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The Netherlands Cheese Is Bigger Than Koffee Shops and the Red Light District

The Netherlands have a red light district where you can simultaneously witness the rapid deterioration of a woman’s self-worth AND a man’s complete lack of standards. There's also “koffee shops” that serve endless varieties of ways to get fucked up...
May 29, 2014, 12:57pm

You know what's dope? The Netherlands. They got a red light district where you can simultaneously witness the rapid deterioration of a woman's self-worth AND a man's complete lack of standards and the primal need to behave like an ape all in one shot. Yet what you're really watching is the corral of douchebag one-shot suitors. They also have "koffee shops" that serve endless varieties of ways to get fucked up. They have birthed such territories as New York City/ New Amsterdam, South Africa, and some Virgin Islands. They have pirates AND take-out places where you can get some fried form of fun food for just a Euro or two anytime day or night. The Dutch are some of the most famous people in the world: Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Van Halen, Nicky Romero, and that new chick, Yolanda, on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

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But the thing that trumps everything else is their DANK ASS CHEESE!

Because of the lush, low lying, hyper green lands that make up the Netherlands, coupled with the fact that there is evidence that they have been making cheese there since 200 AD, these Dutch folk got cheese making on lockdown. They are the largest exporter of cheese in the world, (take that Frenchies) with a million varieties of gouda and borenkaas (literal translation: farmhouse cheese) and have been rumored to be the creators ofsuch legends as Limburger and Mimolette. The cattle in this fairytale-like terrain graze on rolling flatlands that are rich with minerals. When still young, the typical Gouda is creamy yet firm, sweet and tangy, almost like a butterscotch caramel sauce. When it's become aged, the amino acids in the milk collect together to create those addictive "crunchy bits"; like biting into pockets of sweet salt in a palette of creamy marble. When super aged, these beasts take on a smoky, savory quality that is comparable to a great scotch or whiskey. And while some of their creations are primarily used as answers to the New York Times crosswords or to keep Kimye from becoming too significant (ahem, Edam), most of the great Dutch cheeses are crafted on family farms that never make it out of this heaven of a country. But because of rampant colonizing, you can find variations of these cheeses at most bodegas throughout the Caribbean. The most industrial of Dutch cheeses are the ones you'll find the world over. Only if you go into the better cheese shops sprinkled throughout the land will you find the true, the original, the breathtaking versions that represent the real craftsmanship of these tall, eloquent creatures.