The VICE Guide to Untangling Your Life From Your Ex

Whether you’ve been dating someone for 2 months, 2 years or 10 years, it’s almost impossible for your lives to not start overlapping: Friend groups mingle, partner’s mums become overly invested in your life like you’re one of their own, and you make the big call to flat together because rent is high enough to make a grown man cry. 

And this merging of lives is dope, until shit meets fan and things come to an end. Obviously this isn’t the ideal outcome, but keep in mind that if you’re with someone who hasn’t introduced you to their friends, family or flatmates, you probably have an even bigger issue on your plate. 

So the break-up happens, and the untangling begins. Peeling yourself apart can be a long and sticky process, especially depending on how and why things came to a close. But it can be done. 

Here’s our take on handling it. 

FRIENDS 

You don’t have to be in it that deep for the social circle overlap to start happening.

You might’ve even started off in the same group of friends to begin with. Either way, unravelling your social life from your ex can be a very tricky and sensitive thing. 

You’ll both have people who you’re closer to and who are priorities in your life, but also may have found yourself getting close with someone who your ex knew first. Remember, there’s no #teamedward/teamjacob in real life – people don’t have to choose sides and it's unfair to put that pressure on your friends. 

Ideally, have a chat with your ex about what you’re both comfortable with - and if you’re unable to do that, just put the focus on who you actually want to spend time with. It’s fine for you to hit up your ex’s mate if you developed a genuine friendship. That person can make the decision on their own as to whether they take you up on it. But don’t start banning your friends from interacting with exes and definitely don’t bag on your ex to their own friends. 

If you’re so overcome with the need to explain how awful they were, it’s gonna be in your own best interest to stay out of their life and their social circle anyway. 

In the worst case, you might have to bow out of a group of friends you had become close with. This can be really hard if your partner's friends were your main source of fun for the time you were together – but ultimately it’s one of those things you just have to accept. It doesn’t always happen fast, but life moves on and you’ll find your people.

FAMILY 

Meeting the parents is a big step for a lot of people. And when it goes well and you get close to a partner's parents that bond can actually be a really significant part of your life. Parents can get really attached and it's not totally uncommon for them to stay in contact with people you’ve seriously dated, whether it's just staying friends on Facebook or texting to see how the family dog is, because your parents probably genuinely care about them. Especially if it was an amicable break-up. 

At the risk of sounding repetitive, chatting with your ex about your boundaries is a great place to start if you can. If your parents are staying in touch with an ex who’s really hurt you, it’s good to explain to them why so they know that it’s uncomfortable for you. 

And if you’re close with your ex’s family it’s really the same deal. If your ex tells you they feel weird about you still getting coffee with their mum, then take the L and respect their choice. It might feel like letting go of real family, and that’s just another part of the grief of ending a relationship. 

Even if things stay friendly between you and your ex, you have to accept that their life isn’t yours anymore. “Hello’s” and “how are you’s” are totally fine if you’re bumping into their parents, but seeking out time with someone else’s family doesn’t let you both grow in the way you need to. 

PETS 

If you’re not a big pet-lover or animal person, the sting of losing a pet might not sound that dramatic – but anyone who’s been through it will tell you it’s rough. And having to part with a pet that’s symbolically tied to your life with an ex partner? Nightmarish. 

You have two options: Either co-parent and understand that this is going to logistically be quite consuming and also potentially, emotionally draining (even if you did the breaking up) or make a decision and hand the pup over.

It starts with conversation though. Maybe they're willing to let you take on the responsibility all to yourself. Maybe they never liked your shared hypo-allergenic hairless cat to start with. 

Think about what’s best for the cat/dog/rat/bat/frog or rare blue-tongued lizard, and who can really offer your once-shared fur or scale baby the safety and attention it needs. 

FLATTING

Given Aotearoa's housing climate, living with your S/O has become more and more appealing for a lot of young people. Why would you both pay rent at separate flats if you’re spending every night together anyway? The cost of living is a common conundrum that drives this choice, along with, you know, love and stuff. 

This is a predicament that doesn’t come with quite the same amount of flexibility as some of the other tangled threads. Staying in the same flat, let alone the same room, isn’t really an option – if you’re in a good place, you can chat through whether one person wants to take over the room on their own. Otherwise you’ll need to sort out new tenants ASAP, a responsibility that’s made easiest if you’re both making the effort to sort someone out. 

If, on the flipside, you’ve been screwed over by someone leaving you high and dry with rent to pay, then have a look at your lease and double check if your names are both on there. If your ex is on the lease too then it’s not your responsibility to make up the rent if they’ve bounced. Contact your landlord or agent and let them know that the person has left unexpectedly – it’s their job from there out to track them, and their rent payments, down.

Even if they’re not on the lease and you are, getting ahead of the situation by notifying the owner of the property and explaining what’s happened gives you some leeway and peace of mind. 

Property law is a murky puddle, but a lot of the time you’ll find tenants have less of a responsibility for solving these sorts of problems than you think. And remember you can always contact the NZ Tenancy Tribunal for advice. 

MONEY 

Merging money isn't that common unless you’re in a pretty serious situation, but people do it – and people in long term, serious relationships aren't immune to a break-up. You might have a joint account, or even a joint mortgage. And to be frank… don’t take our advice. That’s what financial planners / bankers / people with degrees in this shit are for.

Talk to an arbitrator, or the Citizens Advice Bureau, and get your legal information right. Even if you really trust your ex and are trying to do things right, It’s not worth trying to navigate financial ties on your own merit and ending up with the short straw. 

The real trick is to use a lawyer in the first place to draw up an agreement and avoid the trouble of undoing your mistakes after they’ve been made.

Untangling your life from you ex’s is no easy task – it takes plenty of packing boxes, awkward “hello’s” with maybe-friends and the big, hard yarns – but it’s the only way you can move forward. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.