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We Reviewed Every Band Playing Coachella 2017

This was exhausting.

Oh shit, waddup? It's 2017 now, and Damn Daniel, do we have some good news for you! Today, Coachella released the lineup for 2017, and it's a doozy. And so, we here at Noisey took 20 minutes—like we do every year—out of our day to review every single performer taking stage in the desert this spring. So hold onto your asscheeks, and let's review some fucking music.

Alison Swing
Great park.

Allah-Lahs
Magician-core.

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Anna Lunoe
::T.I. voice:: What Lunoe about that?

Arkells
Indiana Jones movie tribute band.

Autograf
Different from the autograph tent, we think.

BANKS
Drain the swamp.

Banks & Steelz
Who knew the cause of the 2008 recession were a band now?

Bastille
How are we gonna be an optimist about THIS?

Ben UFO
This guy is from space, probably.

Beyoncé
Never heard of them.

BICEP
Do you even lift, bro?

Big Gigantic
This one goes out to all my bros at Alpha Delta Phi.

Bishop Briggs
Can I get an amen?

Blossoms
She wore a big hat.

Bon Iver
More like Bong Iver.

Bonobo
Is where you can buy yourself a nice pair of pants

Breakbot
Is this a Radiohead cover band?

Brodinski
Sound the *Very Hot French Man* klaxon

BROODS
*smokes*

Capital Cities
Sacramento and Dover are getting the band back together.

Car Seat Headrest
Guitars!

Caveman
More guitars!

Chicano Batman
Comics!

Chris Cruse
More comics!

Classixx
Slapperzz

Crystal Castles
It's just that bellend Ethan now.

Daphni
Where is Celeste tho?

Declan McKenna
This guy definitely wears suspenders. What a dork.

Denzel Curry
Can't get over his powerhouse performance in Training Day.

Devendra Banhart
This guy fucks.

Dillon Francis
Hopefully by this point he's over Taylor Swift.

Dixon
Hehe… dicks on.

DJ Khaled
:::extremely meme voice::: LION!!!!!!! Lmaoooo get it? LION! Lmaooooooooooo snapchat

DJ Shadow
aka Lil' Silhouette

DJ Snake
Humanity's really fallen off since his first set in the garden of Eden.

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DREAMCAR
Or something more sensible, like a Honda Civic.

Eli & Fur
Fur is murder.

Empire of the Sun
Musical interpretation of JLo's seminal psychological thriller The Cell.

Ezra Furman
Marc_heads unite.

Father John Misty
"Meet Honey Dijon, your next album's subject matter."

Floating Points
Microdosing is very now.

Floorplan
Wrong file, dipshits.

Four Tet
Guess Five Tet was busy that day.

Francis and the Lights
More like Bong Iver.

Future
We refuse to make a joke.

Future Islands
Not Future.

Galantis
Awesome Disney movie.

Glass Animals
A Disney movie, we think.

Goldlink
Wise investment choice in this era of economic freefall.

Grace Mitchell
Not Grace Jones.

Grouplove
Orgies are awesome!

GRYFFIN
Harry Potter is a grown-up now and you should be too.

Gucci Mane
The GOAT.

Guided By Voices
You have to find your way to this set blindfolded.

Hannah Wants
What Hannah wants.

Hans Zimmer
This set will just be a screening of Star Wars and it's going to be fucking sweet.

Hinds
-ight is 20/20 is what you'll be saying when you regret missing this band!

Honey Dijon
"This is Father John Misty, he'll be using your name a lot on his next record."

Honne
Whomme?

Hot Since 82
Can only be a one-hour performance piece involving Bruce Willis standing still and staring at the audience.

Jack Garratt
This is the guy from 24.

Jagwar Ma
Kangaroos!

Jai Wolf
Can't wait to hear "BTSTU" live.

Jen Ferrer
Ferrari Boyz is a classic album by Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame.

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Joseph
Joe, what's up dude! You're going to Coachella this year, too?

Justice
Is swift, but fair.

Kaleo
This is 100 percent a mashup of the words "kale" and "paleo," and it is also 100 percent proof LA has gone too far this time.

Kaytranada
Incredible vocalist.

Kehlani
Pretty good producer.

Kendrick Lamar
Who?

Kiiara
And Desiigner, I ask you to join hands as a symbol of the union that you are making here today. As well as your fondness for double vowels.

King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard
What you hallucinate when the acid hits.

King Sunny Adé
:::extremely Kool-Aid guy voice::: OH YEAH.

Klangstof
Probably Swedish.

Kungs
Kungs is… hungs ;)

Lady Gaga
Lol not Beyoncé

Lee Fields & the Expressions
Icon.

Lil Uzi Vert
Real hip-hop lives.

Little Dragon
Big heart.

Local Natives
I don't know about you guys but I've always thought the name of this band is a bit redundant.

Loco Dice
Black Dice's even crazier side project.

Lorde
Bela Lugosi's dead.

Los Blenders
Juicing is so 2016.

Mac DeMarco
Fact: A man who looks like Mac DeMarco doing a Mac DeMarco impression for an hour with Mac DeMarco as the soundtrack is, in fact, Mac DeMarco.

Mac Miller
Isn't this the guy who wrote the song about the space cowboy?

Majid Jordan
Like the Drake song.

Marcel Dettmann
This guy definitely makes techno.

Marshmello
Sometimes in life all you need is drugs.

Martin Garrix
Probably plays a guitar.

Maya Jane Coles
More like Mary Jane Coles… toke up weed is legal in California baby!

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Mitski
We love Mitski.

Moderat
Mouse Rat side project.

Moss Kena
A little too green to already be playing Coachella, in my opinion.

Mura Masa
Say Mura Masa Masa Mura 5x fast.

NAO
Or never, I ain't gonna live forever!

Nav
This is Navient tryna rebrand itself as a cool band to make me pay back my college loans.

New Order
Would bang.

Nicolas Jaar
Would bang.

Nora En Pure
Also the brand name for bottled distilled water from France.

Oh Wonder
…why I won't be listening to this?

Patrick Topping
Costs more than extra cheese.

Phantogram
Big Boi's sitting this one out.

PNL
Pretty Little Liars-themed French rap act.

Pond
A good place to go hang out when you get too hot and/or thirsty in the sun.

Porter Robinson & Madeon
Because Crosby, Stills & Nash were busy.

Preoccupations
I watched half of Platoon on New Year's Day.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band
Lmao have fun at this you nerds.

Radiohead
Who?

Raury
Good hats.

Real Estate
Market crash imminent.

Red Axes
Great Warcraft reference.

Richie Hawtin
Seems like the name of a person in a bar you shouldn't talk to.

Róisín Murphy
Still can't pronounce.

Röykskopp
Sigur Ros side project.

Sam Gellaitry
Star of a comic book movie.

Sampha
Sad, but, like, in a good way.

Sasha
This guy used to help run Noisey's Twitter account.

ScHoolboy Q
Long live A$AP.

Show Me the Body
:::Jerry Maguire voice:::

Shura
Is great to make out to.

SNBRN
OH MY GOD IT SPELLS OUT SUNBURN. Excellent foreshadowing.

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SOFI TUKKER
I love Modern Family!

SOHN
Ginger man makes emosh electronica.

Solomun
Shout out to the Bible.

Steve Angello
Isn't this the guy who wrote the song about the gangster of love?

Stormzy
Fire in the desert.

SURVIVE
Hey have you guys seen this show on Netflix called Stranger Things? We hear it's pretty underground and is supposed to be pretty good. Anyway have a good day.

Swet Shop Boys
If Hans Zimmer doesn't bring out the literal dude from Star Wars what is even the point of this festival?

Tacocat
You guys ever notice that this band's name is a palindrome?

Tale Of Us
A 12-part Coachella Snapchat drama, but we won't spoil the ending.

Tennis
Honestly, we'd recommend Wimbledon or the French Open if this is what you're paying to see.

The Atomics
An Instagram-famous family band of Mormon models.

The Avalanches
Big up the year 2000!

The Belleville Three
Excellent animated movie with no dialogue!

The Head and the Heart
Just break up with her already.

The Interruptors
Very rude.

The Lemon Twigs
Great for congested sinuses.

The Martinez Brothers
Surprisingly, they're sisters.

the xx
2011 called, am I right? LMAO

Thundercat
You guys see the guy who turned Hollywood into Hollyweed?

Toots and the Maytals
Moots and the Taytals

Tory Lanez
I can't wait for "Hotline Bling!"

Tourist
:::extremely doing acid at Coachella voice::: Aren't we all, on this crazy spinning planet of ours?

Tove Lo
EMOTION is one of the best albums of the last decade.

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Travis Scott
"So hurt man."

Twin Peaks
David Lynch is REALLY getting into this reboot huh.

Two Door Cinema Club
Wouldn't be a music festival without this band! A band that definitely has songs!

Tycho
A character from Starcraft.

Warpaint
Problematic name if you ask me.

What So Not
More like What's So Not on our list of stuff to see (this joke courtesy of us in 2015).

Whitney
Pretty good band. Zipper Club
Definitely overcharges with membership dues. Noisey is ready to have some fun in the sun! Follow us on Twitter.