Photo via YouTube
The pairing of the modern security state with our #hotcontent culture has resulted in the birth new type of story.You know the one, it comes from the usage of home security cameras and are always released to the general public with headlines like: “Mysterious Clown Stands Silently for Ten Minutes on Family's Porch” or “OMG. Dog Locks Himself Out and Knocks to get Back In.” I thought we had run the gamut of the stories, from immensely dark, to light, to boring, to interesting, but I was wrong…I was so, so, so wrong. There is no bottom.
Honestly, readers, I just didn’t see a man licking a doorbell for three hours coming. Now, this story is pretty darn straightforward. On New Year's Eve, 33-year-old Roberto Daniel Arroyo took to a home in Salinas, California. The parents were gone at the time but the children were inside. From here Arroyo took to, uh, licking the doorbell and boy howdy did he ever lick. He licked and licked for three hours. That’s kinda it.According to local media, Arroyo spent upwards of three hours licking this doorbell. He took little breaks—like to piss in the backyard—yes, but for the most part, he was licking. The family was lucky enough to have installed a camera near the doorbell which starts recording when there is movement and get a good look at the guy.The Dungans, the family whose doorbell got the brunt of Arroyo’s tongue, took the situation surprisingly well, saying “you kind of laugh about it afterwards because technically he didn’t do anything.” Still though, police are looking for Arroyo who may face charges for prowling and I, for one, have a few questions for our licker.Here’s some reading music:Question 1. Why the doorbell and not the doorknob? Is it because of taste?Now, I need you to go with me here. On a doorbell, unless you’re a fucking freak, you use the tip of your finger to gently press it and back off. It’s not the same process for a doorknob, for on a doorknob you’re getting full palm action. Now, I’m no hand-licking connoisseur but I would assume that the two different body parts depart different tastes. Is that why you like the doorbell, because of the taste? Is the tip of our finger inherently more salty than our palms?
If not is there some other reason? Is it because you like the feeling of using your tongue to press in the little button and hear the faint dinging? It can’t be because you think a doorbell is heavily used—only maniacs use doorbells—so is it the fact it’s not used? Is this your version of sanitary licking?Honestly, this idea just brings more questions like: What are the other household things you like to lick? Do you like to like the spigot that turns on the hose? Is it the shape of it or what it does? Like would one of those garage door opener that is really similar to a doorbell do it for you? Or is it the fact it creates a little ding when you press hard?Please answer. I can be reached at email@example.com at your earliest convenience.Why in the name of all that is holy are you making eye contact with the camera?There is no real way that you could have known about the small hidden camera, so what are you looking at? Because I’ve watched this clip more than I should have and every single time, without fail, I feel you, the creepy licky man, staring deeply into my soul.
I can feel you eyeing me up and down as I had just sat down on one of those porno casting couches. Every lick you make feels like it was for me and only me and I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way. I thought that I understood the saying “the eyes are the windows to the soul” but boy, was I was ever wrong. I don’t even know if I fully understand it now, all I know is we were wrong to turn our back on God.
I suppose since this is just a small snippet of the licking and all the unseen stuff could be him not looking into the camera but still… I can’t help but think, somewhere out there, somewhere deep in the bowels of the internet there is a video of him staring straight into the camera and licking sensually for three hours. Speaking of that, it brings us to our next question.Three hours? THREE HOURS?!?!Fun fact: two days ago my holidays ended and I flew back from western Canada to Toronto. The total time in the air for the flight from Calgary to Toronto—a little over three hours. It’s not the worst flight in the world, but it’s long enough to be annoying and pretty much take over your day. That’s pretty similar to the amount of time this man spent licking this doorbell.If you’re wondering: “Mack, as a man who just recently spent three hours in the middle seat of an Air Canada flight, is three hours an impressively long time to be licking a doorbell?” Well, the answer would be a resounding, yes. Yes, it sure is an impressively long time to be licking a doorbell. Think about watching a hockey game and then just licking the doorbell that entire time. Now, this guy didn’t even have headphones in to listen to some Sam Cooke or Loverboy or whatever to make this experience sexier, he just sits there and licks. In order to do that he must have gone into a meditation and reached zen through his licking.
Is it weird? Yes.Is it a little disturbing? Yes.Is it impressive? Yes.Is this a guerrilla marketing pitch for the next Netflix series and/or some kind of fake news?Look everyone and their cousin has a Netflix deal these days so why shouldn’t the doorbell licker be one of them, huh? He’s been able to get himself some pretty outstanding press on this and why shouldn’t he translate this to something worthwhile? Actually, this honestly feels like it could be a starting point for a middling episode in the newest season of Black Mirror, isn’t it?Why am I still watching this?Do you, my dear reader, know how many times I’ve watched this loop of the man lick this doorbell? I just summed it up and it’s around 35 times so far—it’ll be more by the time I’m done. That’s roughly half an hour of my life dedicated to watching our boy here sensually lick this doorbell. Hell, I could now narrate—Attenborough style—this guy licking the fucking doorbell with my eyes closed now.At the end of the day though, that’s only 1/6th of the time he spent licking so I guess I can’t really bitch, can I?Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.