We Got a Seven-Year-Old to Review the Bands at TURF

When you become a parent, your life dramatically changes in almost every possible way. When you're a parent who regularly attends concerts, that drama can escalate even more without a cheap, flexible and responsible sitter or a loving partner who's fine to assume the role of gratis sitter. That's why the music festival has become such an important part of the concert-going parent's life.

For the fourth year in a row, the Toronto Urban Roots Festival has upheld its reputation as the city's best weekend-long musical event for all ages. Not only are kids permitted and even welcomed with their own activity zone, but each adult ticket holder is allowed to bring two kids aged 15 and under into the fest for free. That's some pretty big savings when you take into account that single day passes could reach up to $110.

Held at the historic Fort York Garrison Common grounds - where for some reason in 1813 the U.S. attacked poor defenseless Canada - TURF has been called the "kid-friendliest festival around" by trusted, music-loving parents. And while that's all fine and cool, a festival isn't worth going to (at least for the parents) if the music isn't any good. Well, luck has it that the organizers of TURF put even more effort into booking tasteful bands as they do making the experience one for the whole family.

In its first three years, TURF welcomed parent-approved acts like Belle & Sebastian, Neko Case, Yo La Tengo, Kurt Vile, Neutral Milk Hotel, the Violent Femmes, Pixies, Wilco and Desaparecidos. This year's line-up seemed like a good one in my eyes – Lush, Guided By Voices, the New Pornographers, the Hold Steady doing Boys and Girls in America in full, and of course, Ween! - so taking full advantage of TURF's free kids admission entry, I decided to not only take my seven-year-old daughter Beatrice, but make her be the critic for once and review the bands for me.

Saturday
Like most second-graders, Beatrice has school on Fridays, so we skipped the first day of TURF, just because by the time we got there, we'd catch one band and then have to turn around and go home to make bedtime. (Explanation: After a full day of school, kids don't have the same energy that they do on weekends.) Also, Friday had the weakest line-up of the three days, so since I'd already caught Modern Baseball here in Toronto back in June, we bailed.

We arrived on the wet, humid Saturday already a bit waterlogged from walking a good kilometre in the rain. Our plan to strategically arrive in time for shoegaze legends Lush worked like a charm, despite the extensive construction making entry into the grounds a chore.

Lush – West Stage, 4:40 pm

Beatrice: "I've never heard this band. (Dad's note: Of all the TURF bands this is probably the only band that I know Beatrice has definitely heard. "Hypocrite" has appeared on many, MANY playlists that I've forced her to listen to in car rides.) I don't really know the names of any of the songs. It was a good band. I liked how the music was played and I liked the beat. I liked the music because it was noisy and I like noisy music. I liked that that girls sang the songs. They kinda looked goth. I like to see girls play rock and roll because it makes me want to play rock and roll. I wanna be in a band like Lush. They kept talking about the rain. I didn't like standing in the rain because I didn't like getting wet. I could hear the girl singer's English accent. I like English bands a lot. I couldn't really hear the singing though because the guitars were so loud. But I like hearing the noise in the songs. The vocals didn't really matter. But it was kind of long. There were lots of people and it was very crowded. Lots of people like Lush. It's a popular band. I would give them nine out of ten."

After Lush we weighed our dinner options and Beatrice ended up with her favourite: macaroni and cheese. We managed to catch some of the Sheepdogs while we ate, but she felt she saw enough of their set to review it.

The Sheepdogs – East Stage, 6:00 pm

Beatrice: "They're okay. I like how you can really hear the guitar in their songs. I like the guitar solo because of all the noises it makes. I think guys with long hair and beards are cool. But one guy doesn't have long hair. The Sheepdogs are good music to listen to while you eat. I would give them nine out of ten."

Once we finished eating, I made the executive decision to moves stages and go see Okkervil River since their new album, Away, is so good.

Okkervil River – Rebellion Stage, 6:30 pm

Beatrice: "I really liked them because of how the guy sings and there's lots of guitarists. The one guy plays upright bass, and I liked how he put a shirt on his upright bass to make it look like there was another person there. He was using a bow on his upright bass and it looked like he was playing a violin. I think that's cool because I play the violin. I liked how the girl played the harmonica and the keyboard (correction: it was a Mellotron). I really liked the guy's turquoise guitar because I liked the colour of it. It was more minty green though. I liked how the music sounded because I like how the guy sings and I liked the beat. The beat was kind of smooth sometimes. I also like the guitars because they sounded cool. I danced a lot because it's really good dancing music. I would probably give them ten out of ten."

We hyped up the Barenaked Ladies quite a bit for her, because they're pretty kid-friendly, but it was pretty clear that they didn't need our push. Once they played "If I Had A Million Dollars" she was lit. Being able to stay up past her bedtime to watch them may have also contributed towards the excitement.

Barenaked Ladies – West Stage, 7:20 pm

Beatrice: "I thought they'd be naked when they came out. I also thought they'd be girls. I really liked the Barenaked Ladies because there was lots of guitars and I liked the lead singer's voice. Lots of the songs they played I kinda knowed. I like the 'If I Had A Million Dollars' and I didn't know the 'Allergies' song but I really liked it [Dad's note: When she was a toddler, Beatrice owned BNL's kids album, Snacktime!, which features "Allergies," but she didn't really take to it. I have not told her this because I'm sure she'd be disappointed in herself.]. They played this song where there was a mixture of songs in it ["Barenaked Rap"] and I really liked that one. "Hotline Bling," "Love Yourself," and "Work" by Rihanna and Drake. I liked that the singer hit a stuffy monkey with his guitar like he was playing baseball. They were fun because they did lots of cool stuff. Towards the end Darth Vader came on the stage because they sang the Darth Vader song. They were funny guys and once they said, "Welcome to the stage Drake," but no one came on. And they said that to the Weeknd and all sorts of people but they didn't come on. I danced a lot. And I liked when the guy threw the Kraft Dinner in the air. They were my favourite band of the day. I really liked all of the jokes they made and I liked their music the best. I would give them ten out of ten. Past ten if there was."

Sunday
Thankfully, the final day of TURF was dry, warm and balmy. We arrived just in time for a family favourite, the New Pornographers.

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The New Pornographers – East Stage, 3:10

Beatrice: "I really liked the New Pornographers. I like that one of the girls played the violin because I play the violin. I liked their songs because they were catchy. They made me feel happy. I knew two of the songs because Daddy played them for me. If I listen to a band and they play songs I know I like them more. The songs made me want to dance. I liked the beats to their songs. It was kind of fast. I would give them ten out of ten."

It felt like everyone on Sunday was there to see the Hold Steady because they were playing their now ten-year-old classic album, Boys and Girls in America. That didn't really matter too much to Beatrice.

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The Hold Steady – West Stage, 4:30

Beatrice: "They were a really weird band. They sang weird songs and the singer did really weird voices and weird things with his hands. On his guitar was a bear. I liked that. They also sang some bad words, like stupid. The crowd was really excited. They were moving their heads and singing along and dancing. But I wanted to listen to Julia Jacklin. I would give them eight out of ten."

Although Beatrice gave the Hold Steady a generous score, she really wanted to try something else. So I recommended Australian alt-country-pop upstart Julia Jacklin.

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Julia Jacklin – Rebellion Stage, 4:30

Beatrice: "She was really good. I like her voice. It's pretty. She's from Australia and talked about having pool parties and being in the Girl Guides. She asked if they have Girl Guides in Canada and I liked that because I'm a Girl Guide. I like that she mentioned that the Blue Jays and Drake were from Toronto. I like country music a lot. I kinda liked that it kinda quiet music. I would give her ten out of ten."

Julia was nice enough to take a photo with Beatrice after her set and talk to her about Girl Guides stuff.

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We caught Corb Lund just walking by the stage and Bea was immediately drawn to the honky tonk music and upright bass – two new loves of hers I discovered this weekend.

Corb Lund and the Hurtin' Albertans – Battle of York Stage, 4:30

Beatrice: "I really liked how funny he was. I liked that in one of his he sang that it's always good to have a little bit of cows around. And whisky. Because it's beer and beer is disgusting. Every beer is disgusting. I liked the way he sang. He had an accent. I really liked the bass because it was big and sounded nice. It was a right side up bass. My music teacher plays one. I would give him ten out of ten."

Since I'd recently just written an epic guide to CanRock's greatest songs for Noisey, I felt this was a perfect opportunity to school my daughter on one of that era's most compelling songwriters. Don't let the high score fool you: she didn't get the same feels from Matt Good that I did.

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Matthew Good – East Stage, 5:50

Beatrice: "I like them. I like the guitarists and how they make vibrations. I like the singer Matthew Good and his voice. He grunts [makes grunting noises]. I like that they played the song ["Load Me Up"] my Daddy loves. They played some sad songs [makes fake crying noise] but I don't really like sad songs because they're harder to dance to. I came here because I wanted to dance. I would give them eight out of ten."

Beatrice's Final Word

"The best thing about TURF was spending time with Mommy and Daddy, eating the donut ice cream cone, seeing the Barenaked Ladies, meeting Julia Jacklin, getting a lollipop and using the nice bathrooms because I didn't want to use a porta-potty that smells bad. They smell like poo and pee and farts."

All photos by Andrea England.

Cam Lindsay is a writer based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter.​