You may recognise Bertie from her other column, Pretty Girl Bullshit. Do not be alarmed – PGB still exists! You don't cancel magic. But now she's going to be writing a slightly more fashion-centric column for us called Beauty School Dropout. This – in case you can't read, and if you can't then how the hell did you get to this website, sterling effort, really – is that.
Everyone was bitching out Kanye last week for tweeting that he wrote some song about Kim Kardashian and called it "Perfect Bitch". To be honest, this is not the most controversial thing to emerge surrounding KANYIM; there’s the whole him being totally insane thing of course, as well as a bunch of other stuff that you're all far too familiar with for me to bother repeating here. But it got me thinking – If KK is the perfect bitch, shouldn’t we all be looking to her for advice about how to be more flawless in our own lives?
With this in mind, I studied the Kardashian-inspired “gorgeous beauty ideas” Glamour Magazine dreamt up. I was hoping to inject a little bit of perfect, and a truckload of bitch, somewhere in the vicinity of my face.
STEP 1: SMUDGY PURPLE LIDS
While I don’t agree that this makes your eyes “pop”, I do think it gives just the right element of junkie to pretty much any look. I’m actually a big fan of a smudgy, glossy dark purple lid, it’s softer than black and looks less "smokey" (vom). I used a lipstick to achieve this look, which is probably not what a makeup artist would use, but in my experience makeup artists are nearly always really, really awful.
Product: Mac lipstick in Cyber.
STEP 2: DEWY SKIN
Apparently this is for “bohemian”,“carefree” people, which I read as "people who smoke weed". None of which matters, really, because there is absolutely no way anyone would have naturally dewy skin unless they, a) live in a toadstool, or b) are on a brutal comedown. Though I guess they could just be: c) the PERFECT BITCH. Like I said, I kind of like the junkie look, but even this was a bit far for me. I don’t know where you can purchase "dew" so I plumped for wet look gel from Costcutter. Did the job? (No, of course it didn't do the fucking job.)
STEP 3: DRAMATIC EYES AND NUDE LIPS
I was rightly wary about this one. Ever since people (OK, me) started blotting their lips out with foundation, the line between sexy and terrifying has been crossed too many times to count. Sorry Kim, it might work for Kanye, but it’s not working for me.
Products: Chanel Illusion D’Ombre in Mirifique, Mac concealer.
STEP 4: ALLOVER GLOW
Well, obviously this doesn't work at all. I don’t understand bronzer or fake tan, and even though it smells delicious, I would only slather it on my legs in a moment of inane boredom. When I dusted bronzer over my dewy skin, it stuck to certain areas making me look like I had really bad scars on my face. I know that’s like, probably really hood, but Kanye’s out of the hood and all over Paris Fashion Week S/S13. I rubbed some foundation on to even things out. It was generally really disastrous. A high point is that it’s really fun to smear stuff all over your skin.
Product: Mac Bronzer in really-fucking-dark, Rimmel foundation in ditto.
STEPS 5 + 6: CRIMSON LIPS AND BOLD BROWS
By this point I had so much makeup on my face that any additional products were fated to be disastrous no matter what their merit. While red lips are often a sure-fire way to sexify your look, when paired with liquorice slug eyebrows they fail to elevate my face to Perfect Bitch standards. However, it did make me look more alive and less like a sex worker. OK, maybe that second part’s not really true, but definitely more alive! Look, I tried, OK?
Product: Illamasqua lipstick in Howl, Eyebrow Pencil from Poundland.
So, here is the finished look! Pretty gorgeous, right?
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes