Vignettes From The Front-Row Of The National Rugby League Finals Series

"Get upppppppp! Go play soccer ya girl!"

That was the advice given to Penrith center Dallin Watene-Zelezniak after he was sent to the floor by two seperate forearms to the face in the same tackle in opening stages of yesterday's sudden-death final against the Canterbury Bulldogs. Under immense pressure coming off his own line, Zelezniak cannonballed into a rushing Bulldogs defensive line comprised of polynesian man-mountain, Tony 'T-Rex' Williams. It was his forearm that appeared to crush Zelezniak's septum, felling him, and sending big snotty globs of blood out his nose. No penalty nor mercy from Dogs fans were forthcoming. Instead, Zelezniak was rushed into back-play where a trainer crudely dabbed at his smashed beak with a bloody rag. Then it was straight back into the fray where he would play an important role in the Men From The Foot Of The Mountains' win over the Bulldogs.

The Green Machine And The Viking Clap

The Penny Panthers will now confront a scorned Canberra Raiders team at home in Canberra for a spot in the preliminary semi-final. The Green Machine, coached by their controversial prodigal son, Ricky Stuart, went down in a thrilling shock-loss to the Cronulla Sharks in week one of the finals. It was a miraculous victory for the Sharks, who lost inspirational skipper Paul Gallen in the lead up to the game (back injury) and fellow NSW origin player, Wade Graham in the opening stages (concussion). Cronulla hooker, Michael 'grub' Ennis celebrated the tense win by cruelly imitating the Radiers 'Viking clap' in the face of heartbroken fans (lol). Raiders fans have adopted the Icelandic tradition this season and can create a sonic boom that's heard six minutes away from the stadium. Several players have confessed the noise kinda wigs them out a bit.

"It's pretty scary [the Viking clap], I'm sure it gets them going, but it pumps you up as well. It's something you don't really experience. It's weird, it gets you going," Cronulla fullback Ben Barba told Channel Nine's Sunday Footy Show.

Titans Lose To Brisbane Cementing Jarryd Hayne's Totally Underwhelming Return To Rugby League

What a mess. Nothing could have summed up Jarryd Hayne's mistake-riddled, lacklustre return to the NRL better than the cock-up he produced to start the second half of his team, the Gold Coast Titans', do-or-die derby with the Brisbane Broncos.

With the game poised 18-16 to the Titans, the Broncos kicked off after half-time sending the ball floating merrily down the field towards Hayne. It was as regulation a catch as you can get, something the former strike-fullback, punt returner and expert bomb (high kick) defuser would have once gobbled up with a blindfold. Instead he dropped it, cold. The Broncos scored in the next set through Alex Glenn, so beginning a 44-28 point rout that ended the Titans promising season. Hayne, who signed a two-year $1.2 million deal with the Titans just five games before the finals began, has shown few signs of the explosive ball-running, speed and agility that took him to the top of the game before his departure for the San Francisco 49ers NFL franchise. Rather he's struggled with our game's immense physicality and vastly superior cardiovascular demands. There has been moments of class, with the boot of all things (he was a noted ball runner before he left), though Hayne's been largely sub-par with the ball-playing, passing and attacking co-ordination asked of him. His high-profile presence in games and the media, meanwhile, has been obnoxious and cringeworthy in its lack of humility. The media-circus is over now and there's little room for big mouths and big egos in the lowly-paid ranks of the working-man's game.

The Puerile Humour Of Certain Rugby League Drongos

I can't be too hard on my brethren from the nation's working and underclasses. We're all in the same boat. But fuck-me-sideways the banter was shit-house at the Dogs vs Panthers game. One noob sitting behind me stood up as Penrith center Tyrone Peachey lined up a kick from the touchline a few meters away and proceeded to unfurl a long monologue of infuriatingly repetitive, unimaginative jibes at the referee, beginning with: "Take the kick, Maxwell! Take the kiiiiiiiiick." That didn't even make sense. Maxwell was the referee. A few guffaws from the drones around us encouraged another kook to join: "Maxwell Smart! Yeahhhhh, Maxwell Smart!" he yelled, in an opaque reference to Mel Brook's satirical secret-agent character from the 1965 series, Get Smart.

Jokes aside, rugby league fans should realise that ref-revving, while a time-honoured part of the code, should be conducted sparingly. What begins here at the Sydney Football Stadium under the glare of CCTV cameras, security and police, ends on a dimly lit suburban ground in western Sydney with the Fifita twins threatening to rip the limbs off some kid with a whistle.

Melbourne Storm Might Be Unbeatable

The North Queensland Cowboys shook off a destabilising pre-game "egging spree" by star forward Jason Taumalolo to push the Melbourne Storm to the brink at AAMI park in Melbourne. They weren't good enough in the end, however, going down by six to a team led by the trio of Cameron Smith, Cooper Cronk and coach Craig Bellamy. These three men have created the most successful rugby league dynasty in the modern-era and look near-unbeatable as they head straight to the preliminary final with a win over the Cowboys. Jonathan Thurston's men, meanwhile, have created a dynasty of their own, somehow managing to keep their entire lineup in tact from 2015's groundbreaking premiership win. Their loss to Melbourne sees them head home to troppo Townsville where they will take on Brisbane this weekend in a replay of last year's grand final. It will be a full-house at Dairy Farmers to watch Cowboys GOAT Jonathan Thurston try and replicate last year's last minute heroics (see below).

The Working-Class, Multi-Cultural Utopia That Is Rugby League

As the sun sets over the Redfern housing commission towers I weave through the leafy backstreets of Sydney's inner-city on my pushbike. Week one of the Finals Series is a wrap. Penrith have beaten the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs, and the two teams largely ethnic, working class fan bases are also making their way home.

"You can tell he's not religious. What's your religion? I wanna try it," says a Muslim man to his Asian friend, kicking off a chain of hysterical laughter. The Muslim man had been telling the Asian man of the holy Islamic holiday Eid al-Adha.The Asian man responded by telling his Muslim friend of the big weekend he was planning in Melbourne. "Fly down on Wednesday, get fucked up for two days, sleep in on the Sunday, get the plane home that afternoon, back at work on Monday like nothing ever happened!" he'd said.

I continue on through the backstreets where I confront clouds of sumptuous aromas from the nearby Turkish restaurants. Further up the road it turns to Thai and Vietnamese. Followed by a nasty uppercut of human shit near the Police-horse stables . All in all, an accurate cross-section of humanity in this country.