Rob Ford Got a Better Photographer

It’s always nice to see King Robbie answer the cries of a writer like me. If you remember, a couple of months ago I ran a story called “Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor, Has a Terrible Photographer”—because Rob Ford, at the time, had an absolutely fucking awful photographer. Rob’s Royal Facebook albums were filled with out of focus photographs, where he was sometimes not even fully in frame, and when he was captured with some degree of aesthetic competence he looked like a squinty, sweaty, about-to-tip-over liability to the public health system.

But now, in light of recent photo albums posted on King Robbie’s Official Facebook Page, it seems that he has taken a bit of his high school football budget and applied it to a new camera and, ostensibly, a better photographer. So let’s take a look, as loyal subjects, and enjoy a new and improved sampling of Rob Ford lifestyle photography.

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Here’s Robbie meeting with a morally questionable foreign dignitary from McDonaldLand. Unfortunately this reminds me of the time when Rob Ford accidentally shook hands with a neo-Nazi during a misled photo op. If you’re going to meet anyone from McDonaldLand—and that’s a debatable proposition to begin with—you shouldn’t be meeting with its petty burger thieves on camera. Robbie’s lucky he doesn’t wear a Rolex, because I bet that pickpocketing burger pilferer would unclasp that shit in a second, and slip it into some kind of pouch; never to be seen again.

As a King, on a diplomatic mission in McDonaldLand, your staff should do their best to get you an audience with Ronald himself. Or at least the Grimace. Hamburgler doesn’t even look impressed by his audience with Rob Ford the Gawd MC. Plus, the ravenous Toronto media have already begun to make Mayor McCheese references. Poor form, guys. That said, clearly the Rob Ford Photography Team has stepped their game up. Robbie is in focus, only partially sweaty, and at least appears to be in a good mood.

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Here’s a photo from Robbie’s “Community Clean-up Day” which he scheduled on 4/20 because he loves to blaze dank nugs and, as we already know, does not give any fucks about the consequences. If he was stoned for clean-up day, his facial expression in this photo is not doing much to present a sober artifice. He looks like he’s thinking: “Walking is very, very difficult for me at this time” as he trudges through the woods. Generally, one should not combine the chronic with vigorous activity, especially when it involves cleaning up the garbage of all the pathetic subjects over whom you rule. It’s just going to make you paranoid. “Wow man, we have like, a lot of garbage. Where’s it all gonna go? And why am I the one cleaning it?”

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Case in point. It really looks like Robbie needs a chill-out room right now—with lava lamps and bean bag chairs and Pink Floyd on vinyl—just so he can mentally absorb the sheer amount of waste the useless plebeians in his city chuck out of their broke-down cars, or drop on the ground carelessly like the useless resource suckers that they are. Also, I’m kinda unclear on why they are filling a canoe with garbage. Is the canoe garbage as well? Do they plan on sailing the garbage away to a nearby township, one canoe at a time? Call me Robbie, there are bigger boats out there.

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Here’s an example of how a good camera doesn’t necessarily guarantee good photographs, and that’s a shame, because the Easter parade is no place for sloppy photographers. The Rob Ford Photography Team has certainly upgraded their equipment since I last checked in with them, but this image veers dangerously close to “taking candy from a baby” territory. Is Robbie giving candy away or is he asking, impatiently, for one of these children to hand him a sweet chocolate bunny? I’d like to say it’s the former explanation, but I really have no idea. Maybe his team should get Vine to clear up incomplete storytelling like this.

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Now we’re talkin! Party Robbie in full force—and not in the dark, scandalous way. It’s the middle of the day, so he’s likely to be vaguely sober, and he’s showing off his skills on the ol’ trumpet. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this photo. It is truly perfect. The tears of joy are impeding my ability to type any further, so I will conclude this by quoting one of the comments posted on this glorious photograph: “YOUR THE BEST MAYOR TORONTO HAS EVER SEEN …YOU PUT SMILES ON PEOPLES FACES …YOU WHY ROB….BECAUSE YOUR REAL”

Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire

More on the King:

King Rob Ford Loves Women and Gambling

Rob Ford Has a Terrible Photographer