'Every First Date Is £100' – How Money Gets in the Way of Modern Romance

Last July, Oli was plunged back into the dating pool after ending a three-year long distance relationship. Back in the swamp of apps and first dates after a multi-year hiatus, what’s surprised him most is the cost of dating.

“Things are different,” he explains. “There’s always been a bit of pressure, especially when you’ve been out of practice for a while. But now, according to Twitter, you’ve got to spend at least £100 [on a date]!” 

Having started dating again properly in April, and going on two to three dates each week, the 33-year-old has found that Twitter’s £100 rule is all too accurate. “All of my first dates have just been drinks at a cocktail bar. Drinks are like a tenner, minimum. Then there’s snacks. After three to four hours, it’s easily racking up to £100,” he explains. “Unless it’s a pub, I honestly don’t think a ‘drinks date’ can cost less.”

A 2019 poll found that, in the UK, people go on an average of 13 dates a year, spending a total of £1,306. With millennials earning and average of £28,000 a year, adding dating costs on top of your essentials - rent, food and travel – can quickly to start to stretch your budget.

With an annual income of over £100,000, Oli earns well above the UK average, and admits it’s harder for other people since he has “disposable income to burn”. And this point presents another key issue when it comes to dating: income disparity between each person on the date.

Much the same as a group of friends who earn wildly varying amounts, making joint holidays or splitting a restaurant bill a potentially awkward proposition, the “money conversation” can be just as anxiety-inducing as the first date itself.

Lily and her boyfriend started dating at the start of the year, when the only real options were sitting at home or going for a walk. But now that coronavirus restrictions have been fully lifted in England, the 24-year-old discovered just how expensive going on dates can be. “I’ve just spent so much money,” she says. “Even snacks with a movie night are more.”

Lily’s found that working freelance and making less than her boyfriend has created hiccups in their relationship. “Whenever we want to treat the other – just to do a nice thing – it’s always dinner,” she says. “It’s stressful, because you want [the amount spent] to be equal. I wouldn’t tell him if I probably shouldn’t be paying for something. Now, I’m more comfortable. I'll let him know that I should wait until I get paid, and then we can do something.” 

Sammy, 26, and his girlfriend got off to a similar start. “When you first start dating, being skint isn’t something you want to talk about, or maybe even admit,” he says. “Not that money matters at all, but you’re not going to go on a first date and be like, ‘I’m fucking skint, so can we not get this extra drink?’ Though, on our third or fourth date we did go to Spoons, which we were both pretty happy about.”

Although Sammy says he and his girlfriend are both prone to splurging, they’ve attempted to schedule their more expensive date nights to fit their budget.

“We try to have one really nice, fancy date where we do splash out every month, and then try to keep it more frugal between those times,” he explains. “But we don’t always manage it, and it often ends up we’ll be out and about and be like, ‘Let’s not do this or that,’ because we’re both skint, but we’ll end up indulging and the bill comes back and it’s fucking mad. We’ve both got a bit of a problem when it comes to that.” 

Of course, it’s easier to establish those spending rules when you’re in a relationship. When you’re first starting out – especially if you’re particularly smitten with the person you’re dating – those self-enforced boundaries may well go out of the window.

Harry, 27, says he didn’t give much thought to his finances while dating, if it meant impressing the girl he’d been interested in for years. “I spent my savings on dates and flowers just because that’s what she was used to,” he says. “Obviously, I was trying to impress her. I haven’t spoken to her in years now, and I’m still trying to get back to where I was with savings.” 

For Charlotte, 24, dating was completely off the table before the pandemic. Now she’s moved back to her family home, she’s ready to start again.

“If I was still paying rent like I was before coronavirus, I would still be uncomfortable, unless I knew they were super wealthy and willing to pay,” she says. “I wouldn’t date if I couldn’t afford at least half of the meal, because imagine if they want to split the bill and my card declined. That would be so embarrassing.” 

Money is a source of stress for most people, and addressing that stress on a first date might seem impossible. In fact, for those like Harry, it’s easy to feel like the amount you earn is a barrier to entering the dating pool whatsoever. “As much as everyone knows getting a high earning job is hard,” he says, “no one wants to admit that to someone you want to impress.”