Being A Basic Door Bitch

There are a lot of jobs for people in their twenties to do. Working in a cafe, a clothing store, your parents' dry goods depot. Or you can be a door bitch.Door bitching isn't the most elegant of roles, but it has its upsides. Every twenty-something thinks they're the coolest motherfucker ever because they know the door bitch or a promoter for some shit club called "Studio" or ironically "Tramp Stamp".  Here's a personal guide to the uppers and downers of being a door babe.

GETTING FUCKED UP

Unlike most roles in hospitality, it doesn't say anywhere in the rulebook that a door bitch needs to be sober to do the job. I'm not saying you can get so fucked up that you're handing back people 50s when they should be 10s, but doing a line or a shot with a customer isn't out of the question. You're there to party, and if it's going to boost your mate Johnno's spirits by smashing back a Jameson and doing a bump MDMA in a show of solidarity, so be it.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE PARTYING AND YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE DOORING

Sure it's going to make your best homegirl or homeboy's night when you get them to the front of the line, slap them a couple of drinks cards and send them on their way to see "DJ Boring" for free, but for the door bitch this really fucking sucks. It's like being the designated driver whilst all your friends are cutting loose and enjoying their weekend break. You're stuck behind some booth whilst "Miss Pissed a lot " is telling you about her job as so and so's assistant, and how she thinks it's going to lead to "bigger and better things". Sure you're being social, but at the end of the day, they're out and you're working.

PICKING UP

Let's be honest most door folk are hired on looks. It doesn't take a genius to pick someone with good fashion sense or a good ass to come into a club. Hey, bouncers do it all the time, and one actually asked me once "Is Tasmania a country?"
For this reason, a lot of people are going to hit on you and they come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it's a forty-year-old woman out for her daughter's Hens night. Hubby Steve left the scene a long time ago and you're the perfect mix of young and absolute asshole she needs to fill the void between a 9 to 5 grind and Tim Tam's on the couch. Other times it's the girl who's had a bit too much to drink and worked up the confidence to try a pash.  "Don't You Think I'm Pretty?"
Then there's the Golden Day, the person you can actually see yourself with. You're flirting up a storm, covering them in drink cards and you can actually imagine taking them home to meet the folks. Of course, reality sinks in and whilst you've been chatting for 2 hours, it's still only 2.00AM and you don't finish work till 6.00AM. "Can we meet up later?…"

MEETING CELEBS

One plus of being a door bitch is you can sometimes meet celebrities that you actually like. And since it's universally recognised that being a door bitch sucks ass, they're usually pretty nice. And considering you're the first point of contact, you sometimes even end of partying with them. I'm not saying you're going to be best pals and they probably won't remember you the next day but it's a story for the ages you can tell your friends, and everyone will think you're super cool till they've heard it for the millionth fucking time, but usually by then you've met someone else and you can talk about that for the next couple of months.

CUSTOMERS ARE C*NTSTOMERS

I don't care what anyone says, most people who drink to certain point become fucking rudeboys, and when you're getting paid $20 something an hour to sit there for nine hours, watching the babe of your dreams slip away and your friends get wasted, this is the last fucking thing you need. The simple lesson to learn is that if you're a dude, you're probably not going to make much in the tip department and if you're a girl you might make $50 to $100 a night but you'll be dealing with Sleazy McSleazebag sitting by your desk all night telling you about his new Rolex. Most of the time patrons instantly think that you're a piece of shit because you work door and somehow assume that this is the only thing you do. Door bitches are usually studying and this is just something they do in the spare time because they can do fuck-all and drink piss for free so they can stop thinking about the tower of assignments waiting for them when they get home. So next time you throw your cloak on the counter whilst on your Iphone 6X, think for a second. This is a fucking person you're dealing with, and at the end of the day we're in charge of your fake Louis Vuitton purse. If we don't like you, that faux-leather can go missing real easily.

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