The Complete Vice Sports Guide To The FIFA President Candidates

It can be difficult to keep up with what's going on in FIFA, even now that the pace of actual international police actions has slowed. What was, for months, a roaring current of hilariously escalating slapstick malfeasance, in which nearly all of the body's top officials were implicated in one way or another, is now more of a steady trickle. Sepp Blatter, after trying to sneak his way into continuing as the organization's top figure, finally appears to be on the way out. This all seems like progress.

And while it is progress, it is also FIFA, which means that the candidates to replace Blatter is a collection of Europudding sketchlords, regional soccer chieftains with actual human rights violations on their dockets, and all-purpose global dodgeballs whose names sound like rejected Ghostface aliases from 1998. It's a lot to keep straight. So much so, in fact, that even Sports Illustrated's estimable Grant Wahl was unable to get all the candidates straight.

FIFA president race: Tokyo Sexwale, Prince Ali, Jerome Champagne, Sheikh Salman, Michel Platini, Gianni Infantino, David Nakhid, Musa Bility

— Grant Wahl (@GrantWahl)October 26, 2015

It is true that all those people are candidates for FIFA's presidency, but they are not the only candidates. Below, we provide the full list of candidates, along with some of their notable attributes. Some are real, some are fake, but each are either 100 percent real or 100 percent fake. May the most amusing criminal win!

Tokyo Sexwale — Former South African political minister; Allegedly plotted to depose the president of an African nation. Was once on a U.S. Terrorist watch list (but has since been removed). Hosted his native country's version of the Bachelor.

Who Is Tokyo Sexwale? [Exclusive Pics.] pic.twitter.com/Q1CWHHvmxV
— Brian Heater (@bheater) October 26, 2015

Prince Ali bin Hussein — Member of FIFA's inner circle and former Vice President of FIFA. Wealthy beyond measure. Has received Jordan's Grand Cordon of the Supreme Order of the Renaissance and King Hussein Medal of Excellence, which is named after his father, King Hussein of Jordan.

Kayden "Haden" al-Assad — Vine Star and Americanized Nephew of Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad; has never actually played soccer, which he has called "extremely poor people shit sorry not sorry." Cited by Pacific Palisades (CA) police for crashing a helicopter into a Baja Fresh in 2012.

Jerome Champagne — A former member of the FIFA hierarchy. Is actually from France's Champagne province, and so is allowed to be referred to as "Jerome Champagne" per D.O.C. laws.

Piers Morgan — Ugh, probably, right?

I want to die.

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)September 2, 2012

Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa — Former President of the Asian Football Association and General Secretary of Youth and Sport in his native Bahrain. He has been accused of "complicity in crimes against humanity" regarding his alleged involvement with a committee that targeted 150 athletes for participating in pro-democracy demonstrations. In short, he tortured some folks.

Jared F. — Won over $3 million playing FanDuel's Daily Fantasy leagues; Probably didn't really win over $3 million playing FanDuel's Daily Fantasy leagues.

Otto von Humdinger IV— Chief Humor Officer, Bayern Munich. Has one cap for the German National Team, in which he made six saves and never once altered his facial expression. Has consulted with Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson on "matters of European history."

Michel Platini — Longtime Blatter associate. Received an unexplained $2 million payment from FIFA for some sort of services rendered. He won't say what they were. Is still quite serious about running for the presidency of a scandal-soaked organization.

Poncey Phipps-Paiste — Chief Ethics Officer, English Premier League. Member of the elite and controversial "Order Of The Knackered Innit" at Eton. Has written multiple columns for The Daily Mail suggesting the re-annexation of India "for a laugh."

Gianni Infantino — UEFA General Secretary. Michel Platini's right-hand man for the past six years. Name may or may not be Italian for "John Toddler."

Gian-Wario Guanciale — Secretary General of the Italian Football Federation. Was President of Italy for nine days in 2013, during which time he attempted to sell the art in Florence's Uffizi on Overstock.com. Admitted that he has given at least 31 Lamborghinis to members of the Qaddafi family in an interview with the Italian news show "Sfortunatamente."

David Nakhid — Former professional player, international captain, and coach. Runs a soccer school. Seems like a nice dude, to be honest.

Mister Snrub — Comes From Someplace Far Away. Personal net worth estimated in the trillions of dollars; has publicly stated that FIFA revenue should be invested in nuclear power.

Musa Bility — Liberian Football Association president. Was actually taken to court by CAF, which shows that maybe he is not corrupt.

Phillip Smith — Played high school soccer in The Woodlands, Texas. Last name is pronounced: secks • wayle

Viil Ter Shrimm — Dutch Minister of Football/The Navy. Longtime soccer official in the Netherlands. Co-host of "Wim and The Shrimm Boat At Lunchtime," a Dutch radio show about soccer and immigrants.