How to Whore Out Your Man

Pictures throughout author's own

Not so long ago in London, girls like me – girls fresh out of university with Russell Group arts degrees and dreams of making films about Inuit transsexuals – sold out. We sold out because somebody had decided that modern-day slavery, AKA the unpaid internship, was an acceptable form of labour, which left us with little choice but to take on our own slaves and become professional dominatrixes.

The men in our lives assure us that they have no problem with what we do, telling us that, actually, falling asleep next to a dominatrix every night is "so cool". And, in turn, they expect us to think that's a good thing – but we don’t. Why not? Because while we’re hustling our spanked arses down to the bank the morning after a working Friday night, our male supportives are laying around at home, having a second-hand wank at the thought of it. Effectively, it’s working for the man twice over.

We're living in a time of recession economics. It's getting harder to make a decent wage doing indecent things. Which means – boyfriends, husbands, sugar daddies, toyboys, bad uncles – it’s time for you to put your mouths where the money is. The moment has arrived for each and every one of you to step up and devote yourself to taking on secondary employment as a Man In Mandatory Prostitution – ladies, here's how to turn your man into a MIMP.

DO BREAK HIM IN GENTLY
Remember the first time? When you and that girl tied a barrister to a radiator and shoved a chocolate éclair down his throat, before wanking him off into the spare one you’d just sucked the cream out of? You felt a bit sick afterwards, partly because he came on your leg and partly because of all the custard you’d inhaled, but you got paid, which made you feel better. But, y'know, still.

Now, recollect that feeling and use it to empathise with your MIMP. He's going to be understandably apprehensive about his debut cameo in your 2PM forced bi session, even if he does love to whisper about how good it would feel to rub cocks with Elijah from the sonic arts collective when he’s drunk and trying to climax.

Try swapping "forced" for that politically correct kinkster amelioration, "encouraged" (though admittedly it does sound even creepier). Helping your man feel like he’s choosing to become a prostitute will make a sizeable difference to his hard-on. And a sizeable hard-on will make for a returning client, which means you both get to go to Western Sahara and do that ethical project thing you’d agreed on when you were chewing qat in Morocco. Exploitative? Not at all! When everyone sex works together, even the developing world wins. DO APPEAL TO HIS BELIEF IN GENDER EQUALITY
Female sex workers will always harbour at least a little contempt for male purchase power, which is why what you’re doing with your man is a bold strike for gender equality. Not the Lynne Featherbrain "all’s fair in parental leave" variety, but the "time for you to know how thrush from overuse feels" kind.

If your man is a real male feminist, he’ll understand that he needs to keep your sex sessions fresh and repay his debts to womankind by occasionally playing slave for a while. If he doesn’t, remind him. There’s no quicker way to forge a male feminist than to tie him twice round the balls with an elastic band and order your businessman client to gnaw at them like a teething puppy. DO REWARD SEX WITH (DIFFERENT) SEX
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from sex work, it’s that the more sex you have, the more you want – but only, usually, if it’s not the sex you’ve been getting. When I first started topping at work, all I wanted in my own bedroom was a good force-fucking, and vice-versa.

Over time, I’ve realised that I’m mainly just a ball-slapping bitch, but that doesn’t detract from the basic binary. So, a blowjob for a blowjob? Nah. A good old tit-fuck is a better deal. Get really good at it and it’ll become a kind of Pavlovian power-play, so that when your man is earning his wages on the receiving end of a cane, he'll be gunging up mentally at the thought of poking you back at home. Now is also a good time to reverse your usual whore talk. He might flinch a little at first, but he’s eventually going to love how wet you get at this little piece of justice. It never gets boring calling a man a whore.

DON'T LET HIM THINK HE CAN MAKE THE SAME MONEY AS YOU
If your new male apprentice has been studying your business model a little too closely, he’s going to be of the delusion that every client who makes tentative contact with him yearns to pay handsomely for a pair of his used "manties". They won’t. Men's worn underwear never has and never will smell nice.

As such, he needs to get real about how much money he’s going to make as a pro-whore. Remember to remind him that he’ll never be able to command your domme fee, and if he suggests you split the profits 50:50, a large studded paddle should help you subtly make your point of NO FUCKING WAY. DON'T GET TAPPING WITHOUT WRAPPING
The last thing you want is an argument about who gave who the infectious disease. Especially because, if both you and he end up on the sidelines, who’s going to pay next month’s FetLife video fees? Besides pesky boils, warts and lacerations, chains, ball-gags and cock-weights all come with their very own unique set of hazards.

DON'T LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH PLEASURE YOU'RE TAKING IN HIS PAIN
Whether he’s submissive for show and a rape-player come private time, or a man who really was just born to be a servile slug, any man in this situation who thinks you’re enjoying yourself too much will soon become petulant and under-perform (as will your profits). Even monkeys need peanuts, and metaphorical peanuts of praise are his due. That means faking empathy even when the client was right to sneer at his poor-show go-go dancing, or sympathy when he panics that his cum-struck eye is oozing with chlamydia of the cornea.

What women must always retain, domina or otherwise, is the martyr card. "The things I do with dildos for you!" just won’t sound as fair coming from a guy's mouth, and if it does, stuff that mouth with a couple of rolled-up socks and thrash him into submission. Because the martyr card is all yours.

Thinking about getting into the MIMP game, but want to know more about the world's sex industry?

Meet the Dominatrix Standing Up for Canada's Prostitutes

My Friend is a Punk Rock Rent Boy

The VICE Guide to Travel: Prostitutes of God

Mandingo!