Rain Delays, Upper-Deck Blasts, and Eric Stonestreet: A GIF-Filled Home Run Derby Recap

The Home Run Derby is one of those events that's usually better in theory than in practice. Like a lot of skills competitions in sports, it's often a letdown. For every performance like Josh Hamilton in 2008—where he hit so many homers Rick Reilly actually said, "It's a bad night to be an atheist!"—there are plenty of long, boring stretches where players hit a handful of homers and no ESPN announcers say anything stupid. Hamilton didn't even win the Derby in 2008!

MLB gets this, though. This year's Home Run Derby featured a new format—two more sluggers, three fewer outs in a round. Three from each league advanced out of the first round, with the top slugger in the NL and AL getting a bye to the semifinals. A regular bracket was to follow. Everyone seemed pretty psyched for the start of the Derby.

Then there was an hour-long rain delay.

The delay allowed the masses on Twitter and other social media sites to spend their time engaging in baseball fans' favorite home run derby pastime: making fun of Chris Berman. In the last 20 years, the longtime ESPN announcer has gone from Cool Older ESPN Guy with the Nicknames to Dated Example of All That Is Wrong with Unhip TV Sports Coverage. And why not? The derby actually opened with a video taking us through Berman's favorite home run derbies. It actually ended with, "Everybody gets to be a kid again on Derby night. That's why we love it!" It almost made you pine for some commentary on atheists.

But the rain delay did do some good. It allowed us to check out the cutest part of the All-Star Game, players goofing around with their cute little kids! Matt Wieters and his son win for "most adorable."

Finally, we got close. "Let's get this Home Run Derby started. The rain delay is all but over," Karl Ravetch said. "Let's keep our fingers crossed." It was not a good omen. Then ESPN showed the Berman HR derby video again.

Finally, it was time for the derby to start. And it started with a bang!

Wait, no. Actually, that's The Rock, in a commercial for his new Hercules movie, Hercules (out July 25!). The Gillette Home Run Derby is a vehicle to sell us shit, everything from movies to beer to cars to razors. Fortunately, Berman even stumbled on a promo at one point: "The other thing we need to know…"—unbelievably awkward pause—"…is…"—another long pause""…the seventh ball is the Gillette Orange Flex Ball™." It was a promotion. (Okay, and an extra $2,500 from every homer hit on the Gillette Orange Flex Ball™ went to charity.)

Other than The Rock, Todd Frazier went first. His brother pitched to him. After making four outs without hitting a homer, Frazier finally hit the first one of the evening, about an hour after it should've happened.

"Out goes Frazier," Berman said, predictably. It was worth the wait. He hit two. You figured he was done.

Brian Dozier's brother also threw for him. Dozier hit two, but his fan happiness-to-homer ratio was off the charts.

Troy Tulowitzki hit four homers, but his last one was the first Orange Flex Ball™home run of the night! It also went just down the line, and in the regular season may have necessitated replay.

Jose Bautista followed, and he put on a show. He hit so many homers he didn't even bother to finish. He simply walked away with six outs on his 10th homer. How selfish of him to not hit any more homers on the ball worth $2,500 more for charity! Fans were less satisfied with at least one of his blasts, but it was through no fault of Joey Bats.

The guy everyone was waiting to see, Yasiel Puig, came up next. He had Robinson Cano's father, Jose, pitching to him. And…

He didn't hit any. But at least he drilled that one foul!

Then Giancarlo Stanton came up and put on the best show of any NL batter. He hit this one to the third deck!

And players reacted as you probably did.

Adam Jones hit four homers in the first round.

Incredibly, one of his homers even went to a fan who had already caught one before.

Josh Donaldson followed and hit three. Following Dondaldson was Yoenis Cespedes, who actually hit the foul pole for one of his three homers.

The two had a swing-off where each batter got three swings. Cespedes won it 2-1, with a pair of upper-deck blasts.

Justin Morneau, who used to play in Minnesota, got a standing ovation from the Minneapolis crowd.

It got him into a swingoff tiebreaker with Frazier—whose two homers were enough to keep him in contention, thanks Yasiel! The ex-Twin was eliminated.

At this point in the evening, Chris Berman was running out of Minnesota suburbs to reference and it seemed like the Home Run Derby wasn't very short at all. We still had three more rounds to go! And ESPN's Pedro Gomez was appearing in promotional spots for Stand Up 2 Cancer with Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family.

Fortunately, we were able to make it the rest of the way without much interruption.

Bautista (AL) and Stanton (NL) got byes into the semifinals. In the second round, Frazier turned it on. He hit 6 to Tulowitzki's 2. His brother was in awe.

The other quarterfinal was similarly not close: Cespedes hit 9 to Adam Jones' 3.

It finally seemed like Todd Frazier's luck had run out in the NL final. He hit just one homer. It seemed his run was over. But…

Stanton hit zero, and suddenly a guy who hit just 2 homers in the first round was in the finals. "Maybe it's destiny," John Kruk helpfully noted. If fate were going to interfere in a sporting event, clearly it would be the 2014 Gillette Home Run Derby.

Hunter Pence was fucking stoked.

Meanwhile, in the AL final, Cespedes hit another 7 homers. Jose Bautista — who hadn't swung in the contest for almost two hours — hit just four, and Cespedes was into the finals. The people in tie dye were happy.

In the finals, it was all Cuban, all the time. Cespedes absolutely destroyed it, hitting 9 home runs. Frazier hit 1 to easily repeat as champion of the event. Yes, he only hit 3 in the first round. But rules are rules. Cespedes broke out a WWE Championship belt for the occasion.

The ultimate baller move is to bring your own championship belt when you're receiving another trophy. Well done, Cespedes. You made the four-hour home run derby worth it.