We thought we had seen it all.
First came the Home Depot Skeleton, rattling into our hearts for Halloween 2020 on 12 feet of faux bones, a weird amount of sexual tension, and a spook energy so powerful, it saved us from a total COVID blues takeover. Then, mere weeks later came the now-infamous velvety pig couch, whose popularity on Craigslist sparked an investigative New York Times piece into the “expressive” yet “downtrodden” oinker that was (spoiler) not for sale, but an artsy catfishing experiment.
But we never could have anticipated the next captivating item for our present cultural love affair with cursed home decor.
Whilst cruising the vast selection of wares on that online furniture depot that is not selling trafficked children, Wayfair, we found something truly remarkable. You can now slide your krabby patties onto the latest, and most cursed of internet objets: the “Giant King Crab Sculptural Lounge Chair”:
Design Toscano Giant King Crab Sculptural Lounge Chair,
$1,366.86 $969.00 at Wayfair
It’s the latest, humble offering from the sculptors of Design Toscano, whose artisanal origins take us not to the sunbaked hills of Italy, but the tractor-pulled fields of Elk Grove Village, Illinois, where the home decor brand was founded in 1989 by some bro named Michael Stopka. Those are pretty much all the deets we could care about squeezing out of the internet about the lore of the statuary company, because TBH, it’s no matter. One need only peruse its site to see what level of the Inferno we’re reaching with each sub-sub category; There’s Christian, Steampunk, and Aliens; Patriotic, Big Foot, and an extensive Mermaid section (to say nothing of the “subservient dragon” table). This King Crab, however, is a pinch above the rest:
Landlubbers, rejoice: Most red king crabs grow to be about 24 pounds, but this fiberglass boy comes in at 117 pounds and 28 inches in height, ready to embrace you in its husky lap. “Seen at some of the balmy Spice Islands[’] most exclusive getaway retreats,” write Stopka’s elves, “our exotic approach to seating will make a grand-scale statement poolside or in your garden! Complete with pinchers, claws and eight wide-set legs, this whimsical crab sculpture boasts an ample garden chair with deep-seated comfort.”
We’re afraid, and aroused. We’re... buying? In a plot twist, it’s also being sold at Home Depot and Walmart, which makes us wonder: Exactly what cult is assembling RN? And will Home Depot Skeleton be invited in his new St. Patty’s Day finery?
Hurry. There are only three crabs left.
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