​Ten Questions You Always Wanted to Ask a Domestic Abuser

This article originally appeared on VICE New Zealand.

There are a lot of guys like Alex (Sole) Masame but you very rarely hear from them, or about them. What you do hear about are the victims of men like him. New Zealand has one of the worst rates of family violence in the OECD. One in three women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. Last year police attended 105,000 domestic violence callouts, and that doesn't count the estimated 80 percent of incidents that go unreported.

When it comes to violence in the home, the first question is generally, "why doesn't she leave?" not "why doesn't he change?" Is that even possible? Alex is part of that invisible majority. He was controlling and abusive to his wife and two kids but never had a run-in with the police. It took his wife walking out for him to try to do better. He enrolled in an stopping violence course and while he says he was cynical and arrogant at first, he claims the course transformed his outlook.

Alex is now single and lives in Huntly. Eight years on, he still does the courses. Changing abusive behaviour, he says, is a lifelong thing. VICE called him up to ask if it can really be done.

VICE: Hi Alex. Firstly, who you were hurting?
Alex: Basically I was hurting my whole family at the time. I was great at work. Getting a lot of respect at work, promotions, accolades, getting recognition. My mates would think I was great. Every other person would think I'm a really good guy but when I got home I put my crap on them. I believed my home, my house, my castle, my rules.

I was very controlling. I have two kids, a girl and a boy. I was physical with my kids. But at the same time I didn't think I was any worse to what I had growing up as a kid.

We often hear domestic violence is a cycle. Were you doing what had happened to you as a child?
The way I looked at it was I was doing better than what was done to me. A good example was I gave my son a hiding when he was about 10 years old. I only gave him a hiding with a cricket bat on his bum. I didn't think that was too bad compared to a two by four all over your body. Being hit by cord. In our world, it's normal.

You were obviously scaring your family, but were you scaring yourself too?
I was getting out of control because I was aware my secret was coming out—that I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how to deal with mortgages. I didn't know how to deal with family life.

There were also fears that I had growing up when I was molested as a kid. I'd always heard that if you got molested you'd become a molester. I still remember one of my first freak-outs was when I heard "it's a girl" when my daughter was being born. I remember I felt the fear that one day I was going to look at her funny and do something bad. So rather than have that happen, I made the decision in my mind that I was going to treat her hard. There was no way I was going to let any man, woman or child abuse my daughter. I was going to toughen her up. I was going to make sure that when I told her that I love her, I was never going to touch her.

Is there anything friend or family could have said to you that would have stopped the abuse?
I think it would have got worse because there was nothing out there to tell me otherwise. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to make it better. Sometimes when you hear from family, it becomes nothing. You brush it off. But when a total stranger comes to you, you open your ears.

What made you look for help and find a stopping violence course?
I was trying to save my marriage. It only came about because she made the decision to leave. As much as I hated it, and as much as I cried like a blubbering idiot, somewhere inside I was happy for her to do it because it made her look stronger, feel stronger. She may say differently. It's always his story, her story then the real story.

When your wife left, was that a dangerous time for her?
At the time there were certain things I didn't want to know. If I did ask the right questions, I would have done something really stupid. All I know is there was one thing I definitely wouldn't have stood for—being embarrassed.

A lot of guys, they've killed their partner because they'd rather be hated than made a fool of. In that sense I can understand that.

Why do you think we have such high rates of abuse in New Zealand?
It's this idea of what a man's supposed to be like. A man is supposed to be tough, in control, know his shit. He should have an answer for everything. What happens if he doesn't and he's been bullshitting along the whole time? The only place that a kid usually learns to be a dad is from what he's seen growing up.

Does sending abusers to jail make things better?
There are certain people that need to go to jail. The system is created to protect those from people like us. Unfortunately the system that's out there right now—when there is a domestic issue with a family, the wife and children are taken out of the home and they go to women's refuge. Usually the guy goes to jail and that's all. The way I look at it is it should be the man removed, and helped to understand that what he's doing is wrong. Where's the support for him to help him find out a better way to do it?

If you could tell yourself on your wedding day one thing, what would it be?
It's ok to screw up. You're going to make mistakes. A lot of people tend to get in the habit that someone else is going to fix things for you but just having support is the biggest thing.

How has this all impacted the relationship you have with your kids?
My daughter is 22. My son is 20. This year my daughter actually called up to say she forgave me. I didn't understand it at first. She's got nothing to forgive me for. I don't forgive myself. This is going to be a life long thing for me.

My son, he's 20 now. I understand that he's a busy guy. I'm not too bothered about that. As long as they're happy and well, that's all that matters to me. I'm always mindful of the fact that I hurt them and I can never take that back.

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