[Our handsome protagonist, we'll call him Sean Newell, wakes up in the morning, grabs his morning coffee and settles in to read Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback for Week 11. It's the usual blend of uselessly outdated information and banal musings from the unquestioned leader in saying stuff about football. But then…][The maddeningly-beautiful-it's-almost-unfair Sean Newell passes out at his desk from sheer rage. He does not make a sound as it happens. For a brief moment he wondered if he might start foaming at the mouth, but his entire body simply made one final lurch and seized in his chair once his eyes relayed the pixels forming the words "Tour de Watt" to his until then fully functioning brain.The sun climbs the azure sky.Birds form a "V" and cut across the yellow and blue.Darkness comes as the moon fails again to match the power of the sun.Darkness passes.The sun and moon continue to chase one another.Whiskers begin to grow on Sean's face. He wears a distinguished beard, despite his sleeping fury.An age passes.Technological and social advances make life on earth so much more pleasant for its inhabitants who have not been short-circuited by silent anger that is also somehow violent.People now live in luxury trees powered by their own trash. There is no oil and, finally, there is teleportation. Humans no longer kill each other. At all. They just randomly sing all the time now.The whiskers on Sean's face have formed a dense gray beard, almost resembling hemp. Impossibly, he is still very attractive, though utterly incapacitated by wrath.A bird chirps at a window.The chirping grows louder. It is incessant.And louder still.It cuts through the fog of Sean's once pristine mind.His eyelids tremble. Decades of atrophy make it nearly impossible to open them, but only nearly impossible.The world is blurred, but he can see. He hears people singing, he thinks.He looks up at his computer, still glowing and ambient.[He reads again.]MORE LIKE TOUR DE WHAT????????[Sean is greeted by St. Peter and ushered inside]
"He is so stupendous that you almost take it for granted, unfortunately," Houston owner Bob McNair said after another tour de Watt performance in Houston's 24-17 dismantling of the Jets. He sacked New York quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick twice, knocked him down three more times, had three more tackles for loss, and recorded a team-high eight tackles. McNair's right. Just another day in the life and great career of the unquestioned best defensive player in football.
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