" that means he can be posed into a saucy split or with his hands curled into creepy claws, all the better to grab you with.

"Krampus has always been one of my favorite folklore beasts. He's one of the most wickedly scary children's tales and it has to do with Christmas of all things. After hearing that tale as a child, all one can think is 'Holy crap, was I good enough this year?'" said Biss—who specializes in polymer clay hand-sculpted fairies, and spent a few years as a reborn baby artist—in an email to VICE. "My favorite thing about the Krampus Furby is once he was complete, I stood back and relished in the humor of just how silly the Furby can be sewn inside of what is supposed to be [a] demon creature."

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Photo courtesy Sunny Biss

In 1998, Tiger Electronics released the plush electronic toy known as the Furby, whose ability to talk and blink sent parents into a Christmas shopping frenzy so intense that the toys were reportedly resold on the black market for three times their label price. By the late 2010s, the Furby kids had grown up and so had their Furbys, having been artfully modded into the now-infamous leggy boys known as the "long Furby." Across the Weird Internet, long Furbys have picked up quite the following; Biss' work comes out of that slightly cursed new school of Furby ownership.

Initially drawn to the long Furby because of its "'WTF' moment," Biss said that now, "I guess my movement is a 'Long Art Furby' movement. I want to really take time on each one. I like to put thought on themes. I want people to be able to look at mine and know I made that crazy Furb."

Krampus Furby joins Biss' impressive long Furby collection, which has included, at various points, a Ouija-themed long Furby; a fluffy pink long Furby named "Impartial Irene"; a hypebeast-worthy Gucci-themed long Furby called "Fucci"; and Fucci's slightly less long Furby brother, "Fuccini."

There is a long Furby for every mood, and while we do love them all, Krampus will surely be the most daring choice this holiday season.

If you act fast, the Krampus Furby can still make it home in time for Christmas to haunt your loved ones and home for as long as you'll let it. Now, tell that to your dirtbag brother who "can't" come home this year; Krampus Furby can have him.