The VICE Guide to Tinder for Women, by a Young Man

If there was ever a good argument for how millennials have a fucked-up perception of sex, love, and dating—Tinder is it. Don't judge a book by its cover? Good joke. The world's most popular dating platform takes that quote and throws it into a burning trash compactor.

Regardless, if you're a millennial, you likely have Tinder on your phone. While I have had some great interactions on there, I'm also a dude. Women—by and large—have it the roughest in the dating world. Stalkers, racists, rapey vibes, and degrading comments are just a few off the long list of things ladies face online. With a 9/10 chance that the person on the other side of the phone is a sketchy bro who they would never meet in person, most of my female friends tell me that the app ends up being a disappointment for them.

But that doesn't mean it should be that way, or that it has to be. Because I am clearly an expert in being a man, I've put together a guide on how women can make the most of their Tinder experience.

Meet Somewhere Safe. There is a saying that goes, "A gentleman is just a patient wolf."  If a dude tells you to come to his house to link up for the first date, you can be 101 percent sure that his goal is to smash. While this is the end goal of many people of any gender on Tinder, that doesn't mean our methods are the same.

I could fill an article with the amount of gross, disgusting shit I have heard men say about women behind closed doors. Alternatively, I don't think I could even count women saying the same things about men on one hand. There's, like, 3 billion of us on Earth: Avoid tool bags who want you to come to their strange man-den to break the ice.

Try to Avoid Ghosting on People You're Actually Interested in, but Don't Be Afraid to Ghost.

We all check Tinder infrequently, so it's understandable when messages go unanswered for a bit. Still, it's probably wise to determine early on if the person you're messaging is someone you want to actually chat with or somebody you should probably unmatch.

If someone gives you a sleazy vibe or makes you uncomfortable, just unmatch or block them (then block them on all forms of social media if you deem it necessary). Don't waste time clogging your feed up with endless messages from mans who are giving you stranger vibes.

Stop Putting Preferred Height, Income, Type of Date, Temperature in Room, etc.

Arguably, the most annoying thing about Tinder (an app that encourages being a petty, superficial fuckbag by validating the first photo in front of our eyeballs) is the amount of both guys and girls who have a laundry list of stipulations in their bio regarding who they will and will not entertain.

If it's not obvious why this is a red flag, I'll simplify: Regardless of sex, most decent human beings using this app will never read your bio before swiping right on you (because the point of the application is to spend as little time as possible matching with people). If you truly believe that "men below 6'1" can swipe left," or that you're only looking for friends and will block anybody who tries to flirt, then maybe you should join a dating site that encourages discrimination based on compatibility.

Same thing goes for dudes who say they "like Asian girls." Seriously, fuck yourself to the moon.

Beware: Unreasonably Attractive People

If you aren't a catfish, beware that some men may think you are. The concept that women are the only ones proficient at online lurking is actually a patriarchal lie—as men, we're just as suspicious and adept at figuring out the life story of people we haven't yet met by spying on their Twitter feed and tags on Instagram. Don't believe the lie that women are "crazy" when it comes to this stuff.

Read More: The VICE Guide to Tinder for Men, by a Woman

Also, not to bust the balls of dudes everywhere reading this, but let's be real: Most supermodels are not on Tinder, and if they are, it's 90 percent likely that they didn't match with you. In either case, if you end up matching with somebody you know is way out of your league, it's a good policy to screenshot their photo and run it through Google reverse image search. Chances are, the photo is ripped from an Instagram model's feed or ends up linking back to the social media page of a person in Arkansas—a long shot from the five-kilometre radar you have blasting from your East Toronto condo.

(PS. If you happen to actually be super attractive—lol. You now know you've probably been reverse image searched.)

Group Photos

If you have a group photo as your lead image, what kind of person do you think you're attracting? If you believe it's somebody who thinks, "Wow, this person is sociable, friendly, and seems to be enjoying themselves with the company of others," you're very wrong and should find more reasons to distrust men.

Unless everyone in that group photo is equally as hot as each other, nine times out of ten, dudes will swipe left. Again, let me just be frank: men are shallow pieces of trash and don't have the mental patience to bother looking deeper on your profile. Get the honest answer from the get-go and skip bullshit messages asking whether you're the "hot friend" or not.

The Type of Drugs You Do Clearly Displayed in Your Bio

Look, I've never dated or been with a girl who consumed a strict diet of matcha tea and had never smoked a cigarette in her life. In fact, I usually date people equally as fucked up as I am.

With that said, most of us want to be a little surprised, or at least have to do a bit of detective work to figure out whether you're down with the sus life or not. Just like you wouldn't go for a photo of a dude ripping a popper from a bong or a manchild in a fedora staring intently at the camera while smoking a cigar, it is not exciting to hear your blood is "90 percent liquor, 10 percent sugar."

Really, just save the surprise for the date. Unless doing drugs are an ultimatum for dating you. Then maybe tell us via DM.

Mentioning a Love for Netflix, Dogs, and Weed

This is the Holy Trinity of basic Tinder descriptions. You enjoy the idea of being a living, breathing Pinterest post. The thing is—these are markers of a boring existence, and I'm saying this as someone who has been a billboard for depression and isolation in the past. You're basically saying, "Let's stay home, get high, fuck, and watch movies. I have little else to offer you."

Don't Attract Shitty People with Deceiving Photos

Think about the guy who was good-looking on his profile but shows up to the date without a beard and looks like Martin Shkreli. Now try and flip the sexist equivalent on women. Guys will likely match you regardless, but that doesn't mean they'll be good matches. Trust me and take this as a textbook note in honesty and healthy relationships—you deserve better than a fuck-bag who will insult you when you arrive with less makeup than in your display picture.

"UNIVERSITY YEAR/SORORITY ACRONYM"

If graduating in 2018 with 15,000 other students is the highlight of your life, I am sad. Truly. I may be a bit biased here, but going to school for a business or arts degree is like the vanilla ice cream flavour of boring. Also, you would probably hate or be insulted by the fact that I think universities are a Ponzi scheme, so I'll just stop while I'm at it.

If you have your sorority listed—you are flashing the turncoat of female bros. Being involved in "Greek Life" is like the diet version of saying "Make America Great Again." I sense bad political opinions and scuzzy male friends.

"Hey"

Please, please send us a corny pickup line or show some sort of engagement past a simple greeting. Men love attention as much as women—we want you to make the first move sometimes, and it's really hard when your idea of taking the lead is "Hi." You're giving us a smorgasbord of mixed signals, and we'll probably respond with something stupid.

"I love babies (no I don't have one but I wish I did)"

No. Just don't.

Looking for Something Serious

It might work for some people, but wow, you're probably on the wrong app if that's your main goal.

Follow Jake Kivanc on Twitter.