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Sports

St. Louis Cardinals Honor Franchise Icon Red Schoendienst With Hideous Rap Tribute

This is truly awful.
September 30, 2015, 4:21pm

2 has always been our magic number! #LoveRed2 http://t.co/0x77BrDokEhttps://t.co/S3H9b01IMt
— St. Louis Cardinals (@Cardinals) September 29, 2015

Let's talk about the worst things we've ever seen. For many people, the worst thing they've ever seen in the history of their lives probably came years ago. In a different life, when you were hustling in the big city, maybe you saw a guy in a sharp suit spit on a homeless person. Maybe you were on hand during the editing process of the first Sarah McLachlan Sad Dogs That Make You Want To Kill Yourself commercial. Or maybe you were at the opening of literally any film staring James Cagney*. For those of you who experienced those things, and at least three of you exist, I am sorry. But I also envy you because time has passed and you have been able to move on with your lives. For me, the worst thing I've ever seen came at 10:47 this morning.

We had ourselves a little company-wide meeting yesterday so I did not see this video, languishing in our Slack for nearly 20 hours, until David Roth re-alerted me to its existence. "It's extremely danceable," he said. A more sinister Rick-rolling I cannot imagine.

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The video itself is an homage to Albert Fred "Red" Schoendienst, a St. Louis Cardinals institution who has been "in uniform" for 70 years as both a player and a coach. It features a permed, bearded white dude in outrageous white sunglasses and pants from a Lagwagon album performing a takeoff on "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. Red Schoendienst wore, and still wears, No. 2 for the Cardinals. "It takes Red to make a thing go right."

There are original lyrics:

"I wanna say it right here

Red's worn two for 70 years

he played with style

and he played with grace

he knew his way around second base"

"It Takes Two" was released in 1988. White dudes doing goofy raps happened on shows like Saved By The Bell.

Today is September 30, 2015.

I thought about transcribing the whole song, but today is already off to a bad start. I'd have to listen to this thing a dozen or so more times to get them all. Just know: they don't get better, and they almost certainly get worse.

It's very nice, and even sweet, that the Cardinals are honoring a long-tenured employee. He deserves every compliment this doofus gives him via ABAB rhyme scheme. But I think he would have appreciated a wristwatch more. I sure would have.

*I really hate old gangster movies.