Montreal en Lumière... on Acid!

Montreal en Lumière is an eleven day festival that takes place during the absolute shittiest time of the year, late February to early March, when just about every Quebecer is fed up with winter and ready for the huge drunken block party that is Montreal summer. The festival concludes with an all night celebration that features hundreds of mostly free artistic and cultural activities scattered around the city. In theory, this spring equinox, pagan-y festival has the potential to be a lot of fun, as you can do all sort of weird things like ice fishing, riding Ferris wheels and running around art galleries all the while completely off your gourd. And it is! But we thought it would be even more enjoyable (and often scary) with a few hits of acid to offset the occasional boredom of waiting in line to see some weird outdoor art thing. So, we convinced our friend Gabe to do just that.

Gabe dropped the two hits of acid Place-des-Arts, the epicenter of the Montreal en Lumière festival. At 6:30 it was already buzzing with activity with all sorts of lit up attractions and an endless sea of moms with baby strollers, German tourists and baked college kids.

As we waited for Gabe to come up, we decided to make our way out of the enclave of tourists and walk to the Old Port to check out what was going on at the Montreal Science Center. On our way in, we passed a giant funnel designed to teach kids something about geometry and physics. Coins roll on their side in a spiral until they fall through the hole. Gabe, under the early effects of the acid, was beginning to understand everything as an interconnected system. He said it reminded him of a heart with one valve, which meant that his money was the lifeblood of the science museum. Deep stuff, Gabe.

At this point he was beginning to get kind of loopy. After calling out a Quebecois three-year-old for wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey as a “race traitor” he decided to lay low at a Parks Canada booth giving free airbrush tattoos. Gabe chose a salmon tattoo amongst a myriad of other Canadian critters. The ranger asked Gabe if he wanted the salmon facing left or right to which he responded with a huge shit-eating grin, “Swimming upstream, please.”

We heard there was ice fishing so we thought it would be funny to take Gabe out onto the ice to see if he could catch anything. On the way we passed an interactive display about machinery that looked like an armoire left over from the set of Pee-wee's Playhouse. We were pretty confident this spinning, light-up, musical contraption would set off Gabe's psychedelic experience. He stopped in front of it, and when we asked him what he saw he simply said, “Katy Perry's tits” and started laughing uncomfortably.

Gabe had had high hopes for ice fishing. But because it was ludicrously expensive to rent a heated cabin, we opted to rough it outside, despite the near blizzard conditions. With a newly acquired fishing license, pole and a bucket full of minnows Gabe made his way onto the ice in search of a suitable hole.

To combat the dropping temperature, Gabe took the initiative to drag this fire-sled closer to our fishing holes. He said he felt like Helios, the Greek titan who drove a sun chariot across the sky. I reminded him that he was more like one of Helio's horses, but he didn't hear me because he was zoned out, staring into the flames like a psycho. We concluded his trip was likely in full effect and he should not be allowed to move a potentially hazardous fire-cage-sled around the ice.

Gabe plucked a minnow out of the bucket and said, “You're dead, dude. You're fish food!” I asked him what he thought was going through the fish's mind. “The hook!” he exclaimed, laughing hysterically as he stabbed the minnow through the mouth and up through the top of its head. Having caught zero fish in 40 minutes, we finally ditched our equipment and headed to see an art show called Les Ruines de Babel. We were really excited to go, partially because it was supposed to “provoke improbable imaginary worlds and creative artistic galaxies.” But also because there was free alcohol and we all had hypothermia.

I think the artist intended it to be violent and jarring, but he really just painted the Friendly Giant. Good vibes.

Gabe enjoyed the paintings but felt the event had an aura of exclusivity, even though there was no admission and the wine was free. Before we left, Gabe went to use the washroom. After a minute, he came out with a huge smirk on his face. He told us “the bathroom had a ton of art in it, but whoever went before me peed all over the seat. Everyone here thinks they're so classy, but they can't even aim. Also, I looked in the mirror and my face was melting. Let's leave.” On the way out Gabe shot a glance back at the art and said, “I’m more of a poster guy, anyway.”

We then ventured down into Montreal's Underground City. For those of you who don’t know, Montreal’s famed “Underground City” is actually just a series of shitty, interconnected shopping malls that span for miles. In the center of the first mall we visited was giant fountain kitted out with a lightshow specifically for Nuit Blanche. Gabe said, “this must be what Las Vegas is like” and stared up at the fountain in awe. He then imagined a scenario in which the fountain went haywire and began spraying all the onlookers in the mall, “Everyone would just be kind of wet, and would go home. I guess it wouldn't be too bad.”

Gabe sat down next to the fountain to watch a nearby screening of some weird art film. He proceeded to watch the entire film twice, including the ten-minute interlude between screenings when nothing was happening and the screen was just blank. When we asked him how it went he said, “I felt like I was going to be swallowed by the screen. There was this part with an elf speaking Spanish…I was deeply afraid.”

When the fear of a Hispanic elf subsided we found out that some gallery was hosting a Tony Bennett art show. Gabe became instantly obsessed with the idea of checking out the artwork, despite his inability to name a single Tony Bennett song.

Gabe didn't seem all that interested in the paintings themselves but more in the fact that Tony Bennett observed these scenes and found them beautiful enough to paint. “It's like that movie Being John Malkovich, but with Tony Bennett. I feel like I'm all up in Tony's head.”

Although initially Gabe had been excited to see the exhibit, after being completely unimpressed by Mr. Bennett’s work, he became increasingly frustrated. The painfully corny quotes that accompanied some of the paintings didn’t help.

"I found, that as a kid, I'd draw or paint something and suddenly it would be my own little creation" -Tony Bennett, on his own art.

On the way out Gabe noticed a video playing in the gallery. It was a DVD of Tony Bennett walking around a museum commenting on renaissance portraits. This only added kindling to Gabe's now burning disdain for Tony Bennett. “Who gave this man the authority to make a DVD? About anything, let alone fine art.” Gabe's trip started to take a turn for the worse so we decided to leave and seek out the good vibes.

We wanted to end the night in style and apparently there was a swanky hotel rooftop pool that invited the public to “swim under the stars”. We hoped the temperature of the water would amp up Gabe's trip in the same way being drunk in a hot tub is awesome.

Unfortunately the event was apparently “sold out” which was weird because when we peaked in to try and catch a glimpse of this raging party, it looked more like eight zit-backed teenagers playing Marco Polo.

Even though the rest of us were tired, cold and bummed and we couldn’t go swimming, Gabe’s LSD-fueled positive energy seemed limitless. He was on one of those happy trips where nothing could faze him and spent the rest of the night happily frolicking in the falling snow and weirding out families until we dragged him home.

Follow Kelsey on Twitter @kelseypudloski.

Additional tomfoolery on acid:

Canada's Wonderland…On Acid!

Ghost Hunting…On Acid!

Juno Awards…On Acid!