CONTACTING CASEY JOHNSON FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

In case you haven't heard, the heiress of

Johnson & Johnson

died yesterday. She was a crazy party girl who hung out with the Hiltons and was engaged to Tila Te-fucking-quila, but in the end she went quietly due to "natural causes." We thought that celebrities would stop mass-dying in 2010, but apparently not. We decided to try and contact Casey from beyond the grave to ask her if she was having a wild time with Brittany Morgan and David Caruso on the other side, and if she feels that Tila Tequila is

using her death to try and claw her way back to internet stardom

. We created a guide with the help of an online psychic medium so you can try it yourselves at home:

Step 1: Go to the quietest part of your home. Sit in a comfortable chair that will support the back of your head. Place a large mirror in front of you, at an angle that allows you to gaze deeply into it.

Step 2: Next, you have to hypnotise yourself into an altered state. For many, art alone is enough to induce the right mood. Step 3: Gather photographs and objects that remind you of your loved one. Touch these objects and remember the deceased fondly. This stirs up both the conscious and the unconscious mind.

Step 4: To successfully master the art of "mirror gazing", you must light some candles behind you. If nothing else, you will at least feel the comforting benefit of ambience.

Step 5: Gaze deeply into the mirror. Feel your arms relax and begin to feel heavy. The tips of your fingers will start to tingle as you enter a hypnagogic state. The mirror will most likely become cloudy now. Some report their sightings to be like staring through fog. This loss of clarity means the visions are about to appear.

Step 6: Next, watch the visions unfold before you. The deceased may also try to contact you in ways other than revealing a ghostly image on a smudgy piece of glass. For example, as we stared longingly at the mirror, "The Great Beyond" by R.E.M started playing from upstairs. We misheard the lyrics and thought that Michael Stipe was looking for "an answer beyond the grave". Creepy, right?!

Our sighting of Casey was brief, but we'll say this much: the next song that came on was "Losing My Religion". Only an imbecile would dispute our theory that this is the deluded Ms. Johnson trying to tell us that there is no God.

Miss u… I'm coming!

WORDS:

BILLIE JD PORTER

PHOTOS:

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE