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Sex

Five Questions I Don't Want Answered About the Vaginal FaceTime Camera

There's a horrible new sex toy on the market and it raises a lot of questions.
March 2, 2015, 7:14pm

Don't use this to FaceTime your vagina to someone. Why would you do that. Screenshot via YouTube

If there are two things that exemplify the modern Western world, they are garish displays of sexuality and gratuitous, narcissistic photography. It's a wonderful, crazy world, all right. But how are we ever going to merge our two chief cultural passions, you ask? Who will find a way to seamlessly combine 2K15's atmosphere of nonstop sexual stimuli with our need for constant oversharing?

Well, ask no more!

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The "Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator™" is a vibrator (obviously) equipped with a high-def camera. If you've ever been in the middle of pleasuring yourself with a vibrator and thought, "Wow, I wish I could FaceTime someone but my phone is so far away and my vibrator is right here," this is the gadget for you.

The "sex selfie stick," as UK newspaper the Independent styled it, is an unnecessary and horrifying appliance. It is the apotheosis of modern Western civilization, which is itself terrible. We have gazed into the abyss, and the abyss gave us the Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator™.

After reading about the Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator™, I was left with a number of questions, but because it is a terrible invention with unsettling uses, I don't actually want any of my questions answered. Please don't tell me your answers. Let's all just silently share our horror.

1. Where did the idea for a vibrator-slash-camera come from?
Is "innards porn" a thing? Is that where you perverts came up with this creation? That must be the most disturbing possibility, but is there any scenario in which this invention is conceived that isn't upsetting? "We wanted to create a home endoscopy machine for vaginas. We're democratizing science!" "Every time I use my vibrator, I really feel like FaceTiming with my friends." "We think everyone is curious about the inside of vaginas. Not, like, just inside, but deep inside. Right up in the guts."

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It's all terrible.

2. Why is it only for vaginas? Is there a material reason this isn't marketed as a vagina-and-butt camera?
It makes sense that the vibrator function of this device is marketed toward vagina-having people. But the camera makes all of us potential clients, because if people want to record the insides of their vaginas with cameras, there are definitely people who also want to record the insides of their butts. So why isn't this device being marketed as such? Are the materials with which it's made up to the task of being inserted both anally and vaginally?

Actually, never mind.

3. You've come up with the idea for the Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator™ (somehow). But even after it's in your head, why inflict it on the world?
What possible good could this device do that would counteract how horrifying it is? Are we going to be emailing endoscopies to our doctors in two years, and avoiding cancer by doing so? If not, this object never should have been unleashed on us. Keep your dystopian sex-pocalypse ideas to yourselves.

4. What's with the name? Why "Gaga"?
Is Lady Gaga behind this? It would make sense, given her creepy/sexy aesthetic. If the Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator™ is part of Lady Gaga's bid for relevance, the Little Monsters of the world are going to flood the internet with genital selfies. All we can hope is that Tony Bennett doesn't join in.

5. Why is this happening to me?
The world is a futuristic hellscape and there's no way out.

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