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Identity

The Broadly Guide to Shopping

Think you already know everything there is to shopping? Big mistake. Big. Huge.
October 21, 2015, 4:10pm
Screenshot via Pretty Woman

Acne

The Swedish clothing label Acne is so chic, it made the word "acne" chic. Think about that for a sec. Now for those of you who wore acne on your face/body unintentionally during your teen years, I advise you to reclaim power of the word by trying on some fabulous pistol boots! One flirty saunter down the hallway and you'll forget all about the traumatic skin disorder that ruined your life.

Blackouts

Blackouts are an unfortunate side effect of shopping till you drop. It's scientifically proven (somewhere) that if you spend enough time in a clothing store, you'll start entering a fugue state and begin to buy insane crap like a sleeveless turtleneck and a novelty t-shirt that says "99% angel."

Conspicuous consumption

Conspicuous consumption is a fancy term coined by some Norwegian guy and it basically explains the reason why you bought $40 hand soap at Aesop.

Dick

Getting that dick is a major motivating factor behind shopping. We buy clothes that flatter our body so hot people will want to have sex with us! Duh.

Everything

We want to buy everything all the time because we live in America.

Fat

Shopping makes everyone feel fat. I lost thirty pounds just so I could wear APC but the joke's on me because I still can't fit into it. Unfortunately, certain clothing labels are only meant to fit tiny people named Kip and Margot.

Gallery Girls

Never forget the seminal reality show Gallery Girls on Bravo, which featured three millennial meltdowns as they navigated opening a clothing store called End Of Century that sold quirky bangles, cloaks, and possibly Adderall.

Hats

Don't buy a hat, unless you want to end up looking like Justin Bobby from The Hills.

Inspiration

Inspiration purchases are things we buy in the hopes that it they'll motivate us to get into better shape. (Spoiler: it never works, and you just end up with a closet full of items that don't fit.)

Jeans

Finding the perfect pair of jeans is a lifelong journey and struggle, and if you are fortunate to stumble upon some Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit, buy 10,000 pairs immediately.

Kelly Wearstler

A designer that caters to rich starving moms.

Lululemon

More rich starving moms.

Manson girls

Yes, they were murderers, but they also wore amazing clothes!!! Next time you go shopping, seek out outfits that feel very "dressed to kill."

No

What a good friend tells you when you walk out of the dressing room wearing something hideous.

Olivia

Olivia is the name of every cold and aloof salesperson. Haven't you seen Pretty Woman? We've all felt a little bit like Julia Roberts, even when we didn't actually have money to spend there.

Personal shopper

This is a real thing that exists.

Questions

You should always ask questions when you shop. Like, "Does it shrink in the wash? Will these shoes kill me after two blocks?" or "Be honest: would you fuck the living shit out of me in this tunic?"

Rugs

Rugs weirdly cost a lot of money. Like a lot a lot. Whenever I see someone with a rug in their home, I assume they're a millionaire trying on a middle class costume.

Sex

Shopping is like sex but more expensive (unless you're in Vegas). When you have an urge to spend money, it feels exactly like being horny. You go trolling for ass at the mall (ass, in this analogy, could be the perfect strappy sandal). Then, when you find the most desirable thing and buy it, it feels like a release, like you just came all over somebody's face. Once the euphoria fades, you are usually overwhelmed with feelings of profound emptiness and regret, which, as we all know, also happens frequently after having sex.

Tom's

Shoes rich people buy to allegedly help poor people.

Unclear

How you should feel about fringe.

Vicodin

A drug that makes shopping more fun.

What?

Something you say when a store tells you they have to go downstairs to look for a size medium.

Xanax

A drug that makes shopping confusing.

YOLO

The justification behind most regrettable purchases.

Zebras

Can you shop for a zebra? They're really cute.