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Young People Still Suck

It isn't hard to see which way the winds are blowing regarding gay marriage. All you need is a second-grade reading comprehension and a very simple understanding of statistics.
March 25, 2013, 8:04pm

It isn't hard to see which way the winds are blowing regarding gay marriage. All you need is a second-grade reading comprehension and a very simple understanding of statistics. (Like, a three-plus-four-equals-seven understanding.) Subtraction: old, bigoted fogies finding their ways into graves and out of voter rolls. Addition: young lads who've grown up on gay-normalizing media heading into the voting booths with the realization that being gay isn't a horrendous sin. Clear result: the legalization of same-sex marriage isn't a matter of if but when. With that knowledge, it's easy to kick up your feet, relax, and smile at the sense that the world's moving in the right direction.

Until, that is, you pick up last week's New York Times and read about these young assholes who are waging a war for “traditional marriage.”


These mini Patrick Batemans are putting in the hours and money because they not only feel that they're in the right, but also that they have an invisible entity backing their side. Good thing, then, if there is a man upstairs watching, he certainly doesn't give a shit about this. (If He really did, He'd probably go ahead and just snap His fingers and make all of the gays hetero, right? Or am I not understanding how much power this God fella apparently wields?) Which is to say: don't let articles like that worry you. It's just writers looking for controversial “trends” for link and comment bait. Instead, let's let those rich tykes waste their law degree sand double-breasted suits on worthless fights. It'll keep them nice and occupied.

Onto the roundup!

- On the 10th anniversary of the Baghdad invasion by American troops, a series of car and suicide bombings led to at least 60 deaths. The attacks took place in markets, restaurants, and bus stops, and are believed to be the work of Sunni Islamist militants.

- Speaking of the past coming back to haunt us in strange ways, Pakistan captured a man suspecting to be involved in the gruesome beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl by Islamist militants back in 2002.

- Natalia Paris, a “top model” from Colombia, released a video where she uses her scientific background to claim that ingesting chicken causes homosexuality because chickens are constantly being injected with female hormones. Honestly, I'm not sure how religion figures into this mess, but it's got to somehow, right? - A US drone killed four suspected militants in Pakistan. Elsewhere in the violent country, a car bomb hit a refugee camp—there to house people fleeing from Taliban and al Qaeda-linked warring—near the city of Peshawar, killing at least 15 people. Elsewhere in al Qaeda-linked terror, five were killed in Yemen during a clash between the Islamists and government militia. - Bill O'Reilly is apparently not only trying to get custody of his children during his divorce proceedings, but he's also trying to get his ex-wife kicked out of the Catholic Church.

- During President Obama's visit to Israel, two of those pesky rockets shot from the Gaza Strip and landed in the southern town of Sderot. Some minor damage was reported but no injuries. Later in the week, Obama urged Israel to [give the Palestinians their own independent state](http://

A suicide bomber blew himself up in a mosque in Syria's capital of Damascus, killing 42. The senior Syrian imam Mohammed al-Buti was one of the victims. Nobody has yet to take responsibility for the attack, but everyone's pointing their fingers at one another. One group, the Syrian National Coalition, has alleged the Syrian government is behind the blast. - Michelle Shocked, reportedly some folk singer from the 80s, made the not-so-informed decision to speak about God not being a fan of homosexuals during a concert in San Francisco. - At least ten are dead in Myanmar after a fight between a Muslim gold-shop owner and two Buddhist vendors escalated to some full-blown rioting. Four mosques, so far, have been burned to the ground. - Irony alert: Preacher Pat Robertson, a scamster in religious garb, warned his viewers against following advice given by scamsters in religious garb. - North Dakota, apparently not happy enough with their bill to ban abortions after 20 weeks, decided to amend it in order to kill a three-year, $1.2 million federal sex-ed grant for North Dakota State University. Because nothing makes abortions less likely than having kids running around not knowing what to put on their genitals to keep from making babies. - The house across from the Westboro Baptist Church got itself a full-blown rainbow-pride paint job last week. - People are going stupid because the actor picked to portray Satan in the History Channel's reinterpretation of The Bible kind of looks like an older, more Satanic Barack Obama. Except, not really at all. - North Carolina scrapped plans to issue pink-striped licenses to illegal immigrants after all sorts of controversy, including Jewish leaders saying the racially motivated IDs were a bit too close for comfort to the old Nazi ways of doing things.  - Despite what the intro would have you believe, it was actually a good week for gay marriage. First up, Hillary Clinton announced her support (of course), possibly prepping her for a 2016 presidential candidacy. Secondly, there was the Methodist church in Winton-Salem, North Carolina, ceasing to allow marriages of any kind to be performed on premises until the state officially recognizes gay marriage. On the down side of the ledger was House Speaker [John Boehner, who “can't imagine” ever supporting gay marriage](http:// ), but he's an asshole so who cares? - And Our Person of the Week: in a landslide, Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head by members of the Taliban last October after repeatedly advocating for women's-education reform in the region. Last week, after six months of rehab, [she returned to school](http://|).

Previously - Meet Frank