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The Lies Issue

Vice Mail

Wait, not that you’re supposed to cry for the Blackfeet. They’re not asking for your sympathy. That was the point of that woman who said it was the Indians who were responsible for the problems of the Indians and the welfare system only made it worse.
February 1, 2006, 12:00am

THE FUTURE OF WRITING

Greetings,

I’ve been a reader of your magazine for many moons. I’ve always wanted to write for your magazine; however, I know I have to start off as a bottom-feeding fact-checker and fail upward. My writings stem from that of a female looking from a feminist/male point of view at open sexuality, relationships, love (or lack thereof), and so forth. I would love to submit some shit for you to check out.

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If this is where I “shout” to get my “voice” heard in your magazine, let me know and I’ll shoot some material over to you to review.

 Later, REIGN
Via email We’re planning a Stupid Boring Wimp Issue soon, so please do carefully talk about possibly sending something along at some point (maybe).

DISABLINGLY FUNNY
Vice, So, my best friend Chris was in an accident in high school and broke his back. He’s been in a wheelchair for like 12 years. A little while ago, we were walking through the mall past this store called the Walking Store and he’s like, “Can we go in there?” The 16-year-old clerk had her back to us and yelled out, “Only if you’re walking!” When she turned around and saw that she’d yelled that at a paraplegic she turned bright red and then purple. She was totally terrified. Anyway, he has a really good sense of humor about that sort of thing. I thought I’d send you a picture of his license plate, which was inspired by the incident. CHARLES WHITESIDE
Via email He should have started crying and sued her for “hurtage to feelers.”

ANOTHER REZ, ANOTHER TOWN
Vice,

Oh man, you guys should have done something about Cherokee, North Carolina, for your Natives Issue. It’s this completely decrepit one-street town on their reservation with all these sad, run-down tourist shops and mini-golf courses and roadhouses and stuff. Once a night they put on this show in a little old amphitheater where they do all their old ceremonial dances for a handful of white tourists. It’s called “Unto These Hills.” I grew up like an hour away from there, so I had to go see it twice on field trips. Even as a little kid it depressed the living shit out of me. Anyways, sorry it didn’t make the cut this time, maybe for the Bummer Issue?

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Your bud, PATRICK WELLSNER
Atlanta, GA THANKS, KEMO SABE
Dear Vice, You guys fucking outdid yourselves with the Natives Issue. It was the sort of thing where, when I first saw it, I was like, “Indians, who cares about that? Oh… point taken.” The only thing that was bugging me was that it never dealt with the Indian population on whole, but halfway through I started really warming to the idea that it was like a totally exhaustive report on just this one little tribe at this precise moment in time. I guess it’s sort of ridiculous to hope that other magazines follow suit with issues all about the Cherokee and Navajo, but still, thanks for rubbing my apathy in my face and giving me the dish on all those crazy Blackfeet. Peace, DAVID BUTLER
Chicago, IL SNACKING FOR PALESTINE
Vice, Here is some kind of chips from Egypt that my professor showed us in class today. It’s Yasser Arafat, and the chips donate to a Palestinian cause. I don’t know what the Arabic writing says. ANDREW FIELDS
Via email GETTIN’ WEEPY ON YOUR MOON
Hey guys, Due to a hormone thingy, I get super emotional (like widowed-train-wreck-survivor-level emotional) at the beginning of my period, which just so happens to coincide with when I always get your new issue (sync!). So, I just picked up your Indians Issue and was reading it in front of the TV and getting this little knot in my throat ’cause everything was so sad and just sort of bittersweet and full of life, you know, and that dog food commercial where they show the dog at all the different stages of his life came on and I completely started weeping. I totally soaked the page I had open. Thanks for making me feel like a retard, CARLY SANFORTH
Brooklyn, NY Try watching the ending of Philadelphia, when they show those videos of him as a kid and the Neil Young song plays, while you’re trying to crash after a 24-hour coke binge. You don’t know from crying till you go through that.
Wait, not that you’re supposed to cry for the Blackfeet. They’re not asking for your sympathy. That was the point of that woman who said it was the Indians who were responsible for the problems of the Indians and the welfare system only made it worse. We’re at least half a century from the days you could blame the Man for making your life shitty. TIDS ISH-ESQUE
Dear Vice, Like all good consumers who live in a country rich enough to afford buying ironic garbage, I love the Tidbits column. That being said, thank you for filling the Tidbits Issue with actual tidbits and not once resorting to that crap you sometimes pull where you slide in some mundane consumer object like an iPod or Dunks. I don’t care if they do “balance out the negativity” and actually suit the column’s subtitle, reading haikus about footwear and electronics is basically as boring as bread. I hope this means you’ve all finally decided to leave that gadget wishbook crap in GQ where it belongs and free up some space for more racist potato chips and nonsensical sex items. God bless, NICHOLAS GAZIN
New York, NY We might stop doing straight consumer things in the Tidbits, but not because of you. It’s because there could be some dark magick at work. We did Banana Snapple in there a couple of years ago and then they discontinued it. Weird mojo, right? We don’t want to make any more things we like disappear. INSIDER ART Vice, During the majority of my three-month stint in Woodford County Jail (IL), I shared the pod with a 17-year-old girl named Tammy Wheeler, whom I nicknamed the Squealer. She had the mentality of a five-year-old and the sexual urges of a nymphomaniac. At one point, everything that she had in her cell had to be confiscated so she would not insert it in herself. I have some really awesome outsider art from her, as well as notes she wrote containing things like “I want to make your puss quiver. You are like a buttyful flower.” One of her drawings consists of stick figures with gigantic penises surrounded by various-size floating penises, for example. I have several different drawings and writings. Her handwriting is very childlike with an enormous amount of misspelling. She was arrested for child molestation and is the first female in the state of Illinois to be declared “sexually dangerous.” Here are some copies of the things she made for me. Her shit is hilarious. Thank you, DANA GUSLER
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