Oh shit, waddup? It's 2017 now, and Damn Daniel, do we have some good news for you! Today, Coachella released the lineup for 2017, and it's a doozy. And so, we here at Noisey took 20 minutes—like we do every year—out of our day to review every single performer taking stage in the desert this spring. So hold onto your asscheeks, and let's review some fucking music.
::T.I. voice:: What Lunoe about that?
Indiana Jones movie tribute band.
Different from the autograph tent, we think.
Drain the swamp.
Banks & Steelz
Who knew the cause of the 2008 recession were a band now?
How are we gonna be an optimist about THIS?
This guy is from space, probably.
Never heard of them.
Do you even lift, bro?
This one goes out to all my bros at Alpha Delta Phi.
Can I get an amen?
She wore a big hat.
More like Bong Iver.
Is where you can buy yourself a nice pair of pants
Is this a Radiohead cover band?
Sound the *Very Hot French Man* klaxon
Sacramento and Dover are getting the band back together.
Car Seat Headrest
It's just that bellend Ethan now.
Where is Celeste tho?
This guy definitely wears suspenders. What a dork.
Can't get over his powerhouse performance in Training Day.
This guy fucks.
Hopefully by this point he's over Taylor Swift.
Hehe… dicks on.
:::extremely meme voice::: LION!!!!!!! Lmaoooo get it? LION! Lmaooooooooooo snapchat
aka Lil' Silhouette
Humanity's really fallen off since his first set in the garden of Eden.
Or something more sensible, like a Honda Civic.
Eli & Fur
Fur is murder.
Empire of the Sun
Musical interpretation of JLo's seminal psychological thriller The Cell.
Father John Misty
"Meet Honey Dijon, your next album's subject matter."
Microdosing is very now.
Wrong file, dipshits.
Guess Five Tet was busy that day.
Francis and the Lights
More like Bong Iver.
We refuse to make a joke.
Awesome Disney movie.
A Disney movie, we think.
Wise investment choice in this era of economic freefall.
Not Grace Jones.
Orgies are awesome!
Harry Potter is a grown-up now and you should be too.
Guided By Voices
You have to find your way to this set blindfolded.
What Hannah wants.
This set will just be a screening of Star Wars and it's going to be fucking sweet.
-ight is 20/20 is what you'll be saying when you regret missing this band!
"This is Father John Misty, he'll be using your name a lot on his next record."
Hot Since 82
Can only be a one-hour performance piece involving Bruce Willis standing still and staring at the audience.
This is the guy from 24.
Can't wait to hear "BTSTU" live.
Ferrari Boyz is a classic album by Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame.
Joe, what's up dude! You're going to Coachella this year, too?
Is swift, but fair.
This is 100 percent a mashup of the words "kale" and "paleo," and it is also 100 percent proof LA has gone too far this time.
Pretty good producer.
And Desiigner, I ask you to join hands as a symbol of the union that you are making here today. As well as your fondness for double vowels.
King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard
What you hallucinate when the acid hits.
King Sunny Adé
:::extremely Kool-Aid guy voice::: OH YEAH.
Kungs is… hungs ;)
Lol not Beyoncé
Lee Fields & the Expressions
Lil Uzi Vert
Real hip-hop lives.
I don't know about you guys but I've always thought the name of this band is a bit redundant.
Black Dice's even crazier side project.
Bela Lugosi's dead.
Juicing is so 2016.
Fact: A man who looks like Mac DeMarco doing a Mac DeMarco impression for an hour with Mac DeMarco as the soundtrack is, in fact, Mac DeMarco.
Isn't this the guy who wrote the song about the space cowboy?
Like the Drake song.
This guy definitely makes techno.
Sometimes in life all you need is drugs.
Probably plays a guitar.
Maya Jane Coles
More like Mary Jane Coles… toke up weed is legal in California baby!
We love Mitski.
Mouse Rat side project.
A little too green to already be playing Coachella, in my opinion.
Say Mura Masa Masa Mura 5x fast.
Or never, I ain't gonna live forever!
This is Navient tryna rebrand itself as a cool band to make me pay back my college loans.
Nora En Pure
Also the brand name for bottled distilled water from France.
…why I won't be listening to this?
Costs more than extra cheese.
Big Boi's sitting this one out.
Pretty Little Liars-themed French rap act.
A good place to go hang out when you get too hot and/or thirsty in the sun.
Porter Robinson & Madeon
Because Crosby, Stills & Nash were busy.
I watched half of Platoon on New Year's Day.
Preservation Hall Jazz Band
Lmao have fun at this you nerds.
Market crash imminent.
Great Warcraft reference.
Seems like the name of a person in a bar you shouldn't talk to.
Still can't pronounce.
Sigur Ros side project.
Star of a comic book movie.
Sad, but, like, in a good way.
This guy used to help run Noisey's Twitter account.
Long live A$AP.
Show Me the Body
:::Jerry Maguire voice:::
Is great to make out to.
OH MY GOD IT SPELLS OUT SUNBURN. Excellent foreshadowing.
I love Modern Family!
Ginger man makes emosh electronica.
Shout out to the Bible.
Isn't this the guy who wrote the song about the gangster of love?
Fire in the desert.
Hey have you guys seen this show on Netflix called Stranger Things? We hear it's pretty underground and is supposed to be pretty good. Anyway have a good day.
Swet Shop Boys
If Hans Zimmer doesn't bring out the literal dude from Star Wars what is even the point of this festival?
You guys ever notice that this band's name is a palindrome?
Tale Of Us
A 12-part Coachella Snapchat drama, but we won't spoil the ending.
Honestly, we'd recommend Wimbledon or the French Open if this is what you're paying to see.
An Instagram-famous family band of Mormon models.
Big up the year 2000!
The Belleville Three
Excellent animated movie with no dialogue!
The Head and the Heart
Just break up with her already.
The Lemon Twigs
Great for congested sinuses.
The Martinez Brothers
Surprisingly, they're sisters.
2011 called, am I right? LMAO
You guys see the guy who turned Hollywood into Hollyweed?
Toots and the Maytals
Moots and the Taytals
I can't wait for "Hotline Bling!"
:::extremely doing acid at Coachella voice::: Aren't we all, on this crazy spinning planet of ours?
EMOTION is one of the best albums of the last decade.
"So hurt man."
David Lynch is REALLY getting into this reboot huh.
Two Door Cinema Club
Wouldn't be a music festival without this band! A band that definitely has songs!
A character from Starcraft.
Problematic name if you ask me.
What So Not
More like What's So Not on our list of stuff to see (this joke courtesy of us in 2015).
Pretty good band. Zipper Club
Definitely overcharges with membership dues. Noisey is ready to have some fun in the sun! Follow us on Twitter.