Pen Pals - Our Visitation Room Is A Real Freakshow

Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of a guy serving time in a medium-security prison in upstate New York for drug possession. We don’t want to get more specific than that, because apparently the prison doesn’t look kindly on its inmates publishing anything negative about incarceration. Bert has acquired “this odd habit of writing 100s of pages about being in prison” and sent us some of those pages. This is the first of hopefully many excerpts from his letters.

Food in jail is terrible. I would rather starve. At times I have. Luckily, I’m allowed 35 pounds of food from the street every month. That is a lifesaver. Other than that, I eat out of cans. If I went to the mess hall, I would eat out of quick-chilled garbage bags filled with slop. Poison. So, for example, last night I put cans of coconut milk, tomatoes, octopus, salmon, potatoes, and beans in a bowl with some onions, peppers, garlic, and ginger. I threw that shit in the microwave ‘til it boiled, then added the instant rice. That is the best a cracker like me can eat. Sixty guys in a dorm have to share two microwaves, so I usually have to wait a couple hours to “cook.” We have nothing to cut with so we use can tops or plastic knives.

Speaking of waiting for two hours, we usually have to wait that long to use the phone. That sucks. In fact, the phone sucks, too. It’s affectionately called “The Stress Box.” We yell and scream and slam shit around in there. Our girls are out there sucking dicks and getting buttfucked by like seven guys at once – or at least that’s how it seems. When they don’t pick up the collect call, we really flip out.

When our girls come to visit us they all have to crowd into the visit room. Jesus Christ! I’ve seen real life yetis, bigfeet, hippos, wildebeests, and midgets in there. I’ve seen a beautiful girl with a skin disorder that looked like she was tattooed black, but she had pink lips. A real freakshow. Mostly a fat freakshow. My poor girl busses up from the city – Times Square – with 60 chicks crammed in a bus. Shitty kids, fat stomachs, fried chicken, weed and Henny – ghetto to the bone. She is amazing. It’s an eight hour trip. She gets to hear the stories of how dumb and despicable some of them are. Then the actual visit, yikes! Half these chicks are smuggling drugs in their snatches, there are cum shots, dicks and tits everywhere. I’ve seen dudes choke chicks out and chicks slap the shit out of dudes. There’s always cursing and crying, and TONS of chicken wings. They eat like 25 Buffalo wings apiece.

Me? I’m too white and Puritan to pull my dick out, so it’s heavy petting, frottage, and lots of French kissing. Sometimes I get to dip a finger into snatch central for a minute before she ruins her drawers. I get sticky drawers from kissing. The visits are about six hours long, and then she busses back to NYC. Which means eight hours of stories about blowjobs and shit. While she's on the bus, I get stripped naked and have my cock, balls and ass area thoroughly inspected by a fat redneck CO.

But then everyone gets all the drugs out of their asses. The skilled guys stick the balloon of drugs in their pre-greased anuses. That’s a difficult manoeuvre. There are cops and cameras in there – even in the bathroom. The really skilled guys swallow the balloons (barely) at the end and then puke ‘em out when they get back to the dorm. The douche bags swallow the balloons and shit ‘em out a couple of days later. Imagine the stench. All the trouble and risks involved in jail drug smuggling make for some outlandish prices. But could you imagine not getting high, lit, buzzed for years on end? People pay.

Other than the post-visit searches, I haven’t been naked for 20 months. Contrary to popular belief, we all shower with underwear on. That makes me happy – I’m not a fan of cocks! No rapes have occurred in this jail. However, there are probably at least 50 rapists in this jail, and a bunch of murderers, too. Most violent guys go to a max-security at first, but after a few years and no problems they get moved to a medium-security spot like this.

The bathrooms are fucking disgusting. A couple of months ago someone left a turd ball in the middle of the floor. One day my buddy came out of the bathroom stall with some sperm on his sweatshirt. Who knows where it came from? The bathroom is called the “Spunkatorium.” There are four stalls and they are always full. One is the dirty jerkoff porno-booth stall, and one is the smoke stuff stall. The others might actually be for shitting. I shit a lot, and sometimes I go in a stall where some scumdick just sprayed his spuzz all over.

The only people who still read porno mags anymore are guys in jail. There are at least five to ten guys in here right now addicted to porno and masturbation. They “read” pornos all day and jerk off four or five times a day. They walk around asking to look at mags all day everyday. These are the guys who will come back in a few years with rape charges.