Does Getting Back Together With An Ex Ever Work?

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

Getting back together with a partner after calling time on your relationship has been explored in media for decades. 

From The Notebook’s famous, “It wasn't over, it still isn't over" line to Bella and Edward reuniting in Italy post-break-up in New Moon, going back to your ex-love is often seen to be the height of romance and ‘love will find a way’ rhetoric. 

But does the fairytale work out in real life? Or is it only reserved for the Rihanna and A$AP Rocky’s of the world? 

The answer is complicated. 

Surprisingly, there aren’t many statistics on the rates of people getting back together with their ex. Whether this is because scientists and psychologists don’t care to know, or because people are too coy to admit it, is yet to be determined. 

But how do you work out whether to give it another shot or cut your losses? 

Ask why

Firstly, figure out why you broke up in the first place. Why are they your ex? 

For Shantelle Pitt, her on-and-off-again relationship began when she was fresh out of high school. 

“We were young and didn't really know how to navigate a proper relationship,” Pitt says.  

“He never made time for me, made jokes about cheating on me, would tell me I was really sensitive and not a lot of fun to be around, so eventually we broke up.” 

Despite knowing the relationship was toxic, Pitt stayed in contact with them. 

“We would go on road trips, go for dinners, hang out with my friends, everything you'd do in a relationship. It made me emotionally unavailable for years because I was still in contact with him and felt like there was something there.” 

“I was holding onto the hope we'd get back together, and the convenience of having someone already know who I was as a person.” 

Are they turning you into someone you’re not?

Sure, people can change, but if you recognised toxic behaviours when in the relationship, it might be time to have a sit-down and chat about if there’s been any personal growth in those areas. 

If not, it may be best to leave it in the past. 

The second point to ask is if the other person (or the relationship itself) is changing your own behaviour and only leading to pain. 

For Francesca Burns, when an ex decided to break-up with them, they were shattered. 

“I thought he was 'the one'.”

Burns dated around but their “master plan” was to get back together. 

“I did all the research on ways 'to get him back' and it became an unhealthy obsession.”

After chipping away, the two exes started chatting again and even slept together after a dinner. 

“[It] was a bad idea as it was unrequited, made me crazy and [was] ultimately mentally unhealthy because I had to go through the heartbreak again. The relationship will never be the same after a break-up,” says Burns. 

“There was a reason why it ended in the first place.” 

Have you changed?

What about the flip side? Not every relationship is toxic and sometimes, people actually can genuinely change for the better after a break. 

For Alex Cam, a break-up right before the first lockdown meant a chance to grow as individuals after being in a relationship from 17 years old. 

“[We] were broken up for about two to three months, then slowly found our way back to each other,” Cam says.  

“He was a better person, more mature and I think I was the same. Now we have been together for six years and are still going strong!” 

Big life changes (like, um, a literal pandemic) can heavily influence relationships and behaviours. According to Jamie Heys, the COVID pandemic made her and her partner “insane” and after four months with no contact and three months of tentatively dating her ex-partner, she realised that COVID had changed both individuals deeply. 

“We'd morphed into different versions of ourselves, so we just needed a little recalibration and a reminder of what's important.”

“[I realised] that there was still so much love [in the relationship] and it was worth giving it another go.”

As backed up by the lack of hard data, getting back together with an ex is a deeply personal choice and one that can be met with stigma and judgement from the “just dump him” brigade. 

“I kept it a secret from my friends and family for ages [because] I thought people would judge,” says Cam. 

But honestly, you have to make your own choices in this life. We only grow through making mistakes and doing better next time so, if you want to try again with an ex, that’s your prerogative. If you’d rather go no contact and move on to new people, then you do you. 

Romantic dramas like The Notebook and Twilight can build reuniting relationships up to the pinnacle of sacrifice and love, but only you (and your partner) know what’s right for you. 

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