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Paramore Probably Have a New Album Coming Out So I Dreamed About What it Will Be Like

Another win for logic and science.
Lauren O'Neill
London, GB

A little while back, Paramore were rejoined full time by their founding drummer Zac Farro and confirmed that they'd be touring this year. At the time, fans wondered: did a tour mean a new album? The answer, dear former-but-really-current emos, is "apparently so." <3.

The band just registered a bunch of new tracks – enough, some might speculate, to fill an entire record *extremely detective emoji face*:


Very interesting. This list, as you can see, is alphabetical, and so is probably not representative of the album's actual tracklisting. To that end, I have helpfully reordered them and very accurately and professionally predicted each song's content to form what will almost certainly, definitely be the proper order:

Track 1: "Caught in the Middle"
The big single. The "Misery Business." This album, which I predict will be titled "Forgiveness," after the final track (see below), from a newly re-invigorated Paramore, energised by 2017's <3 emo revival <3, and will deal with the rift between the Farro brothers and the rest of the band. This is the throwback "That's What You Get"–style opener that is going to murder us all in a few months' time. Wishful thinking? Potentially.

Track 2: "Grudges"
This album's "Ignorance." The second single. Hecka riffs.

Track 3: "Tell Me How"
The first hurdle. This is when things slow down and get a bit boring, which is fine, because we all need a breather sometimes.

Track 4: "Fake Happy"
Absolutely fucking nailed on Hayley Williams acoustic solo cut à la "The Only Exception."

Track 5 and 6: "Idle Worship" and "Idle Worship Outro"
Idle Worship is probably about seven minutes long and it is Paramore having a go at being the Foo Fighters. It is about the Pressures of being a Rock Star.

Track 7: "Hard Times"
Unfortunate middle of the album filler track that isn't enough of a 2007 throwback to be anywhere near good. NEXT!


Tracks 8 and 9: "What It Costs" and "Told You So"
For some reason I am absolutely convinced that this these are going to be late album lead-in bangers that sound exactly like "Pressure" and "crushcrushcrush" respectively. Probably, I am psychic.

Track 10: "Rose Colored Boy"
With a title like this it is absolutely another tonal shift back to the Hayley acoustic show.

Track 11: "Pool"
A nod to latter-albums Paramore. This will be their "grown up" moment. It probably "builds."

Track 12: "Forgiveness"
Ah yes, the resolution: the band comes out the other side of its conflict for this final track, which is also like seven minutes long. The hook is something like "I finally got your / forgiiiiiive-neeeeeess" and it will be kind of in the vein of MCR's "Helena" and it will feel like, yeah, a Moment, in this, the 2017 emo revival. Please be aware that this is just my professional opinion and not at all the projection of my hopes and dreams.

Another win, you'll find, for logic and science.

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(Image via Paramore on Instagram)